The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank you all for your support and empathy while I'm going through this. I really was at a point where I didn't care if I lived or not, but not at the point of considering taking my own life. I know these feelings will pass.
One thing I heard about us alcoholics; our emotional development stops about the time we start drinking. That puts me at about 17 on the maturity scale (drinking at 15 plus 2 years sober.) Kinda sad for a guy in his 40's, but it is what it is and I gotta face reality. If that means I'm going through all the emotional growing pains I should have experienced then, I guess it's something I just have to do. I'm still learning how to deal with pain, and maybe my reactions are a little severe. I can't drink to bury this stuff anymore, I can't go around it, I gotta go through it to get to the better stuff on the other side. But I sure feel better after venting and crying over it.
I was all prepared to leave home today. I left for a 7:00 am meeting this morning with a bag packed. Spoke to my sponsor and some other friends to double check my decision. Spoke to my father about staying at my parents house tonight, they said OK. My ex calls me this afternoon and asks if we can talk tonight, she sounds a little different than usual. I figure why not. So instead of going to my parents after work, I go grocery shopping, go home and cook dinner. Eat with my ex and son and talk to her after dinner. She said she really has no right to ask me, but would I stay in the house for the next few weeks, her grandma is going to die soon, she is semi-comatose and hasn't eaten in 2 weeks. She doesn't want to be alone right now. I said I have a boundary. If I am to be there for her, I will not do it if Tom is in the picture. She said she will stop dating. I said OK but my boundary is she is not to see him or even talk to him on the phone. She said I had no right making any demands like that. I said it's not a demand or ultamatum. It is my boundary. If she wants me to be there for her this is what I will tolerate. I said it's no different than if she told me a few years ago that if I chose to drink she would leave me. That was her boundary. She told me I was making too much of what was going on with him. I said I really don't know what's going on with him; I only know how painful it is to me to see her with him or even talk to him at this point. She told me I had a decision to make and I told her my decision would be based on the choice she has to make; If she wants anything to do with me, any kind of friendship, he has to be completely out of the picture. Nothing was really settled, we agreed to end the conversation before things got ugly. I don't think she gets it, how much her relationship with him has hurt me and pushed me away. But I did my best to get my point across. I was ready to leave anyway so what have I got to loose. I'm staying home tonight, no point forcing the issue right now.
I'm glad to see you on the board again. I have heard that your emotional development stops when you start drinking also. I'm going though the same thing with my husband now. He has to learn to deal with the problems and not drink. ( he is close to a year sober). I think the boundary you set was a good one. You have to stick to them for it to work. That is the hard part. Keep up your good work. I glad to see you sticking to your program it gives me hope my A will make it to.
I was thinking how you are an open wound now with all this stress. For me to see her or stay at the house for her is like scraping that wound.
Of course you don't want to hear about or know she is still having a relationship with that guy. Again it is more stirring around your wound.
I was so glad when I read you were not going back there. Of course it is none of , my business. Was happy to see you take care of you.
I am sorry she has a family member dieing, but to me it changes nothing.
ok yea kick me in the heart and ask for favors....
You guys were just talking about trying again,now she does not want to stick to your boundaries for you to help her. How much stirring in your wound can you stand?
I am thinking DR. Phil where are you????? (c:
I know for me, I refuse to allow anyone to tear me apart and then use me.
Empowering ourselves is a good way of taking care of ourselves. Even if you have to pretend. for me again, I would say, if she asked me, "oh riiiiiiight!" you just bought food and cooked and the person wants more and more and more.
i am feeling sorta off so i hope I am not getting into your inventory. I want to ask you, how come you don't like yourself enough to stand up for yourself? Pretend you are your own best friend in a chair in front of you. What would you tell this friend?
I like to think about what if my life was a sitcom and watch it in my mind.
I know from my experience, people don't respect people who they can control and use. Some will take advantage and some will not want to be around them.
You are doing wonderful keeping your sobriety. Do you have a program of recovery?
I used to put cards up, positive reinforcement cards to remind me of things. like you are beautiful just how you are, smile, keep it simple.
My husband was on a serious program for years. he got up in the morn, go out on his deck and talk to his hp, tell himself i choose not to drink today. He would be honest, help others, working on being a better person. He was with out a mate for two years while he grew and learned. did the 90 meetings in 90 days,went to lots of meetings. he did not even cuss.
drama that we can avoid helps so very much.
Anyway I hope you take care of you. It is very ok to do that. please keep coming back.
Good for you for applying your program(s). It sounds like you were calm & realistic in your boundaries.
I got really mad (not too long ago) @ an A in the chat rm saying that 'boundaries are just ways to manipluate/control others' -- well I nearly ripped his head off.
Boundaries are a form of self-protection, you sound like you are being level-headed, nice to hear you are handling it so well.
- one day at a time, sometimes (as I have hyper ventilated a lot) just one moment at a time but like you sd Lou, "this too shall pass".
-love, -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
So glad to see you on the board. I'm glad that you set up some kind of boundary with her. While I feel bad that she is losing her grandmother, please don't let her use that to control you or manipulate you. That may sound harsh, but I've seen it done to people I care about in relatively the same circunstances.
Thank you for reminding me about an A's emotional development. That makes sense. My husband too is hin his mid 40s. Some of the decisions he makes, doesn't seem logical, but it does when I take it from your persepective.
I'm very proud of you for not drinking or doing yourself any other harm. What a strong man you are. That you got through that night without doing any harm to yourself one way or another should tell you just how good you are doing.
Slow and steady. Be good to yourself. Please guard your heart.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Ahhh! Glad you're alright. Someone posted something outstanding about boundaries on this forum recently. Learning to ride the ups and downs of life with dignity and grace is a challenge with or without alcohol. (I'm still learning.) For those affected by the family disease of alcohol, the overreactions can create more crises than necessary. (BTDT.) Hang in there. {{{{{{{{{UncleLou}}}}}}}}}}
I know myself I can be very hard on my husband, and I get very angry. But that is no excuse for hurting someone. Simople common courtesy is so important in all relationships.
I'm glad to see you establishing boundaries. It is not manipulation, it is self preservation.
I can't help thinking that, okay the alcoholic is empoionally only at the age they started drinking. Seems to me that might go for the spouse or co-dependant as well. From the time we are young we are told "you can't have your cake and eat it to." Your Wife cannot depend on you to help her, while persuing another relationship, that is asking too much.
Stick to your boundaries, they are fair. Don't forget to give yourslef a little extra kindness and a pat on the back for getting through this. Remember you have to take care of yourslef first.
(((((((((unclelou))))))))))) so glad to see you back on the board!!! I admire your strenghthen and your willingness to not give up and give in!!! Wow congradulations on being sober for 2 years that is awesome I am so glad you are here I seem to learn a lot from the AAs and I am so very grateful for them!!!!
I think you are doing a great job with the difficult situation you are in. You are working your program.
She may not get it, because she may not be able to understand it. I just keep remembering where I was when I was at my sickest, right before I walked through the doors of alanon.
Keep coming back.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I too am glad to see you put the boundary in place, Under different circumstances it could be seen as manipulation, but if X would like you to stay, the trade is your mental health. Besides, if her true cause in asking you to stay is to be w/her Grandmother, your request should be no problem.
Love ya lou Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hi Uncle Lou I am glad you are okay and that is a great boundary you put in place. I think your wife needs to sort out who she really wants to be there for her in all ways especially emotionally. Sometimes you have to have the s..t with the sugar. It is not healthy for you when she is swinging from you to Tom. Stay strong. Luv Leo xxx
