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He said if I promised to go to counseling after he went into rehab, he would go. Since I believe I could use counseling to deal with the pure hatred I have for his mother I agreed. He then said he was going in on November 1st and asked if he could please come trick or treating with the little guys. Again I agreed. It made the boys happy, and like a fool I was happy he was going in. He had me believing he had made all the arrangements.
Well the first came and went, but since it was not really my issue, I kept quiet. Then he said they didn't have a bed till last night, so he asked to come over and spend some time with the boys since he would be gone for 30 days. I agreed again and kept quiet. Before he left last night, I kissed him goodbye and wished him luck, I told him I would bring the boys to see him. He then looked sheepish and said okay I'm busted, I didn't call yet, but I will call first thing tomorrow. He said his Mother is giving him a hard time about going since he will not be home for Thanksgiving. I said if you don't go soon, you will not be out for Christmas, so you better decide. I said do what you want, not what she says, please for once. Then I asked him to leave.
I had a sinus headache this evening, so I was laying down, and my son came in and said Dad is on the phone, and said to wake you up to talk to him. He didn't seem drunk. He said he had called tonight but no one was there, so he couldn't do anything until Monday, but he did call. So could he come to the Football game with us tomorrow since he would be gone after that.
I couldn't hold my toungue any longer, I asked why did you call so late. He said his nephew had to come home because he was sick. I asked him what that had to do with him, I said he has parents. He then started oh here we go again, My Mother said you would get mad, she said you where going to say that my kids should be more important than my brothers kids. He said to get my priorities straight, that his nephew is older and his brother is blood so he should come first, he said his Mother told him.
Okay I flipped out, if he had been here, I probably would have hit him. He started calling me filthy names, saying that I was a bitch, nothing was ever enough. That I lived in a fantasy world, that I had it too easy for too long and was a selfish ungrateful bitch and then got really filthy.
He then said he has a right to drink, that it is my job to support the kids and I should get off my high horse and get another job. He said if I cancel his insurance he will see me in jail. His Mother was screaming in the backround the whole time, calling me lazy and ungrateful, that I was trying to make her son an alcoholic.
He said, call a lawyer, we are done, that a judge will agree with him and his Mother. That a jodge will tell him he has a right to drink, can see his kids whenever the f^&K he wants and he doesn't have to pay a dime. I should grow up and support them.
Okay, he wasn't drunk. I tried to mind my own bussiness, but he kept manipulating, and so as not to rock the boat, I went along with it. I was a complete fool, stuipid, I let myself get played.
Well right now I don't care if it is a hoorrible disease, in fact if I had my way the horrible SOB and his Psychotic Mother would both die of a horrinble disease. I have no compassion in me. I can't detatch. To say I am full of hate and hurt is an understatement. Disease be damned! A selfish, drunken, lowlife deadbeat dad is still that no matter what you call him! I have worked my program, gone to meetings, gone to work, taken care of this house, and my children. I haven't taken anything from anyone, and that horrible woman had the gall to call me lazy. I took my little one to work with me in the rain lst week, I have gone to work sick this week. I have tried to detach, I have been compassionate, I have hoped and prayed and hoped and prayed, and for what? I have cried over his lliver disease and gone through pregnancies alone and I have still forgiven.
I don't have it in me anymore. Right now I want to harness this hate and anger and take the selfish bastard to court, let a judge make the sick, lowlife Momma's boy get a job and support his children. I want him to have to see them only supervised, better yet, not at all. I want him to not be able to pay his childsupport, and then have his sorry butt rott in jail!
I have never felt this angry or this I don't even know. I just wat to lash out. I don't know what I want. I can't stop shaking, and for what, he isn't worth it. I have given more than half my llife to this pathetic, cruel, sorry excuse for a human being. I don't understand why, and right now I don't even care. How sick and pathetic am I that I have lived with it. I don't even know who I am anymore. What is wrong with me>
I wish I could give you a hug. It sounds like he was wanting to spend time with you and the boys again and delaying the entry to re-hab by coming to the house. I have to say there are definitely three people in this marriage. You,A and his mother. It is going to be really hard to detach after all the hurtful things that have been said. Only you can decide what you do on that one. You should feel anger and then release it, as for teaching him a lesson with child support etc whilst his Mum is alive and kicking that will never be a problem. She will keep bailing him out financially. Please don't take this the wrong way but it sounds like your A needs to grow up. How old is he and he still runs home to his Mother? You are going to have to deal one on one with your A if it does ever get to court so in fact there is always going to be a relationship of some kind there. As for his mother don't feed off her negative energy she will totally drain you. Wipe her out of your life. If your children need to have visits with Grandma that can be organised between you and your A. Thinking of you. Go and have a good cry and let it all out. Luv Leo xx
My husband is 40 years old and the father of 6. I don't take it wrong at all, he does need to grow up. His Mother has been a thorn in my side since even before we where married. She made him pronise when he was 17 that he would never move out, get married, or have children. She pretneded to be me and cancelled the minister two days before our wedding. She was furiouse when I found someone else to do the ceremony.
She referred to our first son during my pregnancy as the unfortunate incident. She has critisized and put me down, called me lazy(I have always worked and kept a clean home), fat (I was a size 3 when I got married, am a size 8 now after 6 children). She says I am stupid, (I have a college degree) and unattractive(beauty is in the eyes of the beholder). She refers to me as being from the wrong side of the tracks, (My parents have money, though I will not take it as I was raised to take care of myself). The woman has a fourth grade education, is nasty and overbearing. She has never worked a day in her life and my Father in law does the cooking and cleaning in that house as she is a hypochondriac, and is always complaining about something.
She says Christmas is her Holiday. Told me I was arrogent when I said "How dumb of me I always thought it was Jesus's Birthday. She says Mother's Day is her Day, as I am not my husbands Mother. Again I was arrogent when I told her that Hallmark and all the other card companies must be messing up, since they make cards that say Happy Motehrs Day and not Happy (her name ) Day.
She never wanted him to marry in the first place, and the fact that I will not cower or bow at her feet annoys her even more. The things she has done to me over the years are horrible, and the things she has done to her son are worse, yet he defends her, puts her before me at every turn. As much as she condones his actions, he makes excuses for hers.
When he was in the Hospital, I hadn't gotten there yet. She helped sign him in. When I went to the nurse at the desk to get his room number and ask about his condition, I was told that the information couldn't be given to me. said I was his wife. The nurse said he didn't have a wife. I got very angry when she said his Mother was his next of kin and the person who his treatment was to be discussed with. He was not consciouse. I had her call his Dr who informed her that he was married, and I was his wife. She apologized and then I told her to please remove his mothers name from his chart and if she called to tell her any information could be obtained from me. Where there fireworks when she got that message! My husband just said she was upset and made a mistake, she probably had forgotten we where married. We had been married almost 10 years at that time.
I am not totally innocent in this. I can't stand her, and make no secret of it. I do not give her respect as I do not feel she deserves it. The woman insists I call her Mrs. or Mom instead of her first name. I will not call her Mom as I feel she is undeserving of that title and I told her I am Mrs as well, so if I cannot use her name, then she cannot use mine. (i have no hang ups on surnames, my childrens friends call me Jeannie, as do their teachers, it is the principle. I either call her nothing or use her first name to annoy her.
When she told me I would be sorry when she dies, I told her I would be singing "Ding, Dong the Witch is dead and dancing in the street." I also told her I had asked my sister when that time came to please follow me around with something sharp and keep sticking me to keep me from being a grinning idiot.
I know she is my husbands mother, but she has never shown me any respect or kindness, only contempt and cruelty. I have tried being polite and kind, but she has twisted it and used it against me, so I stopped bothering.
The part that hurts most is that he sticks up for her, always. He says she is his mother and that is the way it is supposed to be. I should not have to make him choose, especially since he always chooses her. I am not the one who had made it this way she is. I started out friendly, she made it known that she did not want me to marry her son. Not just me, no one.
I'm not excusing my behavior, just explaining it a little.
My husband is a forty year old man, who has always ut his parents first. They have him convinced that his real family is his parents, his siblngs and their children. The kids and I come after them. They have a very large life insurance policy on him, with them (his parents) as the beneficiaries and his nieces and nephews behind them. When I asked my husband why his nieces and nephews where behind his parents instead of his children, he said his Motehr owns the policy and that is how she wants it. Then his Motehr attacked me, saying I was trying to take money away from his brother's and sisters children. I said, no it is your policy, but he has children of his own, his neices and nephews have theri own parents. My parents do not have insurance on me, but if they did, my children would be the beneficiaries, not my sisters children, and vice versa for her.
I have played the game and put up with teh nonsence for too long. I blame myself for that, I was always afraid if I pushed back too hard I would lose my husband. That has already happened. I have been kidding myself.
Some Mothers don't cut the apron string, his has never cut the umbilical cord, and he has never made her. His parents give him a place to stay when he drinks, they condone his drinking, they buy him presents, give him spending money, pay to have his car serviced, and do anything else he asks. They make it possible for him to remain a perpetual teenager, and he knows no other way. They keep him from ever feeling the consequenses of his drinking, and at the same time, make it harder on the kids and I. Why should he fo to work, Mommy gives him whatever he wants, so what if the kids and I have to do without. They even bring meat over for him. There are 9 people in this house and they bring over a steak bit enough for just him.
I have been really rotten on that one, when they do it, I tell them if it isn't enough for everyone, then no person gets it. I then feed it to the dog. Like I said I am not totally innocent in this.
((((((((((Jeannie))))))))))) God Bless you and you deserve many blessings for eternity. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with you! You did what you felt was best for you and the kids. You made your decisions out of the knowledge you had and trusted. You did nothing wrong. I don't know if I agree that you haven't hit bottom but we do not give advice here. Only you and your HP know that. I am praying for you right now. You know that I have been in a similiar spot as you are with my daughter and I posted here how I totally gave up. YOU helped me then. I feel what is going on in the dynamics of this relationship would make anyone feel crazy and like they are going out of thier mind! There is more going on here than just alcoholism. It goes back to being powerless,,,,step one. Do what you need to for YOU Now and to be safe! This is your life and your peace and serenity! I am so proud of you for venting like you did here. Getting this out helps a person from getting ill in my opinion. You need to be healthy for your kids. You need to cry and get our your anger for YOU. Put your oxygen mask on first,,,,,,I feel that is what you are doing here now. Keep posting and getting this out. If you feel a need to use other words you can pm me here and I will not judge.
I am very very sorry you are going through this. NO one deserves to be treated this way! I am learning more about his myself. We deserve better and are doing the best we can at the moment! ((((((((jeannie))))))
YOU know my sick sense of humor. Did you mean earlier that you were talking about a horses (____!____) ? LOL Do what you can to heal now. Move on and keep on coming back. xoxoxox smoochies....cdb
hi Jeannie, i wanted to tell you I felt all the stuff you are. It may be part of the process of our letting go and letting god.
Maybe we have to go thru what you are going thru to be able to separate and or detach.
i remember that I was not around my A or talked to him for a long time. I had learned the truth about how connected we were not. But i also found I could live with out being that close.
So when we sorta came back together it was not hard to detach, my feelings had changed. I was able to see him as the sick person he was.
jeannie you have a right to your feelings. There is nothing wrong with not allowing his disease to lie and manipulate you anymore. There is nothing wrong with not allowoing him in your home.
What boundaries do you want? When his disease is saying horrible things what makes you listen? i tell ya when I stopped listening, it helped me so much.
Does your phone company support the star sixty thing where you can block him from calling?
If I were you, I would give myself a break from him. Maybe it is time to set up visitation where he can come to your house a specific time and day to see the kids.
You can be in your room reading or whatever. Then you guys don't have to have any communication.
Anyway what you are going thru is perfectly natural. Jeannie what anti stressors are you doing for you? Don't forget that child in you. I love Goodwill and finding treasures in junk shops. I also love to groom my animals.
Jeannie..... first of all, try being kinder to yourself.... you have compassion, and are hopeful for a better life, for you, for him, etc., so try easing up on yourself just a bit..... Sheesh, if all this crap were easy, then there wouldn't be the need for the millions of Al-Anon meetings, boards, groups, around the world...
His stuff is his stuff.... no big surprise when he didn't follow through on his promise to go to rehab.... It likely scares the pants off him, and rightly so - he may actually have to face his stuff if he gets in there!! I would guess that this is not the first time he has not been good to his word, and unfortunately, if he is active, it will not be his last...
He's likely playing off you & your mother, to fit his needs right now.... when he thinks he needs a wake-up call, he comes to you..... when he wants sympathy and a help with his pity party, he goes to her..... and back & forth the cycle goes...
Wish I could be the bearer of a more positive spin on this, but mostly I just wanted to encourage you to be kinder to you right now - you aren't a dummy.... you are simply human, AND humane..... Those two traits work in most everyday life situations - unfortunately they cause us a little extra pain when we are dealing with alcoholics....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Wow! Sometimes anger can move us and that's not a bad thing. I am glad you are here with all of us who understand. I say feel those feelings -- don't let your kids see it. Keep them safe from your hate and disgust. They will always love their Dad. But you go girl and let those feelings out.
I have found once I felt that anger and then of course cried (ha ha), it was a sign from HP that I needed to set a course and a plan in action. That I had let my reality of the dream that I wanted color the truth.
Don't ever let anyone define who you are -- lazy, fat, _ itch, etc. Deep down inside you know who you are. I used to say when someone was trying to put their crap onto me "so you say," it was kind of a nice, flip way to say ____________ (fill in the blank
Keep coming and keep posting,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
(((Jeannie))) Besides the fact that a size 8 woman who works multiple jobs, comes home to her six children at home with no father in time to mow the lawn by starlight, no matter your size or energy level it is always inappropriate for your husband to tell you his mommie thinks you're fat and lazy. How can you keep this tripe from hurting you? Have you checked into earplugs? Get the good kind at the drugstore that you can reshape - then let her see you wear them.
I think the veil has lifted from your eyes concerning your husband. Until now, you have all but said he's my deadbeat dad momma's boy. Now you're finding the rewards are his and the work is yours. Is that what you're saying? I find that with my own marriage - some days are more clear than others. Then I have felt the sea change too - something becomes so clear it is never obscured again.
Treasure your clarity, and give yourself permission and time to find what is right for you.
You have good tools and a steady demeanor. Why not consider letting your family of origin help you (in other ways if their money makes you uncomfortable).
Thanks for posting. It is helpful to me to hear from you. -- Jill
Sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this much stress.. You are a very strong woman and a great mom! Don't let this disease take the beauty out of you. You are loving and deserving to be treated well. Keep focused on yourself and your children.. Trust that your HP will get you through this... have a great day~and my prayers are with you ..
