The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like I have been on a vacation since I haven't been here on the boards for about two weeks. Sorta just been keeping to myself and trying to figure out what I am doing in life. I know going into myself and not sharing isn't good but I'm back. Still confused, but back none the less.
It will be two months this week that my husband the a and I have been apart. It is still difficult, I'm not going to lie but is has gotten a little bit better although not by much. I still miss him all of the time but I know I am doing what I have to do for myself to get better. I am going to counseling, going to my f2f al-anon and praying, praying, praying to my HP for strength every day. I am doing my program for me.
Last week he, my a, stopped by my house for a minute to ask a favor of me, I got really nasty with him, said some things I probably shouldn't have said and slammed the door on him. I know this was bad, but it was a reaction to anger about a prior issue that had been building up and I guess I just let it out. Sometimes I just get tired of feeling like I have to have sympathy for him because he drinks and is an alcoholic. But thats another whole post in itself.
I told him to leave me alone, not to bother me with anything anymore and I am tired of the can I's. Can I have my lawn mower, can I have my weed wacker, can I get my mail at the house, can you come over and see me so we can have sex!!! Can I can I can I. The list can go on and on. Well, he didn't call me or get in touch with me for nine days. Not because he listened to what I said, but I think just because he figured he would teach me a lesson and also figured I would call him first. A battle of the wills almost. Well guess what..I never called him, I wouldn't give in because it seemed like my words would have meant nothing to him had I called. For all I know, they may have meant nothing to him either way.
Well, last night he called me. We spoke for about an hour on the phone, very calmly on both parts. He did sound like he had a couple of beers but not drunk. He is a very stubborn man, will never speak to anyone about problems, feelings, etc so when he told me he was talking to his boss about things we had done together in the past, fun things we did as a couple, the things we used to do when he didn't drink for those six years, I was a bit surprised. He said he told his boss that he feels so guilty for not being here with me, for us not making it. For leaving the entire house, bills and everything else on my shoulders. His boss does not know he drinks at all so I guess to cover his butt and mostly to take the blame off of himself he said he felt guilty even though I am the one who threw him out. The blame of course was placed on me. Typical a logic. He said how much he missed me and loved me but knew that for us to be together right now wouldn't work. I more than agreed and said we would probably kill each other since we each have work to do for ourselves than maybe someday we can work together for us.
He said he's not feeling good mentally or physically. He hates being "where he is in his mind" and hates the way he feels. He is also having alot of physical pain in what he believes is the right kidney area, said it's been going on for a week or two and getting worse. Can't even sleep the pain gets so bad. None of the usual obvious symptoms of kidney infection, just deep inside pain as he put it. When I asked him if he planned on doing anything about his life (meaning his drinking but I didn't say that), he said he didn't have time, too tired after work to think about anything. Too busy at work to think about anything. I told him he needed to give up on the excuses because thats all they were. He said he really wants us to work out. I didn't lecture although I so wanted to, but his drinking, denial and life is his problem not mine.
This is the first time in such a long time that he has actually let out any type of feeling at all. He aparently has been doing alot of thinking and I guess what surprised me the most is that he actually spoke to someone like his boss about those feelings. They were also positive thoughts about us that he was having, not all of the negative ones like they have been. Progress maybe?? In the begining of this year long drinking binge he's now doing, the drinking would relieve his pain for him, or so he thought. It took him to a better place in his mind, I don't think it's taking him there anymore. I think that better place is now becoming a dark and lonely place. I know he has a long way to go since I still feel by his words and actions (still drinking) that he is not ready to fight the demons yet, I think his time may be getting a bit closer. Does any of this make any sense to anyone? Am I losing my mind?
Well, if anyone can please give me some insight about whats going on with this crazyness I would so very much appreciate it. I know you all have much experience and knowledge that you have shared with me in the past, please help me out again. I am very, very sorry this post is so long, next one will be shorter I promise. Thanks and love to all.
Well the interesting thing about alcoholism is that you will never figure out what his sudden burst of chatting up his boss means. thus the rollercoaster we talk about. Your doing all the right things for yourself with meetings and a councelor just keep on truckin. And yes there is always hope/ we have no idea where God intends us to go.
No doubt in my mind he m isses you and wants to try again he is just not ready to do what he has to do to get there. Only he has the answer to his dilema but he hasn't figured that out yet. Just for today you are ok.
I always forgot that my husb had a HP too and that he would take him where he needed to go. when I remembered that I felt much better about th ings. bye for now Louise
No, you are not crazy. Having an alcoholic in a person's life is too much for most of us to deal with. Just keep taking care of yourself~meetings, counseling, prayers. I think your husband is seeing some changes in you and how you relate to his drinking. You are making progress~Keep up the good work. It is good that your husband is reaching out to talk ~that is a plus. God bless you and hope everything works out.
All a part of the craziness and unpredictability of the disease, I am afraid.... the rollercoaster can only be, if there are both ups AND downs, lol...
Wherever possible, just remember to stick to the facts, as opposed to what you are wanting them to be.... Is he showing progress, or movement towards his recovery?? I sure hope so, but ya never really know until they get there.... Something is definitely moving around inside of him, but the disease part of him, in my experience, is still trying to figure out "what exactly is the minimum I need to do, in order to get my life back, AND continue to use"....
Cunning and baffling it definitely is.... sometimes our A's are good as gold, other times they are mean as we could ever imagine.... Bottom line, if they are still active, it ain't gonna be straightforward!!
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
thank you all for helping me to try and understand this unpredictable person that I love so much, dislike so much, and am at times totally confused by. As I said I know he still has a long way to go before he tries to get help, if he ever does try. I at least am on my way and trying to better myself for myself.
Canadianguy, when you stated:...
the disease part of him, in my experience, is still trying to figure out "what exactly is the minimum I need to do, in order to get my life back, AND continue to use"....
...you were so right and as usual I hadn't thought of it in that way.
If they where rotten all the time wouldn't our lives be easier? It is so hard when we see a glimmer of the person we love, and a small crack in the wall. Thats what makes it so confusing.
Sure they can see that their lives are a mess, but they still have the ability to blame us or someone else and try to get by.
My husband is a master at getting his foot in the door before I can totally shut it. He seems to know what he has to say and do to buy himself some time, to keep me from getting out of his life for good. The way I see it right now it is all stall tactics. It's like I will throw her a few crumbs, say a few of the right things and at least I know she won't go too far. I do believe he does mean the things he says, but as Canadian guy says, it is just enough to try and get their life back, without stopping using.
I know my husband can be all sweetness when he wants something, but if I don't accept what he is saying as gospel, he can turn on a dime.
The disease is so self protecting and self serving, and so cunning it is scarey.
All you can do is to keep the focus on you, like the saying goes, "they can't just talk the talk, they have to walk the walk."
Love Jeannie PS> As far as the question could there be hope after all? I believe that as long as their is a breath left in them, there is still hope.
