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She told me she was distancing herself from the other guy. She told our friend that she broke it off with him and he didn’t take it too well. I believed her. I set myself up. Last weekend I gave her space and let her have time alone with the kids. I hardly spoke to her all week. I thought that’s what she wanted.
Friday night she didn’t come home, and the kids slept over friends’ houses. Saturday morning I woke up early, she still wasn’t home, she spent the night with him again, and last night too probably.
Why do I still want to try so hard? I’m a mess. Why do I still love her? Yesterday was a waste, I feel like a useless piece of crap. I feel incapacitated today, The pain is excruciating. Why did she mislead me? Why mislead her friends that I spoke to. I thought we were going to give each other some space alone for a while and try again. She says that she loves me. Her friends say she tells them that too. Then why is she doing this? Does she have any idea how much pain this is causing me? I want my family healthy and whole.
I’ve lost all motivation to do anything today. Add the guilt I’m feeling because of that on top of the pain and I don’t want to live. God please take me. I don’t want to drink but I can't take this pain anymore.
(((unclelou))) i understand the pain you are going through. i too at many times felt like i could not live. especially when i found out my a cheated on me. i dont know how i am still here and how im still with him the night i found alanon i was so ready to commit suicide then i picked up the bible and prayed for god to help me. he led me to this site. i was out of control. he restored my sanity and made me see im on earth for a reason he loves me i am his child. so here i am. still here. i've never felt that way again. ive still been hurt but not to that extremity. hp gets me through every single day. it is very hard to deal with all that has happened. hp loves you so much and so does everyone here. through your posts ive learned so much. others actions can be so friggin confusing. i cant tell you why she is being this way. i cant tell you how to fix everything. but i can tell you i am here and i care about you. i know how you feel more then you know. and most importantly hp will help you through this, just go to him. please tc of yourself. write down your feelings. do anything. cry it all out and dont stop no matter how long it takes. hold nothing in. just pm me on the board if you want to talk. i am here
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
I am so sorry. I can relate (not in the same way, as I was your wife) but to the excruciating pain of not wanting to carry on any more.
First of all, call your sponsor -- that wanting to drink is not a good sign. "One is too many and 1,000 isn't enough." Get to a meeting. Have them drag you to a meeting daily if need be. The kids can punt for a little while. The kids are no good without you and you need to be healthy first.
I know we are not suppose to give advice; however :), I think it will destroy you to continue living in your house. Not only that, that continues to enable your wife. Either have her move out or you and the kids leave for an apartment. You will continue to love her no matter what; however, you have to love yourself too. Get on your knees and ask God to give you the strength to let her go (either off alone or to her boyfriend) so you can grieve and get on with living and loving another woman worthy of your love. Don't feel guilty about what you did in the past with your drinking. Yes, it hurt her. But that was then. Today, you are doing the best you can and you are not drinking -- that's good. Don't let that guilt hold you in status quo.
Know that we love and support you here, keep coming and STAY SOBER!!!!
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))),
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
((((unclelou)))))) The pain they cause is so great. It doesn't matter what "they" do, drink, use, any type of manipulation...our behaviors are so hard to change, they can change though. I am hurting also this morning, not because he stayed out all night with another women, but probably stayed out all night with the "white" woman...cocaine. I am trying to stay positive, I have busied myself with "My" things this morning...but inside I am waiting for the phone to ring or for him to pull up in the drive way.....I wrote one time how I was hurting and asked the question why.....? It was responded to on the board with lots of "asking the question why will drive you crazy" Anytime the person you have put trust in hurts you it then makes you feel foolish, I am starting to think the more this happens the worse I feel about me....now I am asking myself "why" why am I continuing to let the other person hurt me.....so what are doing for you? Be gentle with yourself....don't beat yourself up over something/sombody you can't control.
No one knows what another person is feeling, but we have all felt that terrible feeling of despair, lonliness, helplessness, and hopelessness. You can make it Lou. We, your friends here, can help you. My prayers are with you as are my positive thoughts and hopes too. Your broken heart will heal...all good comes in the fullness of time.
With great caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
So may times I have felt the way you are feeling. Every time my A went back out, when I found out he was gambling, cheating...God, the list goes on. I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but, if you are feeling like you want to drink or die, neither is good. Call your sponsor, get to a meeting. Focus back on yourself. It is so difficult to let go of the ones we love but if that person is making your soul sick and compromising your sobriety, then detach. Focus on Lou. Things will get better. All the times that I felt that way, I am still here and although some days are bad..they are not nearly as bad. Good luck and I will be praying for you.
I don't know what motivates your Wife, no one but her does. Okay so she was hurt in the past. That does not give her an excuse to cause you pain forever. It doesn't matter if she loves you or doesn't, right now se is destroying you. DO NOT LET HER. Just like she had no control over your drinking you have no control over her action. What you can control is what you are letting them do to you. In order for a relationship to work, both have to be trying, one cannot carry it alone, no matter how hard they try.
I realize that you are divorced, but if she is leading you to believe that she wants to try again, then she should not be continuing a relationship with another. It is toying with peoples emotions.
I agree with the others, get to a meeting or several meetings, call your sponsor, go have coffee with a friend. You should not be alone. You are the most important person in your life! You need to keep yourself sober and sane.
You deserve to be happy.I know you want your marriage, but maybe right now it is not to be. Let go, take care of yourself and do not allow yourself to be hurt and manipulated. You deserve more. If it is going to work out it will, but without the baggage of more lies and deceit.
Take care Lou, believe you deserve more than this.
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Please try to hold on. Don't let your X steal your power. Any advererse reaction to what she is doing right now is sucking the life out of you and the sad part is, she's only thinking of herself. It's ok to grieve,normal even, but try grieve the situation while remembering what a wonderful guy you are. Your side of the street is clean. NO ONE should have the power to make you want to die. If they do, it was given to them. Have you made some boundaries for yourself? If not, I believe it's time. By hanging on and "being there" for your X no matter what, it appears that she is taking advantage and manipulating you. If she gives you hope that she will return to you, you back off a bit and she is free to do as she pleases. On the other hand, allowing this to happen to you is caused by enabling. There seems to be no boundaries and no consequences, so why should she do anything different? I also agree with the suggestion to call your sponsor, get to a meeting if possible, most importantly take care of you. Have you ever been to the chatroom here (link on left)? It's wonderful place. You can get some ESH and know you are with family there that loves you. THIS TOO SHALL PASS
Hang in Lou, We (Alanons) can get through this together.! Love , Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 14:34, 2005-11-13
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Our insanity is that we keep doing the same t hings over and over again expecting this tim eit will be diff. You have your own life to get back on track get out of that painful house , it is after all only boards and nails You built that one u can build another.
It sounds like you do alot of talking to friends about her, and most of your posts are about her - Fix yourself get healthy and stay sober your kids deserve that . Your wife has been profoundly affected by alcoholism and she needs to recover I assume she has no program neither AA or Al-Anon . One person cannot make a relationship work . Love cannot survive with out justice. It took me along time to understand that statement but finally got it If i can't get back what I am prepared to give in any relationship it will die.
I know you are a recovering A but if u have access to an ODAT our first daily reader , try going to page on JUly 14th and do what it says . work it . Change the word alcoholic to your spouses name and u wll have a map for getting your life back . that page changed my life . Do what it says to the best of your ability and it will change yours too. Louise
I want ........ I’ve lost all motivation to do anything today. Add the guilt I’m feeling because of that on top of the pain and I don’t want to live. God please take me. I don’t want to drink but I can't take this pain anymore.
"I want..." ((((Lou)))) there have been many things that I too have wanted. Unfortunately, what I want hasn't always been what God/HP wanted for me. And every time that I kept trying to do my will, rather than His will, I ended up in a mess. Letting Go and Letting God is perhaps one of the hardest things I've done in life. Yet every time I do, I have found some peace, some progress within myself. I was 8 months pregnant with 3 older children (1, 5, & 9) when I found out my ex was cheating on me. I went into a total tailspin. I did not have a program at that time. I lived halfway across the state from my family. I was alone. To even be able to call my family I had to drive to a phone booth, we didn't even have a phone. My daughter was born, within 2 months I was down to a size 3 (my normal size would be a 7 or 9) because I couldn't eat properly...I would drink coffee and chain smoke and hardly sleep. No self-care at all. All I could focus on was the ex and what was happening. I spoke with my brother on the phone, told him what was going on, within a week he and my dad were there to bring me and the kids home to my parents house. I did not want to go...but I would have literally died if I hadn't. I was experiencing an emotional/mental breakdown without even realizing it. It took me 6 months at home to begin to find myself again. I was an empty shell, knowing in my head what I used to believe in, what used to bring me joy...but I could not feel any of it. Having my daughter kept me alive, gave me a reason to live. In my darkest moments I would think to myself, who would take care of her if I were not here, who would love her as I do? In time I came to find that we were better off with people who loved us than with someone who didn't. It was not an easy process to go thru, but ya know, I believe HP was there watching over us. HP did not want me to die, but maybe He wanted me to learn something. I hope I have. I have a program now. I am with a man who, while he is an A, still has the same morals and values that I do. I "want" him to quit drinking, but that is not in my hands. He is a good husband and a good father. He has the illness of alcoholism. I have learned to treat him as someone who is sick in bed while he is drunk and not expect him to be up and doing "normal" things at that time. I wouldn't have serious discussions with someone sick in bed with the flu, ya know? Fortunately we have many times when he is not drinking. He has been in AA before also and knows the program, so we are able to talk "program" and relate in that way and discuss our issues using program tools. What I do have to watch out for are my own expectations and where I am putting my focus. I can not focus on any "I wants" if they do not revolve around a want of changing myself, because I can only change me, not anyone else. When I focus on others, what they are or arent doing, that is when I find myself slipping in my own program, getting depressed, having stinking thinking, etc. This does me no good, and it does no one else any good. If I have learned nothing else, at least I have learned that. I still struggle with Let Go and Let God, but I'm really trying to keep myself out of the driver's seat and let God direct my life. Hope to truly get there one day. As others have said to me.... keep talking to HP, ask HP for the strength to do His will, for the wisdom to listen to Him, for acceptance and the knowledge that even if I don't understand I will at least know that HP is doing what is best for me. Keep coming back ((((Lou)))). Odat!!!
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I don't know if this will help, but I can give you my experience from the 'other side'. Your ex-wife's side. When living for years with alcoholism, it affects us. We have to re-learn to live life 'for us' after we admit we're powerless. We have to learn to let go...give up trying to control our A's...and move on. Sometimes, in order to do that - the letting go part takes years. It can happen slowly while we're still living with active alcoholism. Here's the saddest part. There are times when you let go so much that the thought of grabbing back on becomes overwhelming. Sober or not, it's so hard to fathom taking that risk. We are riddled with guilt...just like you...but for different reasons. In my case, I feel guilty for not wanting to work things out now that my AH is sober. For me, his sobriety is simply not enough. I tried over and over and over again for 20 years to convince myself that the marriage I had... should be good enough. Once I decided that it wasn't - that I deserved much, much more and started to live my life FOR ME...everything changed. The guilt didn't go away completely because taking care of myself felt so selfish. I am slowly learning that it's not selfish at all. Most alcoholics pick strong women to marry. Women who are filled with love and compassion. It takes us a long time to learn a new way to live. Still filled with love and compassion, however; very necessary to be direct it more towards ourselves instead of our alcoholics. We need to...in order to save ourselves. Now, I'm not saying your ex is feeling the same feelings as me, and I certainly don't want to make light of how you're feeling. It hurts from both sides. The pain is very real.
We, the loved ones of alcoholics have to make tough choices too. What we can live with and what we can't. Your wife may not know for sure yet. She may not completely trust your sobriety yet. She may not know this 'new you' enough to take the chance. It's soooo very hard to let go of past hurts and memories. Even if we do finally learn to forgive the past, it doesn't always equal reconciliation. The most important thing for you right now...is to take care of YOU. Remember who you are and who you want to be. Healthy and sober. If your wife one day decides that the risk is worth taking for her...maybe you'll still be willing and maybe you won't. Either way...if you find someone to share your life with, it's the icing on the cake. Not the entire dessert.
I hope you take this as it was intended. As insight from someone who has walked and is still walking...in your wife's shoes.
She needs to find her own way in her own time. It's really all we can do. Try to remember that her way and your way may not be destined to meet in the same direction.
You deserve to live a sober, happy life. Only you can decide to it. Don't give that power to someone else.
No no no no and no! This emotional pain will pass and LOVE will return. Your life is important to us and I personally value your input on this forum. Pain is temporary; ending your life is permanent. Not worth it, Lou! Hang in there. {{{{{{{{{{{Lou}}}}}}}}}}}}}
You didnt choose to be born, and i think in my opinion we dont deserve the right to take our own lives, it was gift in my opinion. I know what it feels like to feel trapped in a relationship. To want to try again for what it once was, so i wouldnt be throwing away all the years i spent in it. I can see sometimes the man that i married and get a warm feeling and most of the other times i am glad i made the decision i did not to go back. There is another side, and this is just my opinion and maybe shes afraid to go back maybe she thinks it wont change, or maybe shes so scared to allow herself to love you again so shes trying to forget with someone else or maybe shes so afraid of being hurt or hurting you there are a ton of maybes and no one can really know how she feels or why shes doing what shes doing. Maybe shes holding on to him so she doesnt have to face her own feelings. I say that maybe she thinks those things because i have after my separation.Think of the very first time you decided to quit drinking, were you able to do it right away or did your fear take over and you slipped? I suggest to have a serious talk with her and ask her what she truly wants wants and what you really want. Then go from there. If you need space to stop feeling this way then wait awhile. I really do hope you do not take your life and get to a meeting or even come here to the chat room and we can let you vent. Nothing is worth dying over, everything happens for a reason. I find it hard to accept the bad stuff what other choice do i have? I can stay stuck and ask all the whys and what ifs and should ofs and could ofs and get angry all i want and the outcome stays the same always. Those why will never get answered and acceptance comes into play again. This is happening what will i do with it. Its how we handle things in life that matter, how we choose to deal or fall its a long way up when we fall. Dont fall!!!!!!!!!!! I can say that it would be so very easy for me to give up and i know that if i didnt have kids i may not be here after the death of my mom was alot for me. I dont think i would of survived or even fought like i have if i didnt have them, sometimes i used to say they dont deserve me almost convinced myself of that.Then whats next? How can i not give it my all isnt my life worth that arent my kids lives worth my all??? i was chosen to live a life for me and i cant take it before my time. Have to break the cycle sometime might as well be me to WORK to do it.We can choose to cope in a healthy way and take care of ourselves. Taking care of you take a break from all shes doing and focus on your own recovery. All else will fall as it should like it or not Hope this helped
kerry
-- Edited by kerry5 at 18:58, 2005-11-13
-- Edited by kerry5 at 19:16, 2005-11-13
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
I know those dark feelings so well. But it will pass. Eventhough you can't see yourself as strong. You are. You are a survivor, as well as a loving, decent, and kind human being. You'll be able to weather this storm. Look at all you've been through. Please hang in there. Call your sponsor. Know that we are behind you 150%. As hard as it might seem, please don't give up. If not for yourself, for your children. They need you. You are not the screw up you believe yourself to be. All of this is not your fault. You will never convince me of that.
We're here for you, and we love you. Wishing you love, strength and peace my friend.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I married the same man, twice! So, I know that feeling of an 'undying love.' Once, very young, and that's when he started drinking too much. The second time, many years later, when he was a recovering A for several years. He cheated on me in both marriages. And, in my second marriage to him, he physically assaulted me at 4 months pregnant, still continues to harrass me to this day, and has yet to ever meet his son, his choice.
I know that pain...I wanted to completely fall apart, hit the bottom of some barrel physically and emotionally when he physically assaulted me, then I found out he was also cheating and heavily gambling, and I just couldn't take myself down as bad as I wanted to. I had a miracle on it's way, the pregnancy that doctor's told me I could never have successfully because of my own birth defects, and yet, this little baby was growing and doing well. I couldn't allow myself to suffer the way I wanted to because I risked having a miscarriage. I HAD to take care of me, I had to turn it all over to my HP. All my pain, ALL of it. I may not have felt "worth it" at that moment, but the thought of making my own innocent child stress inside me and be the victim of my own pain was unthinkable. I just couldn't do it. And, the beauty of it all after I did that? Every day got better and better, even though I got bigger and bigger and bigger...lol. I never had one single complication and everything fell into place. Doors of opportunity opened left and right, my financial concerns being a single mother never became an issue.
Yes, of course I still love him, but in a healthier way. He is the father of my only son, he was part of a very special gift from God. He gave me an angel on Earth that has all of his good and wonderful qualities. My son shows me everyday why I fell in love with his father, in the best of ways. But, I cannot live with him. I have to do what I feel is best for me and my son. And for me, that is best.
Always know, you are "worth every breath you take." We all know that, your HP knows that, your children know that...even though right now it's tough, it's temporary, as my HP showed me, it can be as temporary as you want it to be. As soon as we can turn over the pain, the world we live in is a much better and brighter place for ourselves AND those precious ones that love us. But please remember, take it one day at a time, just take one day at a time...
I send all my love, all the ((((((((hugs)))))))) I can muster, and my prayers for you and your family.
Call your sponsor. Call a suicide hotline. Call your therapist. Do NOT tackle this alone. Do NOT drink. Remember, a man takes a drink.... a drink takes a drink.... a drink takes a man.
It worries me that you would have these thoughts. Suicide cannot be reversed. It will leave behind intense guilt and pain for your children and your ex-wife and all of your friends and family members.
You have been given very good advice. You should remove yourself from this situation. This is not healthy for anyone. One of you must move. You must also learn to generate your own happiness. It should not come from an outside source.
Please, please take one moment at a time and do not do anything foolish.
I hope you listened to those who suggested you call your sponsor, I ditto that. Please call someone you trust to help you talk you through this.
I remeber when my "A" and I split up, it was so painful. It was his choice not mine. Told me I was to f****n co-dependent. I was pregnant with our second child at the time. I wished God would have taken me to. But I had to live long enough to give birth to our child.
During those months I got back into meetings. I went regurlarly to them. I got my sponsor. I became active in service. I got better. And the pain of missing him lessened. I found myself because I was focusing on me, my 2 year old daughter and my unborn child. After the baby was born I got more active in my alanon. I became healthy and I let my "A" go. If he and I were to get abck together, that was in God's hands.
When my "A" realized I wasn't waiting for him to come back, but I wasn't ready to move on, he came a callin'. He started talking about getting back together. i told him I wasn't sure. (Holy Crap where did that come from , that is what I thought, I know now it was my HP watching out for me.)
My "A" told me after we got back together that Desperate is not very attractive, and once I let go, he sensed it, saw that i had changed, and liked what he saw. I am not saying that this will happen to you. Only your HP knows what is to happen.
To me the healthy thing sounds like a good time to use the slogan, Let go and Let God.
I hear you focusing on her, put the focus back on you.
Go to your AA meetings, do you go to alanon meetings?
Work on you, My "A" always told me to stop worrying about the future, because I would future 'xxxx' myself. (Sorry about the language). LoL, he is rarely right, but when it comes to that he is.
I will be praying for you.
Much Love,
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 3rd of July 2012 03:27:10 PM
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I truly know the pain you are in right now. I wish I had some magical words to make it all better. Your reply to my dilema last week really helped me out so much. I will keep you in my prayers.
Detach big time. Get off all of this stuff about your X wife. Your focus should be on YOU !!! Not on her and what she does or doesn't do. You can't control her no more than she could control your drinking. Keep your focus where it belongs.
(((((((((((uncle lou))))))) I can relate completely to your share,,as you see I have been right where you are right now, with my husband. I just wanted to let you know, there was only one place where I didnt feel abandoned was -----"Alanon". Please try and focus on your needs and your children's needs at this time. Thinking of you.......gardengal
You didnt choose to be born, and i think in my opinion we dont deserve the right to take our own lives, it was gift in my opinion. I know what it feels like to feel trapped in a relationship. To want to try again for what it once was, so i wouldnt be throwing away all the years i spent in it. I can see sometimes the man that i married and get a warm feeling and most of the other times i am glad i made the decision i did not to go back. There is another side, and this is just my opinion and maybe shes afraid to go back maybe she thinks it wont change, or maybe shes so scared to allow herself to love you again so shes trying to forget with someone else or maybe shes so afraid of being hurt or hurting you there are a ton of maybes and no one can really know how she feels or why shes doing what shes doing. Maybe shes holding on to him so she doesnt have to face her own feelings. I say that maybe she thinks those things because i have after my separation.Think of the very first time you decided to quit drinking, were you able to do it right away or did your fear take over and you slipped? I suggest to have a serious talk with her and ask her what she truly wants wants and what you really want. Then go from there. If you need space to stop feeling this way then wait awhile. I really do hope you do not take your life and get to a meeting or even come here to the chat room and we can let you vent. Nothing is worth dying over, everything happens for a reason. I find it hard to accept the bad stuff what other choice do i have? I can stay stuck and ask all the whys and what ifs and should ofs and could ofs and get angry all i want and the outcome stays the same always. Those why will never get answered and acceptance comes into play again. This is happening what will i do with it. Its how we handle things in life that matter, how we choose to deal or fall its a long way up when we fall. Dont fall!!!!!!!!!!! I can say that it would be so very easy for me to give up and i know that if i didnt have kids i may not be here after the death of my mom was alot for me. I dont think i would of survived or even fought like i have if i didnt have them, sometimes i used to say they dont deserve me almost convinced myself of that.Then whats next? How can i not give it my all isnt my life worth that arent my kids lives worth my all??? i was chosen to live a life for me and i cant take it before my time. Have to break the cycle sometime might as well be me to WORK to do it.We can choose to cope in a healthy way and take care of ourselves. Taking care of you take a break from all shes doing and focus on your own recovery. All else will fall as it should like it or not 
