The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had the weekend from hell. My A. relapsed on Saturday and after some absolutely unacceptable behavior Saturday night has decided to check himself in rehab again. He made his appointment for an assessment for the 22 of this month and then wants to start an outpatient program.
After this weekend I am so numb. I feel like the final string has been cut. I am no longer interested in good intentions, words or promises.
Today I told him that I can not live w/him during rehab or during the initial stages of recovery. I have to take care of myself and the three kids. I don't want to leave the house and uproot the three kids, lose my home based business and not to mention move all the animals. It would be a lot easier for him to find a place. He looks at me and says "where in the hell am I to go?"
Right now he has no idea the damage that has been done in this family. I know that he is on the right track to take care of himself and get the help needed, but I also have needs. I expressed to him that I need a "break". The kids need a "break". He doesn't seem to be understanding what I am saying.
So what in the world do I do? How do I handle this? I don't want to argue or fight anymore, I don't have it in me. I literally have given up...surrendered. I know what I need and I am trying to express it but he seems to be ignoring it.
Oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you and your family, I want to run over to the house and hold you so tight. I know that once you surrender to your HP it will fall into place. May not seem that way right now but with time. Keep coming here and posting, you know as well as I do that the support here is worth hearing. Remember you have wings my friend and they will help you fly away from the crazyness. I miss your spirit and think and pray for you daily. I will continue to do so. Much love.
No! They have no idea the damage they have done. Maybe for one second in their sober mind they might sit and think about things but I truly believe that they want things different but don't know how. Just follow your heart. That's what I do. Follow your heart ok?
Isn't it amazing, their intial reaction is always "me". They don't know the damage they do while they are active. It is great that he is going back in, but you are right. You have to take care of you and the kids, however you feel that may be.
I know the feeling of being too tired to fight, and not wanting to hear any more promises. Do what you have to do, and hopefully once in recovery he will see that you did what was best for everyone.
Sorry you are going through this (((((((((((((sq))))))))))))) you are right you have needs and you have the right to have them meet.... You are right you need to take care of you and your recovery and get healthy for your children and yourself.... You are doing a good job.. Way to work your program for you !!!
Is there a program in which he can go to a halfway house? My A went to the YMCA when he relapsed and got out of detox. The stress on us was too much. His councelor can get him into a more supervised program and there might be financial help available as well. He decided that after he crashed the car he wanted more supervsion and went into a halfway house. He is now in his first week of assisted living. It's still part of the halfway house system, but with a little more freedom. They come over and randomly test, they still must attend meetings, but they are learning to live on their own and be responsible again. Talk to his doctor or councelor. There should be programs available to help you. Hope it gets better for you.
Be good to yourself and the kids.
Live strong, Karilynn
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thank you soooooooo much everyone. Saturday was awful. Sad thing is my two boys were subject to hearing him (along w/a friend of my 13 yr old that was spending the night). His behavior was in front of ~20 people at a bonfire/family bbq. I had never expected to be treated the way I was and to hear such crude things come out of his mouth in anger. This disease does progres...I have seen it.
He just seems to thing that he is gonna go to rehab and all will be fine. I don't feel the same inside anymore. My heart says go...take some time apart. When he is gone at work I feel like a huge load is off my shoulders. I smile and laugh and enjoy my day. The minute he walks in that door at night the whole mood of the house shifts.
I honestly didn't think he was gonna fight living apart. When I told him on the phone this morning he seemed to accept it. He came home and told me "once I go thru treatment there won't be any dry drunk".
Whatever.
I honestly can say that I have done all I can do for four years. I have included him, excluded him. He has refused to have anyting to do w/the AA and our friends in the Program. He has refused to have anything to do w/friends outside of the Program unless it meant he was drinking. We dont' communicate at all. We aren't intimate and we pretty much lead seperate lives.
I need a break. I need a breather. I want fresh air. I feel like I am suffocating.
Saturday night he yelled at me saying "I know the only way you are gonna stay with me is if I get back into that AA shit w/all those idots..." then proceeded to call me the "queen of alanon". And now he thinks I should be doing cartwheels because he has decided to get an assessment and enter outpatient rehab?????
I feel like I am gonna break soon. On top of all this stress I found out the my dearest grandmother has inoperable cancer. She has a baseball size tumor on her left lung near her heart. She isn't expectedtto live but a few months. She called on Saturday to let me know and I just broke down.
I know my HP is there. I know that He will help me thru this. Ever just been on your knees begging for help? That's where I am.
Hi SQ - he isn't ignoring it he simply dosent believe u mean it. How manytimes have we told them to leave only to change our minds if you can stand firm he will soon get the message. Most A's truly believe that because they are making an effort we should be okay , they have no idea of how thier drinking has affected us ,they simply don't get it but the good news is Al-Anons do. so there is always someone to talk to when in trouble.
You have set the boundary now pray for the strength to keep it. Louise
Oh Christy, I wish I had the magic words or dust to sprinkle to make it all go away. I wish there was something I could say that would comfort you. I do want you to know that you and your dear children are in my prayers tonight. Sometimes I wonder, "Why us?" It all seems so unfair. Perhaps this sounds terribly selfish, but I never wonder, "Why them?" Hmmmmmm.....
Take care of yourself. Things WILL get better.
With sincere caring, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Hi Christy I am exactly where you are right now. Tired and worn out from trying. I am numb at the moment not knowing which way to go. I am not rushing anything either. I have been in this marriage 20 years but I told my A on Saturday that I was more lonely in this marriage than if I lived alone. I know that I don't want his abuse with alcohol now to affect my later life. I have seen it with relatives in my family where the A has destroyed their body so much that by the time they get to old age and retirement that should be enjoyable the wife is nothing but a nursemaid. I told my A I had no intention of pushing him around in his gopher. I can't tell you which way to go that is up to you. For now take one day at a time and look after you. I will pray that your Grandmother does not suffer too much. Luv Leo xx
