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Hi boarders- This morning I had an interesting talk with my A husband-- and noticed some changes in me that I wanted to discuss. He stayed home sick about 2 1/2 days last week. I knew he really didn't have anything physically wrong with him. I was concerned that he was using (there is a pattern with him--he gets sick of work, uses more, stays home, feels bad cuz he stayed home, uses more, etc) Today he admitted that he just has a bad attitude about his job right now and that last week was a byproduct of it. He denied using (except for taking a sleeping pill midday!) and was all sad and apologetic. So-- Here's my revelation. I don't really care. I used to feel so needed when he admitted his weaknesses and fears--now I just feel pity for him. I just can't invest in his selfloathing. Its not my job to boost his ego--because he deserves to feel bad! He is being unreliable to his employer and he has taken on the breadwinner role and he needs to live up to it. I just feel like shaking him and saying "grow up, dude!" While I feel this is growth for me in some ways, I don't like the "I don't care" part. I don't detach with love well. If I practice live and let live-- I don't alway know how to express love. Does this make sense? thanks- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
It makes perfect sense. Detatching with love is hard. We gat so fed up. The concept of alcoholism as a disease is a complicated one.
Have empathy for them, but don't try and make their lives easier. In all other diseases we try to do what we can to help the person. With alcoholism, if we help them, we are aiding the disease in destroying them.
Your husbands work eithic sounds a lot like my husbands. They take off, feel bad so take off more. In the process use more, so take off more. My husband has used the excuse, things are not going well on the job, to justify his drinking and taking off from work so often. He is never willing to accept that things are not going well on the job because of his drinking and taking off. When his last boss warned him about drinking on the job, he got an attitude and began drinking even more. When he was fired because of it, he ranted and raved about his boss being a power hungry jerk. Never mind that the man could have fired him the first dozen times or so, and instead gave him warnings.
My husband has always seemed to believe that he was doing them a favor by coming to work.
Makes sense to me!! Detaching with love is one of our biggest challenges.... I used to make my "line in the sand" that I would still, indeed, care about the A, but stopped taking on their crap.... So to your post - I think it is fine to "care" whether or not he is healthy, but to draw the line when you are obsessing, and taking on "his health" (or lack thereof) as your responsibility....
Like most things, I think it is a matter of degree...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
