The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't written in a week. I sit and I read the posts and the responses that are put out and feel the most amazing range of emotion from minute to minute and it seems that I never really know what to say.
I thought I was done being angry, yet it keeps creeping back in and lingering until I can't take it anymore. Finally, the anger screams out and I am pissed off again - at myself, at my a, at the disease, at life. I feel like screaming at the world.
I know that one of the biggest problems that I have is that I have not told anyone in my family about the severity of the addiction that my a really has. I know that some have seen it, others have not. I don't want to tell people - partly because I don't really want to talk about it, partly because I feel ashamed of it, mostly because I am simply a private person and don't feel that this is anyone else's business. I know in my heart that it is a bad decision to keep this from my family. How will I be ready to discuss it with them?
Pray about it...I know it sounds trite, but you will know what to say when you know what to say, and not before. It's not so much that you need to talk about it as you need to be honest about it...there is a difference. I don't talk about my A to other people, but I'm not dishonest about it when it comes up. I'm learning how to let them have their own hurts and embarrassments and not let them be my own, which is hard when others seem to think they should be. But, little by little I am figuring it out...and you will too. It talkes time. I want it to happen overnight sometimes, too, and it just doesn't. But remember what the "Just for today" card says about being able to do for 12 hours what you couldn't imagine doing for a lifetime. I've broken down many a 12 hours into even shorter segments and I'm still here kicking...lol. Hang in there - you're doing better than you think - Hope
Sally - I thought I was reading something I wrote. I can totally relate to the range of emotions and I have not told my family of my A either. The same as the reasons you stated - yes I am ashamed, I am embarrased, I will feel like I am a disappointment to my family. Wheather they have figured it out or not I don't know - we are just not a talkative family - and I am just not a talkative person. I have decided though that if anyone asks me - I will simply say - well he's an alcoholic and can only help himself when he wants to. Kind of the 3 C's type thing.
that the choice of who to discuss it with, how much, etc., is one of personal choice.... hopefully you will decide to open up and discuss it when it will be helpful to you, and your recovery - when YOU need someone to talk to about it..... hopefully you will discuss it with "safe people" who will not judge you, nor will they insist on knowing all the answers.... hopefully you will discuss some of your story here, and at f2f Al-Anon, where it truly IS safe, and will start seeing some value in sharing your story with others close to you..... hopefully you will share YOUR feelings, your fears, etc., without going to overboard on the blame of the A....
I believe that being open with our circumstances is a sign of our individual recovery... As we grow, and learn to accept ourselves, and our situations, for what they are - we also grow to where we want to reach out, both within our programs and beyond.... Our family members should not be confused with our formal recovery group (Al-Anon, sponsors, etc), but they can still make up a significant portion of our overall recovery....
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I have recently added to my daily readings "One day at a time in Al-Anon" the most recent reading was on resentment. Holding on to anger, (which I have had a hard time with in the past) makes us better and resentful. Ask your HP to help, it's amazing how much weight is lifted off my shoulders when I don't hold on to all the bad feelings.
Hi Sally we put a protective shield around us and gradually isolate ourselves from people. There is only my brother and my Mum in my immediate family. I have told my Mum as I consider her to be my best friend. We are 1300kms apart and I live in a very small town. The embarrassment and inward anger is huge even though on the outside we project ourselves differently. Listen to Tom's advice he has helped me immensely. Because I live in a small town everyone knows about my husbands drinking habits. I was faced with the issue not long ago of a colleague asking me about my husband losing his licence. It felt awkward replying to her and I simply answered yes he has. My gut instinct said that I don't want to trust her with any more information. I posted on this board and everyone was so amazing. They pointed out to me that I don't have to tell anyone anything that I don't want to. We are always here for you. This forum is a lifeline when you are feeling down. Take care Luv Leo xx
