The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Oh the insidious disease. My HP gave me strength today thankfully. My a started on the asking for money again. Asking for $14. This is what her beverage of choice goes for today. I refused stating that I’m am not funding her addiction. She starts to doing the begging routine. This is where I would have caved in the past and I would have blown my stack on my way there.
It took everything I had in me. I kept my calm. I spoke in calm tones. My water bottle was shaking though so I’m sure my nerves did show through. She threaten that she had found the paperwork for the engagement ring and was prepared to sell it back to the jewelers. “If you loved me you’d give me $14”. “You’re going to make me sell the ring? That shows how much it means to you.” Well, I couldn’t help myself. I tried to have the rational conversation w/ the irrationally sick person. I tried to explain that I love you more by not feeding your addiction. I tried to explain that I can’t control if she sells the ring. That it’s no my choice, it’s hers. She is the one making the choice between the symbol of our marriage and alcohol. She argued her point again.
I made one final comment. If you sell your ring, your making my decision easier because your showing me what is more important to you. Was this right? Was it a shoddily veiled threat that I would move forward if she did this? Partly. It also made me wonder though that if she sold it, was this the sign from my HP that I’ve been asking for to show me the path?
I went outside and finished some yard work. I sat on the concrete wall and tried to meditate some and speak with my higher power or to allow him to speak to me. I said the Serenity Prayer over a few times, taking deep breaths. Then I continued to breathe trying to relax. I still felt my nerves shaking me from the previous conflict where I almost held back everything. I whispered to him ….guide me…..guide me……guide me……..
A little literal for my liking but at first I found myself in the middle of the woods. Spinning around. Trees whirled past me and I was confused and lost. Finally there was a rock. I large rock, 15 feet or more high. This is where I went hiking w/ our cubscouts a few weeks ago. Behind me while face the rock was a cliff of rocks with a 25ft drop. To the right of the rock there was only one path as this was a small inlet off the main trail. I started to walk down this trail and a scary creature resembling some Hollywood mummy was coming towards me with outstretched hands. I continued to walk down the path on a collision course.
I don’t know if it was more than I wanted to deal with in my state or what. Here the state ended. And I opened my eyes. I was still relaxed.
I think my HP was talking to me today earlier today. I’ve never had a relationship with my HP though so I’m not really sure. I had another moment when I was running an errand today. I heard a song, The Promise. The first two verses I started crying, thinking it my HP was asking me to have trust in him/her.
If you need a friend, don't look to a stranger, You know in the end, I'll always be there.
And when you're in doubt, and when you're in danger, Take a look all around, and I'll be there.
I’m not sure if the chorus and the next verse was supposed to remind me of how I’ve spoken with my HP and that he understands.
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise) I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise) But if you wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me, I promise, I promise you I will.
When your day is through, and so is your temper, You know what to do, I'm gonna always be there.
Lastly this verse is me. It’s exactly what I said in therapy with my wife with her addiction counselor. She was bringing up how I was often belittling, or critcal. I never meant to be. I’ve meant none of the harm I’ve caused.
Sometimes if I shout, it's not what's intended. These words just come out, with no gripe to bear.
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I don't think you intended to make any veiled threats, but I am not you so I can't say what you meant. By telling you that you are going to make her sell her ring, your Wife was trying to put the blame and responsibility on you.
It isn't that she does or doesn't care about the ring, but she will do anything or threaten to do anything to get the booze. You did do right by not accepting the responsibility of it. You are not making her sell the ring by not giving her the money. That is her choice, not yours. She could choose to sell something else, or find another way, or do without (okay that one will not happen if she is active.)
Only you can know what your HP is telling you. A ring is a symbol. I love my Wedding rings with all my heart, but if I needed to provide food or medicine to my children or even my husband, and couldn't find another way, I would sell them in a moment. They are an outward sign, and material objects. While she is drinking, your Wife probably sees booze as an important necessity. Selling her ring is an emotional way to try and get you to cave in. In reality it would be no different than drinking away the kids Christmas present money, or the mortgage payment.
bobump, i think you did the right thing, you did not enable her....if she sells ring, it is her choice.....i also know that your HP will guide you as to *what the deal is with you/her/marriage* it appears to me you did A-OK....rosie
