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Funny thing, I realized my own progress lastnight and today.
I have been having a situation with my boyfriend. He works away 21 days then is home for 7. We do not live together and have only been in a relationship for 10ms. When I met him I was scard to death of dogs. I was attacked as a young child and had my face biten, resulting in 75 stitches and a lifetime scar. When we started dating I let my wall down and thank god it was a golden retriver and not a pit bull. Just my own fears honestly. I know most dogs are good and safe. Anyways, My BF used to share the dog with his Ex. kinda like how I share my kids with their dad, it would go every other weekend. Then she moved far away and they agreed my BF would keep the dog....
Guess who has the dog now full time! yup me....it just kinda happened back in August. He asked me if I was willing to house the dog while he worked away at camp. I said sure, not knowing how much work a big dog can be. He got "hotspots" and I had to take him to the vet and dealt with that. Then he needed his shots updated, again I did that. Now he has just had an ear infection in both ears. Again I took care of him.
Where am I going with this you ask?....well Besides the fact that the dog has now decided to use my livingroom "leather" couch as his new bed, this just pisses me right off... I am starting to resent having the dog. constant clean up with hair, feeding him, not to mention holding my breath and picking up the p**p. uggggg.
This weekend I am going on a retreat for me. It is a self healing program that is very intense. I have taken care of all 3 of my kids and thought I had it all good to go, arranged my work days and everything. Then on sunday my BF called and so I told him of my plans this weekend, he said what about the dog, I was like oh sh*t. I forgot about the dog. He was pissed off at me. conversations ended quickly and I said I would ask around and maybe look at a kennel or something. In the past the dog has gone to his Ex's parents but they live 2 hour drive from me. I have in past driven him their and picked him up. This time I do not have time to drive the dog to them and honestly I dont want to call and ask them or make the trip. This weekend is about me and my healing not the f***ing dog.
So I scouted out some doggy daycare and over night places. they look good. I book him in and all is good (so I think). after it is all said and done my brother who lives on 5acrs (a farm) said he would take the dog. I was pleased cause I totally trust my brother.
My BF called me lastnight, I tell him all that I have arranged and he is not happy with my brother, afraid the dog might run if not watched oh the dog apparantly is not an outside dog. He is 120lbs he should be in my eyes. anyways I say ok and ask him if he would agree to the kennel then. After him getting pissed off with me, he just hangs up on me.
I was like, what just happened????? Under normal circumstances, I would call right back, but where he is there is no in coming calls. I thought about emailing him a nasty note, but instead, I let it go. I wrote in my god book, and asked god to take over.
I was so happy with my own progress. I have made a choice to care for the dog to my best ability and made a choice that I am comfortable with and am willing to live with.
outcome....after 2hours past, I just relaxed and had a bath, he called me back to say sorry, that he did trust me and such....I was very casual on the phone with him, normally I would cry and beg for him to do anything cause I tend to be insecure. Not this time!! I was strong, and stood my ground.
Dog is going to the Kennel and I am going to learn more about me.
thx for reading my long story always feels good to let it out.
Sunny1, I think BF is asking more of you than he should. A 120lb retriever is a handful for anyone, especially one who is not really fond of dogs. YIKES! I am a true animal lover. Love everything that has even the remotest indication of fur...but I would probably have to consider very carefully the positives and negatives before taking on this task. Your caring for and seeing to the dog's health tells me you are compassionate, and wish the dog no harm. I think you have gone above and beyond. Bluntly put, if BF cannot properly care for his pet, he has no business having one. The dog should be placed in a loving home where he can have at least one "parent" around most of the time.
Sunny1 I see this as a control issue. Especially in view of the fact that he has become angry at your obvious attempts to make the dog comfy. Now about the leather couch thing...Tell the dog in no uncertain terms, "NO!" Shove him off if you must. Dogs soon learn boundaries if you are consistent. When you cannot be at home, house the dog in the kitchen or other room where he has no access to the things that are off limits. Many dog owners put their dogs in crates while they are out. You know, a roomy, airy wire kennel. With a comfortable blankie and a few toys and maybe a radio playing, they get used to it quite quickly and actually do not mind their crate time, knowing they will have the family a little later.
Perhaps it is time to tell BF that he will have to make other arrangements for Rover. If he decides then to make other arrangements about your relationship, what have you really lost????
I wish you good luck with this problem. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thank you Diva, I needed to hear that!! I too have come to the conclusion that BF is having issues. He is also a recovery A, has almost 16yrs, but has the same traits as my active ex a. When I agreed to keep the dog, I honestly did not know the work involved. I really had only had the dog around with my BF. Just when the dog gets used to me and my rules, poof the "Parent" comes home....he does not live with me but stays here most of teh time he is on his days off. It is like having a 4th child, my kids are a handful they are 3,5 and 9. Plus I work fulltime. Im not too sure how to handle my BF, he did actually say to me on the phone the othernight, in a rather nasty tone, "if I cant handle the dog, maybe he should give him away!" I went silent and started to cry, I said "it sounds as if you are breaking up with me?" cause I was complaining about the dog, just told him that we were at the vets again for the ear thing and now he is on meds and drops 2times a day. Plus my neighbor came over and said, your dog P**ps in my yard, I was so embarassed. I just told him that is his choice, Im doing the best I can. Then with last nights situation........
Thanks for the encouragement..... I still feel guilty about the dog being home all day long alone, and so starting next week he will go to doggy daycare, BF thinks that I might take advantage of it but you know what. Im thinking of the F***ing dog not him!!
WOW! I think that is a lot to ask of a person. I am a dog lover, (I am living in a place where I can not have one and am so deppresed over it and as soon as we are ready to move I am getting me one) but I am not a cat person, and I can undertand the feelings you stated. I know a cat is not exactly the same as a 120 pound dog, but I really don't like cats :biggirn:
If he trusts you to care for the dog, then he should trust your judgement on who should "puppy sit". If not then why leave the dog with you?
Have you spoke to him of these feelings?
You can always come here to vent, and I hope you have a blast at your weekend retreat.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
If I were in your situation, my sponsor would most likely first say to me "THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE DOG."
Al-Anon teaches me to look at my part in my own resentments. While you are on your retreat and have some time to devote to yourself, since you are feeling resentful about the dog living with you, you may want to rethink voluntarily agreeing to keep the dog in your house or look at what your motives were in agreeing to let him stay with you to begin with.
If having him in your home is not what you expected when you said he could stay with you, all you have the power to change in that is your expectations, your mind about letting the dog live with you, your approach toward your boyfriend about this subject... but like an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic, a 120 pound dog is always going to be a 120 pound dog regardless of what you wish, what you do or do not do. One think I know for sure is that it is not within the dog's control where he lives, whether he acts like a dog, or has the problems of a dog. He is a dog. What you are describing are people issues, and ones that Al-Anon can help resolve if you keep coming back.
Enjoy your retreat-- I hope it refreshes you, and congratulations for your growth, for your new responses to situations and to overcoming an old fear!
Obviously you are feeling some resentment (don't blame you - I love dogs, but would not take on a Golden without thinking about it very carefully) and so need to deal with that oh so hard issue - saying no. If you allow yourself to be taken advantage of, you cannot then blame people for doing so. To me, this is one of the hardest things, but it must be done, in order to look after ourselves as well as we look after everybody else.
By the way, who's paying for all this kenneling and doggy daycare? It's not cheap.
Hello all,
Aron