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Hi everyone please bear with me this will be a long post. I have set my first and most important boundary with my A. I started the conversation by saying I am not doing this to hurt you I just want you to listen and this is not a threat or an attack on you. I told him why I was seeing a counsellor to look after me, that I had a huge issue with trust and I didn't know if I was ever going to get it back How it affected me being intimate towards him and that I was setting a boundary for me not him that if he chose to drink again I would ask him to leave or I would leave as I could not take the drinking cycle anymore. He listened then spoke to me about his meeting with his counsellor, that he didn't think there were any unresolved issues that made him drink that he has in fact had a drink in the past 11 weeks but didn't like it. I told him I was joining al-anon that I had this support group as he thinks I spend too much time on the computer. I also told him the affect his drinking has had on his children who are now 20 and 17 the isolation that we have put around us because of the drinking. I was careful to say that I know it is the disease not you but you have no idea of how much it affected us. The times I have looked out the window and seen him coming into the driveway and totally shut myself off in another room with the TV on etc so I did not have to deal with his moods. I am sick of being the responsible one I am more lonely in this marriage than if I was alone that I was not going to tread on eggshells anymore. He said I am trying my best I can't give you any promises I feel you are threatening me with ultimatums and feel pressured. He said I cannot say that in 10 years I will be okay I might want to drink again. I replied I am not expecting you to do that I know about the 3 c's but this boundary is for me not you and because it directly impacts on you. He said well while we are making up rules I might make a few of my own like how much time you spend on the computer. I said this is not about rules for each other you cannot control me as I cannot control you. If you want to set boundaries set them for yourself not me. I also started crying and told him I had so much anger and resentment inside me that I was trying to deal with and if I didn't deal with it the sore would continue to fester. Lots of other things people coming up to me in the small town we live in here and how I pretended not to let it bother me but deep down it did. Anyway cut to the chase. There were times in the conversation where we were both defensive and a little angry. He had arranged to go out with friends to a sporting practice and told me he loved me was it alright if he went I told him he didn't need to ask my permission he hasn't in 20 years no point starting now. I went upstairs crying he came looking for me before he left told me he loved me again what about take away for dinner and did I want to go with him to the track. I said no thanks prefer to stay here as I was still upset. So he has gone now told me he will be back in a few hours and I decided to write to you guys. So that's it I feel relieved because I have been putting off the conversation. Oh I also told him that I had learnt to surrender to a higher power and he would decide what happens in my life. That's it hope it was not too boring. Luv Leo xx
Way to go Leo..... the first boundary is always the hardest, and yes, he is most likely to try all sorts of manipulation to try and either "get you to give in", or get even, or whatever... Always remember to "say what you do and to do what you say", as he will undoubtedly 'test the waters' with this new boundary, and will be looking for signs of whether or not you will take any action....
Awesome start.... way to take care of you!
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Well done Leo , but please remember that ultimatums rarley work and they often back fire. You did well doing the say what u mean , mean what u say but don't say it mean. (hugs) Set your boundary just remember every action has a concequence if your willing and ready to live with that it's fine. You will be okay. keep the focus on yourself join your Al-Anon meetings and get well regardless of what he chooses to do . Louise
I applaud your efforts. The boundary you set was for you and so you set it for the right reason. It has nothing to do with love and everything to do with love. :) When I set boundaries for myself, I too was absolutely ready for the consequences and it sounds like you will be too. I can relate to the walking on cracked eggs -- no way to live the rest of your life.
Keep coming and keep posting,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Wow and good for you! Knowing what you will and will not accept is a big, no huge step. Doing things that help us sometimes include boundaries, this is a good thing. I think you approached it in a good way. I had a similar thing during Superbowl Sunday last year, I decided that I didn't want to hang out with a bunch of drunk people. My A and I had always watched the game together. He made other plans, I was sad when he left and he even tried to encourage me to go with him. I said, no thanks, I have to do what is right for me and even though I wish I were with you I can't be because of where your going. I was fine in about 30 minutes after he left and actually ended up enjoying my time alone. Hang in there, it seems things really do happen for a reason, and when we can express our needs and wants effectively it helps us more then we know.
