Weddings...should qualifier come? - Al-Anon Family Group

coachwork · Newbie

Weddings...should qualifier come?

All I can be · Senior Member

Hi Coachwork

Have you considered taking a piece of paper and drawing a line down the center to make a plus and minus column?

What does your bride to be REALLY feel about it? You will need an open dialog and compromise the rest of your lives.

People that judge you based on this would find other reasons to judge you so maybe that is a non factor.

What does your Higher Power teach?

All the best!

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Have you talked to your bride? What are her thoughts? A huge thing that I have learned is that we are not responsible for someone elses actions. My AH is going to drink, what am i going to do?

I often times think about the fact that I want to be treated with love and respect, so I try and treat my AH the same way.

Take what you want and leave the rest. Congratulations on your upcoming special day!!!

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi coach, are you attending meetings too? I encourage you to because growing up in an alcoholic home left me with a great deal of warped thinking.

My wedding guest list was probably 90% alcoholics, haha! They're everywhere, it's an imperfect world. I have learned to live with them by practicing the principles of this fabulous program. Boundaries are good for me, it sound like you have members who are willing to help you provide those boundaries ... putting up walls were not so good for me, they just isolated me from reality. Fact is, you have an alcoholic mother. It's awesome that you have offers to help keep the peace, if necessary. Keep in mind, it may NOT be necessary.

My father in law acted up at my wedding, he was nearly thrown out at the wedding reception, but he settled down. Lots of drama, lol. I laugh now because today I accept that I am sick, I come from a sick family. For years, I pretended I didn't though, everything on the outside looked perfect.

Wow, did it look perfect! I exhausted myself trying to make it look that way. What an illusion.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I like the ESH you have received already I wanted to add, my husbands mother was kept from the wedding of a son by his choice. It was handled and this is my opinion very poorly based upon the fact she was invited and the brother chose not to follow through on the invite. It created a lot of stress between them and the bride who had no idea about the situation thought her husband to be had been slighted. She kept waiting for information and she was completely ignored. I felt really sorry for her.

There are no easy answers to this situation, your mom may drink she may make a scene and it could be extremely awkward. This day is about you and your bride. For whatever reason I have never had the same issues with my MIL that my husband and his brothers have had, probably that I can see the issue from an outside point of view and during our dating time it never affected me directly. I have always found being upfront (I'm working on the whole saying what I mean, meaning what I say however don't say it mean issue) to be the best policy in dealing with sticky situations.

Are you having an early wedding or late wedding? Sometimes catching someone in the AM is better. It would be a shame to cut her out based upon what she might do, however I understand not wanting to have that be the memory that lasts a lifetime. I always think of the scene in Postcards from the Edge where Shirley McClain and Meryl Streep are fighting over her 9th birthday party and the fact the mom twirled around and her dress went up and she wasn't wearing any underwear. That is a worst case scenario.

Talk to your bride and maybe you guys can figure out a way to include her I know alcoholic or not as a mother I would be crushed not to be included in important events. I do understand completely where you are coming from.

Hugs P :)

Congrats on your special day!!

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Question in my head is: does mom know you and others think she has a problem? Could you establish a rule in regards to it? you can come mom but no drinking, or if you drink, this will happen....? I would also discuss the issue with bride to be. Sorry you have to go through such for what should be a wonderful thing like your wedding! Good luck!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

This brought a lot of thoughts to me.

Probaby conflicting ones too!

Even though a loved one is an addict, does not mean we have a right to control their behavior by trying to exclude them. We don't own their acting out either.

She is NOT you. I would not exclude a person who was challenged with touretts or any other interruptive type behavior. If people mind that is their problem not ours.

I am on the other side. My family did not smoke,drink, cuss, fight seems weird huh?

Daddys side had some stranage ones for sure, but you know they were who they were and we were NEVER sorry to have them around at any family thing, weddings included.

When I am somewhere and someone is drunk, honestly I never thought to be critical or have it bug me!

Let me say this. I am thinking your mom does come, she may be ok then later get a bit off. But from the time she shows up you show her your love and smile and be glad she is alive and there. Bride, her family, whoever will only see your love for her. Lets say she does something sorta off but not horrible, you can smile and say, thats my mom!

You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. She is your mother. Her illness does not make her a lessor person. Believe me love can help all things.

Does she have any friends? Or family or that could be there getting ready, bring her, sit with her. If her disease does get out of control, these friends can take her home. Not your family.

I am telling you I would even be happy to come with her to just be there! It's not her fault.

Believe me I do understand where you are coming from. I have a feeling excluding her, would hurt you and others all the more.

Life is not perfect, nothing is. Your wedding just needs to be full of love and happiness. Think about the things people can go thru and have at their weddings.

Are you having alcohol there? Well if you are believe me, she won't be the only one who is drunkand or or loaded.

I just watched a movie with AlanAlda where his daughter gets married. The tent sprung horrible leaks as it was outside pouring down rain. He felt awful till he turned around and saw his daughter smiling and laughing. That is all that mattered.

When I read your share I felt such a heaviness and darkness. I agree with someone above that ACOA may be a wonderful gift for you at some point.

Dad and brother, if she goes too far, could even call a cab, give them her address and ask him/her to make sure she gets into her house. Or have a neighbor meet her at the cab.

Or call an AA member dad and bro know to plan to come get her if she needs to go home.

Hon I honestly believe it can be ok, and you would feel so much better if she came. We don't know how she will be. But we can make plans if things are not appropriate.

Love is forgiving and kind, does not keep account of the injury.

I would wish the miracle of her coming, no matter what it is ok. Then you can think back someday that mom was there, you have no regrets and shaking your head thinking,mom was just mom!!

I invite you to calm yourself, be concerned and look at options. The day will be what it is, and we choose how we are going to react to it.

Watching Intervention there was a gal who was at a family dinner. Mom just started in on her using dope and on and on. The gal was so hurt, even though she was loaded, just got up and left in pain.

A's still feel pain.

hugs hugs,please let us know how things go. debilyn

rrib · Senior Member

It is true that you cannot control the alcoholic.

You have an issue with alcoholics. Some of your close family members either are recovering Al-Anon or recovering alcoholics. And another close family member is an active alcoholic.

If you do not serve alcohol at your wedding do you suspect your mother will bring her own? Or show up already in the bag? Will no one else be able in enjoy your wedding without alcohol?

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

I would suggest that you try some al-anon face to face meetings even if there is not an active alcoholic living with you the effects of growing up in an alcoholic home live on. I know it is easier said than done but you really should not feel any shame around your mother's drinking because it is honestly a disease also what other people think is their own business. The love you have in heart for your Mom does not shift or adjust according to how sick she is.. you will love her unconditionally. It may be hard to accept her. I would be sad to look back at pictures and know they will not be one with my mother and I. Ultimately it is your decision and your wedding day, congratulations, by the way. Keep coming back, check out these boards, read, post if you want, no matter how 'disconnected' you may be from alcoholism, it remains.. inside of us.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I can understand that if your mom brings disruption and scenes, as many alcoholics do, you would understandably not want this at your wedding. You may feel, "She has caused so much drama and chaos, can I just have this one important day of mine for me?" Only you and your family know the likelihood that she would be disruptive. However, I'd guess it's considerable since you're concerned about it.

I too think it's a decision you might make along with your fiancée. If you decide not to have your mother come, I would make that decision and not feel guilty. Alcoholics who cause trouble cause consequences, and not being welcome at your wedding could well be one of those consequences. If having her there would make you nervous and anxious about when all heck is going to break loose, that's something you shouldn't have to consider at your wedding. However, if you go ahead and invite her, I hope you can do your best to say to yourself, "She's going to do what she's going to do, I'm going to enjoy the big day no matter what."

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

coachwork, You've gotten some great ESH (experience, strength, hope) from folks already and I have nothing to add on the subject. But I noticed this is your first post so I want to give you a big welcome to MIP. And congratulations on your upcoming marriage. Because that is what's really important, right? Yes, the wedding itself is important, but it's only one day. Wishing you and your bride years of happiness.

All I can be · Senior Member

Coachwork I wish to share one last thing.

I grew up with Mother conflicts and carried my feelings into adulthood. Also both parents families had problem drinking. These feelings efected my future relationships and are a major part of the reason I am here today. I caution you, as I wish I had this relationship awareness many years ago.

I must share what I have learned with others.

coachwork · Newbie

My fiance and I have been speaking about this a great deal. She has simply said,"I want you to be worry free and happy. If she is going to be a distraction for you then she shouldn't be there. I'll support whatever decision you make."

She's pretty awesome. wink

Also...thanks to everyone for such helpful feedback. It has really made a huge difference. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

-Austin

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

You can be worry free if you practice the tools of recovery.

What you focus on gets bigger, my friend. If you keep believing that your mother has the power to ruin your day (any day!) she will. Or maybe someone else will, who knows, you may give people too much power. (we learn that growing up in an alcoholic home... it is a FAMILY DISEASE.)

But if you focus on recovery skills like "detachment"... that is what grows, you get better and better at it and then the winds of life won't blow you over.

My daughter will marry when she returns from afghanistan. I love her idea for the purpose of the day... bringing two families together. There is alcoholism in both families. Big deal. Doesn't mean there is no love, there is an abundance of love!! We will celebrate love and life regardless.

It is a possibility, my friend. Black and white thinking is living in the dis-ease. I hope you find some grey. It's a gift that others are offering to watch her for you, you can accept that gift. Then turn it over to God, the real "director" of our lives.

-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 10th of January 2012 11:06:37 AM

-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 10th of January 2012 11:13:04 AM

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