The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I first heard about boundaries I completely misused them. A few examples of some of my first attempts at boundaries went along the lines of:
I will not tolerate your drug use whatsoever anymore. If you use you will go immediatly into rehab.
You will attend NA meetings every night.
You will not stay out all night ever again.
You will not call me names or insult me.
These of course were all directed at my A. In my sick mind I did not see my boundaries as trying to control him, the program suggested that boundaries were good and that I could and should make them, and I did! So.........why weren't they working? Why wasn't he listening to me?? Why was he still using when I made my boundaries crystal clear to him???
Well the problem was that I completely misunderstood the concept of boundaries and how to use them. I thought this idea of boundaries gave me cart blanche to make rules for my husband. That's far from what they are really for.
See, boundaries are for us. We decide what robs us of our serenity and peace of mind. We decide how we can remove those situations from our lives. A boundary must always have a consequence that we are prepared to carry out, otherwise it's not really a boundary. Actually, we don't even have to share our boundaries with our A's if we don't want to. It's not about them, it's about us. I've found anytime I've shared one with my A he would intentionally try to cross it and it would become a power struggle. So I just stopped sharing them with him. He didn't need to know my boundary for it to in fact be a boundary.
Ok, so now that I've talked about what isn't a boundary, let me talk about what is. When my A was actively using, I didn't want him driving my car. He had already totaled one of my cars and every time he had mine I would be a nervous wreck until he got home. Plus when he'd pull a disappearing act with my car, I would have to do without it and be inconvienced until he got home. He has two trucks, so there was no need to take my van which is the only vehicle I can take all my kids out in. So I made a boundary that he wasn't allowed to use my van at all for any reason. It took me a while to perfect this boundary. We went back and forth about it and sometimes I'd give in just to shut him up. Finally I started sticking to my guns and would never let him use it. Once I was consistent, he gave up and stopped asking. My consequence for this boundary was that if he did take my van without my permission I would report it stolen. I also didn't just leave the keys laying around. Thankfully I never had to put the consequence into action, but I honestly felt I could have if necessary.
Again when he was active it would upset me to even speak to him. Just hearing his voice I could tell when he was high and my stomach would drop. So I decided I wasn't going to speak to him when he was. If he called I wouldn't answer the phone. It beat listening to his lies as to why he was late or whatever story he had to tell. If he called before I knew he was using as soon as I heard it in his voice I'd say something to the effect of: *I don't wish to speak to you when your high so don't call back* Of course he would until he eventually saw I wasn't going to give in. My consequence for this boundary was that I wouldn't speak to him. It required nothing on his part, only my sticking to my position that while he was under the influence, I chose not to engage in any type of conversation with him. Period.
He has his own business and makes all the money. He would give me money for bills or whatever then keep asking me for some back. It was a constant battle. So I made a boundary that once he gave me money I would not give him any back. If he wanted to keep some for himself, take it out before giving what was left to me, or else go without. Again, he'd push and push and keep it up and up, UNTIL he saw I was consistant, then he gave up asking. The consequence for this one is obvious, he never got a dime back after handing money over to me.
These things didn't happen over night, trust me. They took months to really put into effect. The key is staying consistent and sticking to your boundary. Once you make it, don't go back on it. Otherwise they will never take you serious (sort of like a child) and you'll only end up frustrated.
The boundaries I've described above are pretty much little ones. Things that I do have control over and that I chose to make as a boundary for my own peace of mind or comfort. Of course there are more serious boundaries.......such as: If my A gets arrested for anything to do with his drug use I will not bail him out or even accept his collect calls. Sometimes we reach a point when we decide we simply cannot live with an active user. If you are ready to make a boundary around *if* they use again, then you must have a consequence and be prepared to carry it out. Such as......If you use again then I will leave you. Don't say it unless you are serious and intend to follow through. Otherwise it's nothing more than an empty threat. If you say: If you use again you will have to move out....well then you're putting the consequence in their hands, you're giving up your power to them. What if they refuse to move out, then what will you do? That's why it's best to put the actions of the consequence in our hands. That's the difference between a rule we set for them, and a healthy boundary for ourselves.
I'd love to hear some shares of how others have learned to make boundaries work for them.
Kathy
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
Funny you mention boundaries, I let down one of mine and it bit me in the ass last week. You drink you sleep in the garage. I was sick and too tired to get up to send him out and he peed the bed. Took days to dry out and get rid of odor!! We just spoke of it calmly now days later and told him I will be enforcing my boundary no matter how I feel, I will tolerate living with an adult toddler. He does not agree and I do not care. I have options!
Set realistic boundaries for yourself, to keep you safe and sound physically and mentally!!
josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
The boundaries my mom has implemented with her A, had slipped - this is part of how it became so obvious to us both that he was using. For the first 3 weeks, when she kicked him out to the pool house, he would have to call her anytime he wanted to walk a dog or get any food.
Then he started slipping in the house. As it is, "house rules" for family & friends is that everyone must call right before coming over. I am her daughter & respect that boundary - @ my condo, I'm the same way w/ my friends, just as it's common courtesy & u are nvr caught off guard (or stuck in the bathroom or wtvr! simple right).
My mother told her A he had to be dry & attend mtgs if he wanted to "stay in their relationship". Well neither one of us believe that but it is still speculation at this point.
This weekend my mother went away for 2 nights to visit a friend an hour or so away. Before hand (since the calling b4 entry boundary - was being violated) she changed the locks. I stayed here for the weekend & did not let him in for anything. I wouldn't even let him walk the schnauzers, I did it or had a friend (who does it pretty often, he loves them & we pay him for it).
New boundaries... who knows but there will be more. I think I have helped her in this regard too by simply reminding her that she can just say, "no" as that is simple & effective.
It is my impression that he is going to meetings occasionally, to learn more devious ways of manipulation. It hurts to see someone u love spinning out of control but we are (as a family) protecting our assets, will just have to see what happens, one day at a time. I love the idea of calling the police, when the A is drinking & driving, hopefully we will have this opportunity soon.
Wtvr it takes, as a family we would be responsible if he killed anyone driving - the boundaires have changed as of today as my mother heard from trusted friends that the A claims to "not stop partying or flying (girls) for one moment... this is who I am". With this new information (that he is unaware that she has nor who it is coming from) She has told him that she expects full disclosure of when & where he is, to see the bar bills, kinda like a "carte blanche" for him - little does he know... said the spider to the fly. Maybe a few dwi's & nights in jail will wake him up - maybe he will die a drunk - only HP knows what's in our hearts.
-K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Boy, I misused them to, and it ended NASTY! I said the same things as you: You will quit drinking or.... You will not smoke or buy pot or... You will not (fill in the blank) or.....
THrough some rough bumps and some pretty nasty tangles, I finally figured out that I TOO was using them as controlling mechanisms. I didn't understand that I was to make boundaries about ME, not about him.
Finally, although I am still learning, I have made the boundaries about me.
1. I do not want drinking when you are solely responsible for our children, or i will be foreced to find childcare for them. (he likes to be with the kids, and hates to be thought of as irresponsible. now he can wait until it is "safe" to drink. I don't have control over his drinking, but now he chooses not to drink when he is responsible for the children.
2. There will be no money for drugs and alcohol until the bills are paid. (Before it was no money for drugs and alcohol, but who am I to tell a grown man how he can spend his money? Now i make sure that the bills are paid, and don't make any excuses as to why he can't have money. By doing this, I give him what is left from his portion of the income, and he chooses to spend it how he wants. He has really cut back and it IS my birthday next week....*as i cross my fingers*)
3. I will not have intercourse if you have been drinking or using drugs. (I have had to learn to concede once in a while cause the guy has to win sometimes, but I still will not get intimate when he is under the influence)
4. You can not drive my car unless it is an emergency.
THis has created an environment where he has the freedom to either burn in his disease or not. Either way, Ihave conceded to the fact that no matter how many rules I make, I will not make him sober. Now I can make sure that I will not be hurt by his disease.
The most important thing about boundaries is to make them known to the alcoholic. How many boundaries have we made without letting the alcoholic know? And how many times have we been utterly dissappointed by the results?
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! for this post on boundaries. I'd been really struggling on what a boundary was or how to set it, but what really clicked was to set boundaries around things that 'robbed us of our peace of mind or serenity'. Eureka! I think asking myself, "Does this decision have the chance to rob me of serenity?" is a great way to protect and really care of myself. Too often, I don't set boundaries because I'm not even aware that there is a boundary to be set. Too often, I am too caught up in people pleasing, and run right over my own boundaries before I even realize it. Thinking more about how to keep, maintain, and protect my serenity is a great way to keep the focus on me!
Thank you, this is incredibly helpful. I see some great boundaries in here that I need to adopt myself and figure out how to make them work. The question I have has to do with the "no insulting me or calling me names" as not being a good boundary because it's controlling him. That's been a biggie for me, as my A is very mean when he's drunk including in front of the kids. What would be the right way to set a boundary about this issue of saying hurtful things - I'd love some suggestions because I really need this to stop if I'm going to find some peace in my home. Thanks again,
My first boundary was also not to buy any type of alcohol for my A. (he still tries now and again when I am out running errands but I have not given in, it's been 13 months!)
I will not discuss anything at all if he is cussing at me or about the subject, (i.e. work, kids, neighbors)
I will not go to any in home parties where drinking is the main source of nutrition.
I will not talk on the phone when my A is yelling at me. I hang up the phone and will not answer it for at least 20 minutes. (I know that is the amount of time it takes him to calm down)
I will not give you "extra" money when you have spent all yours during the week.
We just spoke of it calmly now days later and told him I will be enforcing my boundary no matter how I feel, I will tolerate living with an adult toddler. He does not agree and I do not care. I have options!
