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well it's Tuesday night, this is usually one of my good night, cause my husband usually doesn't get drunk on mondays or tuesdays. but lo and behold here we go again. again he called to say it was someone else's fault, they dragged him to the bar.. thing is we have NO money, like nothing. i gavehim our last bit of cash this morning in case there was an emergency. me being so stupid i thought an emergency meant if his ride couldn't drive him home or something like that. i mean i gave him our last 100 bill, just in case he couldn't get home, he could take the go train or something. so of course what happens, he spends it at the bar. i don't know what;s wrong with me, i just always have such good thoughts. i thought for sure he wouldn't use it unless he needed it to get home. so now i am stranded for work tomorrow, i have to walk there and back. i mean there never seems to be money for anything, except when it comes to booze there's always money. so he comes home drunk, tells me he's spent the money and i get mad. like god forbid i get mad over this. now he blames me, tells me it's my fault, i should take better care of the money. i spent the last 5 dollars i had on getting something for our dinner, which of course wasn't cooked cause he never came home. now i am being blamed for making him feel like a loser. that's what he said, that i make him feel like a loser. well i'm sorry, i do everything for him, i really worship the ground this man walks on, honest to god, so i don't know how that makes him feel like crap. i know it's excuses but it still hurts me. at first he came home all nice, saying he doesn't want to be like his father who is an a and doesn't want to be like my father who is an a, but then it blows up into an argument and i get the blame. oh god help me, that's all i have to say, god help me. i know this is going to get worse, but why don't i have the courage to leave. i just see so much potential in this man, i know he is a good person, i know he can be as great as he's destined to be, as long as he gives up the drink.
first of all i know how you feel. i was told to lower my expectations of my a instead of always expecting him to do the right thing. keep in mind the three c's ... you didnt cause it you cant control it and you cant cure it. none of it is your fault. it seems your a is in denial about his drinking. trying to find excuses to make it ok that he drinks or its ok he speant your last money. ive been in that position too many times. now that you've seen what he can do you have learned from it. protect yourself next time. put some of your own money away. as for worshiping the ground he walks on why not worship yourself and the ground you walk on. love yourself. you will learn how to do all of this through this program. there are many of us here who are still with active a's and things work out because of this program. it is only up to you if you want to leave. dont threaten it unless your prepared to really leave. also many of the problems still exist even if they are now sober. they still have things to deal with and cope with as you do. so keep coming back. join us in the chatroom. go to a face to face meeting or come to one online. hope to see you there
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
hi Scottishgirl welcome. Can I give unsolicited advice? He's going to do this until he decides to stop. You said this money thing goes on all the time. Can you start getting smaller denominations? Get tens or twenties. Forget the hundreds. That way you can cover his train fare without completely going broke. Plan what you can to protect yourself while he's still outside recovery.
In the beginning I had to learn that he was an adult, he could take care of himself. Weather I gave him money or not, he was always able to find a way to drink.
If he wanted to get home, I am sure he would find a way. I didn't need to be responsible for his welfare, cause he wasn't responsible for mine.
I also had to learn very quickly that my contentment could NOT rely on his actions.
i would take walking to work as a gift from God. Walking to work causes you to slow down and look at what is around you. You can only walk so fast, right?
Take a look at Step One, if you are new to the program, it goes like this
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable."
Go over to the step board on this site, and take a look. Starting work using the steps as a guideline (and later a lifeline) is the best way to reach serenity in your chaotic world. I know. I live with an active alcoholic, raise children with him, and even sometimes relish the fact that he is not coming home...
How I feel for you. I've been in the situation you described so many times I lost count, now I don't even dare give my A my bank card because I have no idea if he will clean everything out, if I'm lucky enough to have something in there. It is so unfortunate that the A's in our lives ( at lease I'm talking for myself here, there might be exceptions! ) can't be trusted with the almighty dollar/pound/euro! Yes, they always, always, manage to come up with $$ to buy booze, my hubs usually manages to put a huge amount of booze on tabs, and at the end of the month sometime there's almost nothing left of his pay. My A always manages to ask me, always! where the **** did your money go? Meaning the part-time work money I make, which isn't always very much at all, although of course he also gives me money from his pay, what's left of it. Well! I seem to buy food with it, bills, ( always paid late ) stuff needed for the kids. But as with many A's, he doesn't seem to realize that even a cheap pair of kid shoes cost something! I'm feeling really ticked right now, so I'm in a bit of a rant, but I'm thinking right now of a new pair of shoes for one of my sons, they are desperately needed. Anyway, don't blame yourself for a dang thing! And as mentioned, get some of the money in smaller denominations, I've been doing that for a long time.
Take good care, and my thoughts and prayers are with you......
My husband says those same things to me. He moved out and its my fault. It is the disease talking. Please don't take that in. You are not the problem, the disease is. You really can't wait around for the potential to happen. You have to deal with him as he is today. One day at a time.
Easy does it....be gentle with yourself. We get enough abuse from our A's, I remember saying some of the same stuff you listed in your posting to my self...."I'm so stupid" "what's wrong with me?" You are not stupid, and the only thing wrong with you is that you are learning how to take care of your right now. You are a work in progress, you are not perfect, none of us are. I have learned by working my program that there are times when I have had to set boundaries, saying no to my A, (which is hard because they work hard at getting their way), sometimes I have had to say nothing at all but just walk away. You are in the right place, read, get to f 2 f meetings, read the board here, and post often. Hang in there. It seems you recognize what needs to change, learn the Serenity Prayer, it helps when things are rough.
Aron