The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So the A. asks me if we can "talk". Something he hardly ever does. We go into a closed room and he asks me "You're planning on leaving, right?"
My response...."One of us will be leaving".
He's not happy (which I didn't expect him to be). He tells me how now is the time that he needs his family being that he is going into rehab. Tells me how he is afraid that he will get out of rehab and find out that he is getting a divorce.
I told him I need a break. I can't keep doing this. His response was how everything is gonna change for the better now.
I asked him why, out of curiosity, for the past few years hasn't he gone to any AA meetings. Why hasn't he bothered to reach out to the numerous close friends that he once had. His answer "I got lazy...but rehab will MAKE me work at it." He went on to tell me (excuses) about how he got tired of the meetings around here. Same old, same old. And how it became inconvient for him to go.
I questioned his logic...."so if a few meetings a week were inconvient to you, how is outpatient treatment, 6-9:00, four nights a week for nine weeks, still living so far out in the country NOT going to be incovient to you?" His answer..."I have to do it."
I reminded him that on Saturday night he told me that he knows the only reason I will stay with him is if he gets back into "that AA shit w/all those idiots" and explained that after hearing that how I am not doing cartwheels that he has now decided to get help. I can't be by his side when he is going thru rehab or the early stages of recovery. His solution..."we can live in the same house and you can ignore me all you want." Nice healthy situation, eh?
Since I had him in a mood where he seemed to be communicating I spoke my feelings about how he doesn't ever apologize to the kids or tried to talk to them about what they see. He told me "I am not to apologize for any actions I do when I am drunk. If I do that, I am skipping a bunch of steps."
I totally understand the whole ammend process, but when they are 13 and 15 and are subject to unacceptable behavior, I totally believe that an apology at times is in order. I called it bullxxxx. Just another excuse.
He excused himself to go downstairs to get some cigarettes and I heard him talking to the two oldest. From what they told me, he apologized for not getting help sooner, that he is sick, can't do it on his own and that he will be going to get help this month. But...sigh...then he says "Mom wants me to move out, but I don't want to", and left them w/that thought.
I'm upset about that. I figured that we would sit down as a family and discuss the recovery process. How we are all going to get help and what steps we are going to take to do this. Instead, he takes it on himself to inform the kids of the disagreement that him and I are having. They do not need to be involved w/that at all!
I know he is sick. I know that he is doing what an alcoholic does. He is grasping at straws right now. He's afraid of being alone, of losing his family.
I also know that I am sick. I'm tired. Emotionally exhausted. My guard is up. We need to be apart to work on ourselves w/out the interference of trying to figure "us" out.
Right now he is in the "honeymoon" phase. He xxxx'ed up (sorry for the language). He's trying whatever he can to get in my good graces, or what it seems. I do believe he is truely sorry for Saturday night. He told me he is angry at himself for letting this get so far.
He also told me that he isn't happy w/my choices of friends. I told him that is fine, I don't expect him to like my friends. One of the people visiting from out of town (is a friend of a friend that I met) has the nickname of "beer bob". Nice fellow. Social drinker and yes, he overindulged that night. My A. felt the need to let me know who was drinking on Saturday. The only response I could give him is that "yes, some where drinking, but none acted like an ass" like he did that night.
I just pray everyday for the strength to keep my boundaries up. If there is any chance of recovery for our family, I need to stick to my convictions and let His will be done.
-- Edited by sg at 09:20, 2005-11-09
-- Edited by canadianguy on Friday 20th of March 2009 11:28:27 AM
You are being honest with him and yourself, I can only imagine how you are feeling. I dont know how you do it but are you able to detach from him? Being able to let go of the anger and move forward. He is concerned about loosing his family and you but once he has finished his rehab who knows what will be, in the mean time, you need to take care of you and the kids. You will survive, you know how to work your program and now is the time you lean on your sponsor and Alanon friends here. I think of you everyday, I pray for you and your beautiful children. I know that it seems like a crazy cicle right now, but it will get better over time.
I read your post and it was a mirror image of my situation. Everything from
"that AA shit w/all those idiots" My husband hated to go cause he was not as bad as everyone else and that he knew better than and was better than all of them
but rehab will MAKE me work at it." My husband went away for 12 weeks in rehab just to appease his family, his boss, and did really good in recovery (for 2 weeks after)
He also told me that he isn't happy w/my choices of friends.. My revelation regarding this happened on the weekend. He was harping at me about my friends and how they werent good for me and were losers. I kind of laughed and said that for the last 12 years that about 90% of his so called friends (drinking / drugging buddies) were of course 100% better than my friends who care about me and my well being. Makes sense
I asked my husband to leave the house too in July. He finally left in September. Fed up with it all as you are. I knew that for him to stay in the same house like your husband said ..."we can live in the same house and you can ignore me all you want." Nice healthy situation, eh? That is what my husband said too exactly!!
I have given both of us the push needed to take care of ourselves. In my case, I am doing so through MIP and alanon. For him....that is up to him.
my a too wants to live in the same house and just ignore eachother. i think its his sick way of trying to hold on to me and make sure im not with anyone else
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
I'm afraid, before he finally DOES get himself into rehab and sober, this is simply a fruitless exercise of trying to make "sense out of nonsense".... His word are those of a sick, alcoholic person..... And yet they are soooo convinced, and convincing, that "their" side is the truth....
The only truth, as you have stated, is that he is an alcoholic, desperate in need of help.... He can't expect you to commit to the future, when he can't even commit to the present.... I think his actions are typical, but unhealthy, of people finally starting to understand the impact of all they have done.... His words, are like he gets "some of it", but still doesn't have a clue about the big picture.... Anyone who says that he can't apologize to his kids for unacceptable behavior, cuz he would "miss a bunch of the steps", is simply NOT getting it....
You sound strong, and firm in where you are - and I applaud you for that.... He's desperately trying to "hook you" into his recovery, but you sound like you are keeping it where it belongs.... with HIM.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
