The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was reading on these boards the other day and someone said something like thank god I'm not perfect, then what would I do? For some reason that stuck in my head and I got to thinking on the way home from work this weekend about how my hp didn't make me perfect. It makes sense I would mess up quite a bit as I work the kinks out. This was a big change in thinking for me, because before Alanon I thought I was a continual screw-up and in God's eyes I was done for.
Today I realize my hp didn't intend me to know everything right off the bat. I can see that in Alanon I have come a long way in learning about myself and learning how to behave. So many things about myself that I can see that are good, and so many others I can see to change if I want to. I don't see everything as so black and white. Nothing's necessarily a done deal anymore.
One of the specific things I've noticed and worked on is how I tend to second guess myself a lot. Never quite sure if I am doing/thinking/saying the right thing. Waffler that I am, I am attracted to people who seem very sure of themselves. This is true of my husband, too....and in being married to him and seeing for myself the things he is not sure of himself (but oh wait I thought he was sure of EVERYTHING) I have come to see that even those who seem sure are probably not as sure as they seem. I've learned it's okay to have doubts. Doubting doesn't mean I'm wrong (because I used to think that's what it meant). Doesn't mean that I'm less than anyone else. So I don't need to act like I am. And I am doing better at not clinging to the "sure" people as the lifeline that they aren't. The changes in my behavior have unfortunately pissed more than a few people off, and I used to think that was my problem but today I know it's not. Huge weight off my back, which is nice. Thanks everyone for your help, I enjoy reading all your posts. They give me a lot to think about. - Hope
It is always nice to read how someone started thinking one way and then by continuing to work the program, starts to think a different way. Especially when that "something" allows you to now love yourself even more. A beautiful thing....Thanks for the share.
I have found that I was second guessing myself because the person I thought I should be able to trust, my A, became untrustworthy....seems weird, but I started second guessing all sorts of stuff about myself. When we met I was full of self confidence and self esteem, little by little I let it get away....this last year I have worked very hard on myself. I have started to listen to my GUT again....and in matters where I am unsure, I have non-judgemental family and friends (not all my friends, just a select few) that I can use as a sounding board....Hang in there, sounds like your wheels are spinning....
I have found that when I second, or third, fourth guess myself -- it never comes out well or correct. My first instinct is nearly ALWAYS right, as it is my intuition which I believe is coming from my HP or guardian angels or wtvr/whoever.
The more I followed my initial instinct, the smoother & easier things would inevitably go for me. I just tried it a few times, as things worked out, I trusted myself & was able to do it more & more. Hey, anything is worth a try.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
