The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since coming to Al Anon and listening to the dialogue in F2F meetings and reading the posts here I realize that no one can tell me what I should or shouldn't do. HP gives us free will to decide what we will do and not do. So, why do I feel like my whole life I've made decisions based on what other's have said or suggested I do? People in my life have either praised me for my decisions or ideas or they have expressed "Why are you doing that?" and " You should do it this way." I listen because I want approval of these people in my life. I've realized for a long time that my "a" is probably not the right partner for me, but I have not made a firm decision to break off the relationship. I've been telling myself that it's better to put up with the yelling, the selfishness of the "a" and giving in to his demands to stop a raging fight. I've been telling myself that its better for my children to have two parents that bicker than them to have one parent who struggles to keep everything together. I realize I have taken so much crap because of fear. Fear of being alone, fear of raising my children by myself, Fear of never having a life because I'm too broke to do anything. Honestly, I don't do anything now. I don't have friends in my life that I get together with on a regular basis, I don't have church, I don't have hobbies, I have work, my kids, my family, and my "a" partner who I fight with more than I enjoy.
Each day that passes I dislike my partner more and more. I think I dislike myself more and more too because I have not put the boundaries in place. I let him bully me and I allow him to cross or break the boundary because I'm too afraid to stick up for myself. He intimidates me with his loud voice and throwing things and cussing in front of the kids. I read a quote today that talked about not waiting for life to happen to us because life will pass us by, but to do the very things we fear; because usually when we face our fears we come up to a better place and get exactly what we want out of life. It's scary thinking about jumping out into life on my own with two kids, but maybe if I did I would feel like I have breathing room to do things I enjoy again. Staying in a relationship for my children so they can have two parents means that I may sacrifice the next 16-years of my happiness. That's a long time!! God 16 more years of this life, I don't know if I can do it. My mom almost killed herself because she loved my Dad so much and he abused her emotionally and verbally to the point that she believed his lies. My mom says I'm much stronger than she was at my age. She says I'm way a head of the game than she was when she left my Dad. She stuck it out for 12-years.
I ask my Al Anon friends to pray for HP to reveal the answers to my questions. I pray for the courage to jump out into my life again and not wait for life to come to me. I pray for courage and wisdom to start putting my boundaries in place even if it means I have to take yelling, screaming and badgering over it. I will have discernment about when to speak and when to be quiet. I am worth being happy and loving myself again.
Thank you to those friends here that have been supportive and encouraging. This website allows me the freedom to share things that I can't share with other family and friends.
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
The following is based only on my opinions and my personal experience, so please feel free to take what you like and leave the rest.
The most valuable suggestion anyone gave me as an Al-Anon newcomer was to attend as many meetings as possible, and not make any major decisions or life changes for at least one year (ending or beginning a relationship, buying a house, changing careers)...It took at least that long and then some for the dust to settle in my life with the help of the program. Had I made any major decisions in the interim, even though I had entered a program of recovery, they would not have been completely thought out or logical, because my perspective was still so skewed and my mind was still so sick. The nature of my part of this sickness is such that I thought the entire time I was fine and rational, totally capable of clear thinking.
This recommendation from wiser and more seasoned people in the program kept me from rashly making some huge decisions that I undoubtedly would have wanted to reverse later when I had achieved more clarity. If you have been in Al-Anon for less than a year, I encourage you to continue going to meetings and to change the quality of your life through small adjustments and minor alterations to your attitudes, habits, and personal boundaries until you reach at least that year mark. If you are not yet working with a sponsor, I suggest that as well.
Try not to think in terms of 16 years in a block. This is a one day at a time program, so try to narrow your focus to the 24 hours ahead. My mind wants to race ahead and predict how life will be tomorrow, a week, and ten years down the line. I am better off staying in the moment. As it says on the Just for Today bookmark: I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
Good luck with your program and best wishes on continuing to grow!
Emmie
**For any newcomer reading this, please understand that if you are in harm's way or in danger of suffering physical violence, deciding to leave a relationship is not a rash decision. There is a special note to people living with violence at the beginning of most of our conference approved books. If anyone has access to that message, please post it here too...**
I think my first step towards recovery was to notice how much I didn't like my A nor myself. Once I admitted that I was able to start taking steps to correct it. Of course my admitting it and accepting it was forced upon me by 5 hours in jail for throwing the phone at my A, but I'm not a quick learner....LOL Slow and Steady, remember you are a work in progress. When you start taking baby steps to find yourself again, things get better. My first steps were to get up early Saturday mornings and escape from the house by myself to the beach. It gave me time to think, I would buy me a cup of coffee and drink it on the way, then spend an hour or so walking on the beach, sound of waves, (our beaches here are cold and it rains a bit) I would pick rocks up and then take my tiny treasures home. It is a simple pleasure. Now I am getting more and more interests with and without my A. They do have a way of manipulating to get what they want, but their wants and needs are no more important then our own. Start small, you are noticing things are not quite right, as you get healthier, you gain strength, you grow as an individual, what I have learned from experience....you will feel better. Hang in there, remember to be gentle with yourself.
Boy, your post really hits home for me. I feel like I'm in the exact same place. I've decided that I'm not going to take any drastic action for the next two months given the holidays, etc. I'm going to use the time to work on myself and see if that improves the situation, but at the same time I'm also going to be working on my "escape" plan because I feel in my gut I am not one who can live longterm with an active A. Up to this point I've said I need to stay for the kids, but are they really better off this way? Are they better off if I'm unhappy with where my life is at? I don't know the answers, but I understand your pain, fear, and desire to not let life pass you by! Making this decision to have a plan in place that will lead me where I'm supposed to be, either still with my A or not, by preparing to make either outcome achievable, has given me some peace of mind.
life is never what you think it is. im 24 and met my recovering alocoholic boyf. nearly 2 yrs ago. we went out for a year and 3 mths... even moved in 2gether for the last 3 months of that and i can honestly say it was a blissful year. the best year of my life...we had such a laugh. shared sooo many happy times, told each other what we wanted out of life, had hopes and dreams that included a family and living happily ever after. i should have known that it was too good to be true. i always had this notion that everything was like a fairytale and that good guys always came out on top. his friends were off the scene because they had been doing time etc.... not exactly the best role models for any guy out there. most had been in rehab too so they hadnt been around to influence him. when they came back on the scene his whole attitude changed. started meetig up with them, staying out all nite, getting depressed and moody, then disappearing for days without a trace. i was frantic, i lost a stone and a half in weight and suffered from panic attacks. then he came back legless, he was in and out of hospitals for 3 weeks, drinking one day, sober the next. i told him it was over. i moved back home and refused to answer his calls. between everything there was girls involved, ringing him, ringing me.... he swears that he never cheated then again..he would say that wouldnt he! he is currently in treatment AGAIN but for how long i dont know. i didnt know him before when he was drinking. i just saw the sober guy, the sweet, kind, loving guy who used to make me breakfast in bed, leave little love notes around the house, rub my hair until i fell asleep, never let a day go by without telling me how much he loved me and wanted babies. he never treated me with disrespect, we never fought or engaged in name calling. it was the best relationship i had ever been in, and i truely believed he was my soulmate. but the trust is gone twinmom, its so far gone its a horrible sinking feeling. i hate that breaking of my heart that the pain takes over and u cant function properly. everything we talked about, everything we planned is now gone. i dont trust an inch of him. i lost most of my friends because they saw how much i was hurting and i couldnt let go of him...emotionally and mantally. then i have him n the phone begging to talk to him, begging to meet up, he keeps declaring undying love, swears he didnt cheat, its now 3 months later and its still going on. each day if i hear a song on the radio or suddenly remember a memory i burst in to tears. i sooo wish it would get easier. we need to be strong, even though some dayswe just want to curl up and die...but you have 2 babies to love and look after. i am thinking of you.
I have to agree with others here in saying that this post hit home for me. I had made many decisions and did not make decisions based on fear. Others were made in anger. Fear of being alone led me to my relationship and subsequent marriage to my A husband...anger and frustration and mostly an emotional bottom led me to separating from him. It has been 3 months now and I have my ups and downs. I too do not have many friends to hang out with on the weekends, I'm 35 and live in suburbia, where most of my friends are married or have children or both and it is difficult some days. I do not have children to keep me busy so it is me and my dog. I can relate to so much of what you said. All I can say is this. Maybe you must wait a year to make a major decision, but only you know when you hit your emotional bottom. When you do you will know what you need to do as long as you keep going to meetings, and posting. As a suggestion, try to ask someone at Alanon to go for coffee. I know alot of the groups here go to the diner after the meetings and that is where alot of the work is done. In the AA groups my A has attended, going to the diner is almost necessary. It may be a good start for friendships as you have something in common. Take what you like, lest the rest. Good luck to you.
God/HP gave us an inner guide that we choose not to connect to and listen to. It all boils down to a lack of trust of ourselves. When I listen to my inner guide, I ALWAYS make the right choice. IF you have to visualize a shield around you to block what others say then do it until you can listen to that inner voice. Be still and listen. People will tell you what is good for their needs, not what is good for you! Stop living for others and live for you!!!
