Barbara,

For me I know who my "A" is. He has had times of sobriety while working a program. So I know who is him and who isn't.

What has really helped me is to see him as two people. One is the man I love, the beautiful, loving man who stole me heart.

Second I see the man the alcoholic, the man who is hurting, the man who hates himself, the man that can so easily take control of my husband. He is mean and nasty. But have you heard the saying, "Hurt people, hurt people?" My "A" is hurting, and even though it isn't easy he takes it out on me.

Seeing him as these two different men and knowing that the nasty side is do to his disease has helped me to love him and not take to heart the cruel things he says.

Now---- I AM NOT EXCUSING his actions at all. He still has the responsibility of  what he does, no matter who is in control. But I don't have to make him feel any worse than he makes himself feel.

I am not sure if this helped you, but I just had to say it.

Much Love,

I'm new to this program but I think I can take a try at my answer to this; as I have wondered the same thing.

I believe that my part in recovery is to take care of myself and know that my husband is an alcoholic, but instead of judging him for that, or for being a jerk, or acting insensitive, my part is to step back and respond in a way that protects me, and let's me move on, and not be dragged down by negative behavior.

So, if my A is acting like an alcoholic or a jerk, it's not important for me to judge which is which, but to live in the now, and not enable him to get me down.

Easier said than done, but when I do choose not to become angry or critical of my A I notice that he moves through his own pain a lot quicker, and we both get through things together; without me being too analytical about his faults.

I mean we all act like jerks sometimes, so there really is no difference between his alcoholism and being a jerk; it's all part of being a complicated human being I guess.

Hope this helps. I do know what you mean.

Eileen

This is why we in al anon say "I believe this person has a problem with alchol" vs "I believe s/he is an alcholic."

Because I cannot say what is "normal" behavior in an individual--heck, even psychiatrists aren't considered a safe standard for this anymore--my job is to watch my actions/reactions/behavior with others and carry the message. My job is to be loving toward myself that I may be loving toward others.

Think of it this way--does your dog know it's a dog? Probably. But does it say it out loud that it's a dog? Well, no. But it's not your job to tell it to its face, "By the way, your a dog." The point is moot. The point is, he's your dog and you love him. You treat him with love.

Barbara,

Whether the behavior you are seeing is alcoholic or not alcoholic doesn't really matter. How are you responding to it? That is all you can control... If the behavior is unacceptable, whether it is alcholic-, man-, or jerk-based, it is up to you to set your boundaries of what you will accept, keeping the focus on you, your HP, and changing the things you can, and letting the rest go for God to take care of.

Here is something I heard in the program that I originally applied to myself when I was working step 4, but which might help you here:

We are not the things we do.

I was so hard on myself for bad choices I had made, hurtful or thoughtless actions I had taken toward others, and the many other manifestations of my pre-Al-Anon sick behavior that I really struggled with taking my first inventory because I thought that the list I was making just confirmed what a horrible person I was. I could not mentally separate myself from my mistakes and bad behavior, and judged myself as if I was a bad person, instead of considering myself a sick and uninformed person who made unfortunate, ignorant, mistaken, or pain-driven desperate choices, who was doing the best I could at that time.

Learning to forgive myself for my mistakes, bad decisions and failures etc. was a tremendous boost to my deflated self esteem. Then when I grew in the program a little, and could apply the "We are not the things we do" philosophy outward as well as inward, I found myself more compassionate and forgiving toward the other human beings in my life who sometimes behave in just that way-- like humans-- humans who sometimes fail to meet my high expectations as well as their own. Just like I used to do before I had this program to direct me...

Hope this makes sense...

Emmie

 

 

Hi Barbara , ya know I finally figured out that if it isn't true  I simply don't deal with it. just talk and if it is true  then it's up to me to change it or make it right .   keep it simple  barbara . it's much easier that way. I got so sick trying to figure them  our  it took years to get the focus back on me.     Louise