The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My kids had off school today and tomorrow. My ex took my daughter to work today and I was going to bring my son (14) with me. We told him he could earn some money helping, a basement renovation. I thought he would like to opportunity to earn some money, he's been asking for a job lately. This morning he said he didn't want to go, he wanted to stay home and work on his small motorcycle with a friend. We didn't want him to stay home unsupervised, his behavior hasn't been that great lately, for example, he started a fire in the campfire pit behind our house at 1:00 AM last Saturday night without permission and was burning bike parts. One of the neighbors must have called cause the cops showed up. My ex and I were both asleep at the time. (We live in the same house, seperate bedrooms, until it's sold.) Anyway I told him that I would like his company today, and could use the help. He said it's his day off and doesn't feel like working. I told him calmly that if he passes up chances to work, he should not expect me or his mother to pay for gas or parts for his motorcyles. My ex started yelling at him, how he can't be trusted home alone, he's disrespectful, etc. Then the yelling and screaming started, he called her a f'ing bitch, she's never home for him, etc. I kept my mouth shut because I knew there was no sence getting mixed up in it. Then my son shoved her and she broke a plastic hangar on his back. She asked me to call the police because he hit her. I just said, 'if you want the police here, you call them.' A ceramic bunny (that I bought for my daughter last year) was the next victim, a door was slammed open against the wall a few times by my ex, and a fan was thrown off a shelf by my son. I'm just standing there watching, thinking, as I am getting better, my family is getting sicker. My ex finally asked me to say something. I said 'I'll speak with him, not AT him, when he calms down.' Their yelling and screaming continued. He finally calmed down and agreed to come with me. I told him to give his mom a hug and say he's sorry before we left.
What happened to the woman I married? I really saw today how sick she really is. This is the monster I helped feed with my alcoholism. I fed it and took care of it all those years and this is what it turned into. I feel horrible just thinking about it. This family needs so much healing and I'm convinced the divorce did nothing to help.
But I think I'm finally seeing what detachment with love is like. Looking at the resentment and anger and rage pouring out of my ex, I could see that that is not really her. That is the result of the disease that I helped grow in her. Same thing for my son's inappropriate behavior. I could actually watch this happen, stay calm and not get wrapped up in the insanity. I love my son and still love my ex, and could see through what was going on. I saw two very scared, angry people I love incertain about the future and acting out on that fear. Neither one of them has the coping skills to handle certain situations. I know I still need alot of work on my coping skills, but at least I have a start.
I really hate what my disease has done to my family.
Oh my what a day you had. I'm sorry you've been having so much trouble. I don't really know what to say. While I understand that your alcoholism definetly had an affect on them, I'm not convinced that it's all your fault. I'm wondering if your wife might have been sick long before you were drinking. When I read your posts, I always get the feeling that there is something more to her than we're not seeing. Does that make sense? Is your son's behavior a way of him crying out for help? Maybe he doesn't know how to ask.
I wish there was an easy way to heal the family for you. But we all know, that isn't possible. I wish I had the answers for all of you, but I don't. Know that we are here for you, and offer our unwavering support. Stay the course. You're learning a lot. You're teaching me a lot too. Wishing all the best.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I would like to invite you to take your son and go do something fun. Add some things to lighten up and cancel out the stressful stuff.
yes alcoholism ruins things. If we decide to change, I found it helps to look away from it sometimes and just lose yourself at a car show, or art museum, whatever you are into.
Mainly wanted to send ya an I care and a hug. love,debilyn
You are such a kind person. Yes your disease would have impacted hugely on your family but please don't feel you need to take the blame for everything. You are here for them now and getting healthy. Take one day at a time with your son. Some of this could be teenage stuff that he is trying to work through. I have two boys 17 and 20 and they are very closed in their communication with their A Dad and tend to bottle everything up. You are doing your best. Surrender to Hp and ask him to look after your son. Luv Leo xx
Thanks for sharing this with us. I can relate to what your wife is going through, I was, still am, a bit crazy from the disease. It is so great to hear and learn from the other side, how the A feels, and now I can relate to a lot of both sides. I know you have worked very hard on your recovery, and are showing a lot of progress.
Do your wife and son have a program like Alanon? Can you talk openly with them like you can with us? If not, maybe you could write notes to them? Praying for you and your family that you all may heal, and get through this together.
Maybe your son is affected from the divorce, and this is his reaction to something he can't understand and doesn't want to happen. When I was going through my divorce, my kids were affected by it very much and acted out a lot, got into drugs, alcohol pretty heavy too. I guess time is the healer, be patient.I believe HP will help you all get through this for each of your best interests. I wish we had had a program like Alanon to help us get through that awful part of our lives, but my ex wasn't a drinker, and I didn't know how much this could have helped us, even though our problems weren't alcohol-related.
I feel so blessed that my HP guided me to Alanon, it helps me in every aspect of my life! Praying for you and your family, TLC
