The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn't have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.To compensate for the other person's unavailability, we worked too hard. We may have done all or most of the work. This may mask the situation for a while, but we usually get tired. Then, when we stop doing all the work, we notice there is no relationship, or we're so tired we don't care.Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring. It is self-defeating and relationship defeating. It creates the illusion of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship. It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry.'
######ROSIE.....oh i wanted sooo bad to be loved....like "mr. goodbar" i looked for love in ALL the wrong places.....and i got hurt...over and over.....layer upon layer of hurt caused me to be even MORE bitter/ MORE pessimistic/ MORE unable to trust....over and over it went......i chose people as sick as i was....people who treated me badly or abandoned me......i did work hard at keeping relationships i should have dumped....wore my self OUT trying to *make them love me* when they could not......many times i did most or all of the work.......thank God with this program now, i do MY half, work MY side of the street, and i have boundaries now,...i have my *wants..don't wants* in a relationship....i have my standards.......when i quit doing the work with these non keepers, i had ZERO.....by then i was too worn out to care.......i was soo codependent , not knowing WHO i was, WHAT i wanted, HOW i felt about anything, caused me to *need* the other to validate me.......it only created MORE fear/ MORE low self esteem for me....it was a vicious cycle, that only God and this program had the power to break.......my needs were NOT met....my wants NEVER a part of the picture.......and yes, i felt victimized...and more bitter....more cynical...i didn't know any other way, until i got into recovery........ relationships to me?? now??? if they don't meet me half way??? its "hasta la bye bye"....oh sure, there are times, when 1 may be a bit more needy for a temporary period, sure, but i am talking about the WHOLE picture......i look back on some of my relationships and can't believe i *actually lived that way*.......AND didn't choke them to death!!!!!! or me!!!!!!!
We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, and then let the relationship find it's own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are we doing all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy?Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, and the work?We can let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help the other person, the relationship, or ourselves by trying to force it or by doing all the work.Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.
####ROSIE......i do my part....i pull my side of the cart.....and i now, let the relationship go its natural course....if i know i *did my part* and it dies??? ok, it wasn't meant....simple as that.....people are in my life for a reason...or season....or a life time....i don't ?? it anymore becuz that is life!!!!!! i USED to do all the calling....USED to do all the initiating....USED to do all the giving....but NO MORE!!!!!! i am finding myself WAY less angry/ resentful as a result of my *recovery* me, versus the sick me........ i am not resentful now!!!! i can express my needs/ wants. and if someone repeatedly isn't there for me??? i let it go!!!!! if it is mean to be, it will be...yes, and i do that now...i do my part...let go let God for the rest......and yes, i do wait and see now....that way, doing it accordingly to the divine plan, ala program .....i can see if it is REALLY a keeper or just my forcing a *square peg into a round hole*.....that peg may sit in the hole for a while, but soon the incompatable shape causes it to *disloge* itself out.........so i just *let nature take its course* thank you DONE
Today, I will stop doing all the work in my relationships. I will give myself and the other person the gift of requiring both people to participate. I will accept the natural level my relationships reach when I do my share and allow the other person to choose what his or her share will be. I can trust my relationships to reach their own level. I do not have to do all the work; I need only do my share.
Rosie, I'm right there, just working on loving me, my light burns brightly more each day. If someone deserving comes my way, I shall take my time as nothing worth having need be rushed & I can get my own fulfillment right where I am within my own Soul-Body-Mind.
The more I elevate my heat to God, the more I am able to see & appreciate. My love of self is no longer a glint but it's turning into a flicker of a flame. The more love I have, the more love I have.
Love is light is god is a free gift beyond our understanding. -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
