Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Keeping Distance to Keep Sanity
Post Info TOPIC: Keeping Distance to Keep Sanity
Michelle814


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 818
Date:
Keeping Distance to Keep Sanity
Permalink  

Million dollar question: who has it worse.. the user or the used?

So my AH overdosed in a country fair parking lot.  He went into the bathroom to "go" but really he was buying pills. He came out and was completely out of it.. his lips were blue and he began convulsing.  I was in hysterics. A man helped me pull him from the car and a few other people came over to help.  911 told me to tell them every time he took a breath.  He kept a pulse the whole time but his breaths were sporadic. His eyes rolled back and he was unresponsive.  When the paramedics arrived he started to come to and had no idea what had just happened. He was probably out for about five minutes.  They said they think he came around quickly because we did as they said and laid him on his back to open his airway.

I figured out that it was a definitely from drugs (at first I thought maybe it was from his neck injury he endured on tuesday) because i checked his texts and he had texted some guy to buy some from him.  In the hospital room I just couldn't stay. Its the lying I could not face.  I did not want to become emotional and say things i regretted especially in front of all these strangers  My dad picked me up and I left him there with his Mom and sister. I told them they should leave him too but I guess I am just plain mean.  Apparently he agreed in that moment to go to rehab (its not the first time.) 

I am not proud of how i acted when I came back home. I kept telling him that I wish I could just leave him but I love him.  I think I hit MY rock bottom last night.  I said to him I wish he was abusive or a cheater so it would be easier for me to just hate him.  I said I wished I had never met him.  All of which I feel in times of despair but i do not mean because truly knowing him has brought me closer to my own sanity and closer to God.  Saying these things to him does not help and I am aware now.  But something good did happen in all my hysterics. I truly see now that I need faith.. that I need God to restore me to sanity and that I cannot do it without His help. I cried so hard, alone, on the floor of my living room, my AH still high and watching football as if nothing had happened.  I realized where I need to be and that is with God. I pictured myself stepping aside and just letting my AH stand there, with me out of the way, ready for God to take over for me.

Now the hard part is deciding what to do with myself.  I am moving out of our house because this town is lonely. I can move fifteen minutes north, be closer to work, and have friends and family within miles of me. I don't know what the future holds for my husband but I do know that I love him.  True love does not grow on trees but it also does not a healthy, happy life make. I think that perhaps that is the sign I've been asking from God all along to show me He exists... LOVE.  No other animal really feels it and I know that it is real for humans.  And the funny thing about love is that it can build you up and the very same feelings are what end up pulling you down.  Every culture, every country, every race, and all humanity people believe in it and feel it daily.  LOVE.

So where I am right now is that I love my husband but I do not love the alcoholism or the addiction. I will always love him, even if that means I have to keep distance to keep sanity.

sure am going to miss him though.



__________________

Michelle!

No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
rara avis


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 200
Date:
Permalink  

Hey Michelle,

That's a terrible situation. And it's never fun to lose one's cool but we're humans, not robots after all. A friend of mine, who years ago left her husband, said something about "loving them from afar." In my own experience I've been coming back to that statement a lot lately.

It's so heartbreaking but I'm proud of you for leaving the insanity and moving towards your own sanity. Love him from afar, but love yourself up close and personal.

hugs
rara avis

__________________
Pushka


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3870
Date:
Permalink  

Hugs Michelle,

Your question is no different than who has it easier the dumper or the dumpee. Both parties hurt and both parties need time to heal and recover.

I am so sorry you are in so much pain, be very gentle with yourself. You don't have to make any decisions this second, ... give yourself a little time to get to a place of better clarity. At least for me, making decisions in the split blink of an eye as a reaction to any given situation (I'm not saying you are, this is what I do), now I try and take time (even if it's 72 hours) get a better perspective (one of what's in my best interest is now where I try to come from) and let HP take care of the rest. It's not always easy to walk that walk especially when the pain and hopelessness feels so raw as well as great.

Whatever you choose to do you will be supported here on the boards. Be well and be very gentle with yourself. I don't know if you have a sponsor or an alanon list of people to call, if you do now is the time to use that tool.

In support and love,

Hugs P :)

__________________

Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
sookie


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 272
Date:
Permalink  

Wow. That sounds like a very scary situation. As said above, be gentle with yourself and give yourself time. Can you go to face to face meetings there? From my experience with my AH (who is now moved out)...he wasn't not even seeing he had a problem until he was really alone to deal with his own behavior and to see that yes, I was indeed fed up.

Best wishes for some peace for you!!!

__________________
Just for Today...
pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:
Permalink  

Having been on both sides of the fence with being an alcoholic and also being in a relationship with one....I would say that being with one is worse. My ex doesn't remember what it was like when I had to call the paramedics on him after he tried to off himself on my medications. He doesn't remember what it was like when he passed out and fractured his face on the corner of the bar and I thought he was dead while the paramedics came that time too. I remember though.

With my own drinking - Yes, I did terrible damage to myself. It was rough....but I did it cuz I wanted to. Nobody made me put that drink up to my lips. The worst part of it was a several month period where I knew I wanted to stop drinking and I still couldn't and was resistant to going to AA. I knew I was powerless over alcohol when I put it in me, but I always knew I had some power in my choices...I can choose to be active in AA. Today I can choose to abstain from drinking.

With someone else's addiction that is 100 percent pure powerlessness...and it's terrifying. I also loved my ex...it wasn't a healthy love though even if it was a true love. We had good times and we went through a lot together. I still love him (though in a totally different way). The separation did give me more sanity - but again- that is just my experience.

Mark

__________________
Tracy


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 987
Date:
Permalink  

Hi,

I am seperated from my ABf at the moment and love him with all my heart.  He is in AA focusing on himself at the moment.  We seperated after he went on a bender and broke the boundaries I had set I had to say what I mea and mean what I say.  He has bee gone for 2 months and back in AA.  we had our first proper conversation last night and agreed this disease was really affecting us both really badly.  We are going our seperate ways to concentrate on our recoveries.  We are handing the outcome over to Hp (trusting if we are meant to be togther we will.

I would be lying if I did not say I miss him, I have a good cry it is grieveing but they are still alive.  however on a more positive note.  i do have more peace, serenity, I am trying to build a good relationship with myself getting to know me and best of all I am focusing on my recovery not him.  I know other couples who have seperated to do there work and then got back together.  I am just doing what I need to do for me and leaving the rest up to hp

hugs tracy just my ESHxxx



__________________
Breakingfree


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3972
Date:
Permalink  

Wow, it sounds like a terrifying thing to go through for sure. I love my exAH and after 16 years how could I not. I again spent time with him this weekend and alcohol won out again. I am glad I have a safe house to come home to where I don't have to deal with his disease up close and personal anymore. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

__________________

Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

Of course you are going to miss him! You sound like you are saving your own life. Sadly love does not cure the A disease. Really has no affect at all.

Unless he asks for love from HP and seriously gets on program,nothing changes.

I am sure in time you will be ok. You sound good. I know you hurt. I didn't think my stomach would ever stop hurting!

Its been years since I saw my real husband who was in recovery, every once in awhile when I dream about him, I miss him soooo much. After YEARS of not speaking to him or seeing him!

I hope you come here for support. Also i hope you find a nice little home to make your own that helps you with your serenity. lots of love! Hey I invite you to read 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8. Just a nice thing about love.

debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
ythannah


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 419
Date:
Permalink  

I've read somewhere (probably on here, lol) that the user has it easier because at least he or she has the anesthesia of their substance... the pleasure of the "high".  Those of us who love them have to live through it stone cold sober.  Sometimes it seems like they get to abandon all their responsibilities while we carry the load in their absence.

Withdrawal looks pretty awful from the outside, though.

It sounds like you are doing what is best for you!



__________________
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
danni


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 401
Date:
Permalink  

What a scary and sad experience! I am really feeling for you and sending you lots of support. Please be gentle with yourself. One day at a time. hugs.

__________________
Michelle814


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 818
Date:
Permalink  

I am cleaning out my house of all my things. I am feeling completely lost and alone. I just constantly pray for God to be with me because i cannot do it without His help. If I have to start all over I just pray for the strength to keep my sanity.. or gain more sanity.. whichever the need may be. I am so utterly sad. Thank you all who posted. It helps to at least know that others have experienced what I am going through. or at least came close. I think I am traumatized to be honest. I need therapy twice a week rather than once I feel like.

__________________

Michelle!

No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Keeping Distance to Keep Sanity