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Things have been going well. My A has been sober for almost 4 weeks. It has been really nice. We are doing things together and as a family, and it is fun. But yesterday I found myself very sad and depressed feeling. I don't understand why. I have been trying to work on my step 1. I have been trying to think of ways I tried to change my a--I really thought I tried to accept him the way he was, but I thought of a few things, but then I thought maybe I wasn't thinking hard enough, so I asked his opinion on things I had done or do that are manipulating or ways to try and change him. He said telling him he could leave was one. I didn't think so, I am wrong. I told him I thought that was a boundary. When I told him he could leave it wasn't meant to be a threat it was just stated like "if things continue down this path (your drinking and using) than there won't be a choice, he would have to leave because I couldn't live that way forever. Was that a threat? or a boundary?
Also when I got home yesterday, he had just gotten home. Then it appeared to me that he was rushing in the house. When I walked into the house he was washing his mouth. My heart just wanted to drop. I thought he was trying to wash the smell of alcohol off of him. He is a smoker and he usually washes his mouth off after he smokes because the smell bothers him. He did give me a kiss and I couldn't smell any alcohol, but for a while I was really "upset" because I just wasn't sure. I hate being "lied" to. I really don't think he did anything, normally if he does drink even one beer I can smell alcohol being emitted by his skin all night. I didn't smell that. I didn't ask him about it, I didn't question him about it. I was proud of myself for that, but I was still irritated and I don't think I had the right-especially if he didn't do anything wrong.
I just think I'm waiting for the shoe to drop or a sucker punch to the gut. I don't want to do this all the time. I want to accept that he may fall sometimes and it won't be the end of the world and we can handle it. But I sooooooo do not want him to fall. I am enjoying the sober husband sooooo much!!!! I wish I weren't so scared!!!
All very natural stuff.... your fears, the feeling of walking on eggshells, etc....
Early recovery is VERY hard, and not only for the alcoholic.... This is an important time to REALLY step up your program, working on you, your feelings, what makes you tick, etc..... Allow him to work his....
The worrying about whether or not he has relapsed...... again, it is fairly natural to do so, but try asking yourself the question: "if I know the answer, would anything change?". I guess what I am trying to get at, is that you CANNOT "cause his sobriety" anymore than you can "cause his drunkenness". Do you worry about tomorrow's weather, and fret about whether or not you can do something to change it?? Of course you don't, cuz we ALL know it would be ludicrous to think we have any ability to change the weather..... The reality, that we don't quite yet accept, is that we have about as much influence on our A's drinking, as we do on tomorrow's weather....
I would encourage you to work on you..... and please, don't ask an active, or early recovery A, the types of questions that are best asked of a sponsor - he is in NO position to be able to give you feedback over what you did in your recovery, to help you through your steps..... He is your husband, not your sponsor. Please make that distinction, as it is unfair and unreasonable for him to help you on such things, at least at this time.... (same goes the other way - you cannot be HIS sponsor).
Hope that helps...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
There is nothing so exhausting than the constant analyzing we do of ourselves when we first hit the program. I thought that if we start focusing on ourselves things will get better.
I hit the program hard! I hit the books every day, went to a bazillion meetings, got a sponsor, started online chats, went to camp outs, speakers....Hell, what DIDN'T I do in the beginning.
Then it hit me that I was doing all this because I expected that if I did, then he would change. (that is what my interpretation of the suggested welcome).
he got sober, I got miserable. He relapsed, and i got so frustrated! I worked my program based on the fact that he was supposed to get sober if I kept my nose out. If I worked it hard enough, and fast enough, it would surely bring sobriety.
For me, it took three years of seperation for me to gain true acceptance of his disease. I don't know if this will help, but I now live with him again, and he is still an active drinker. I have stopped looking for evidence of how much he was drinking. I stopped looking for pop cans with pot burns on them. I stopped letting my skin crawl when he passed out at 10:30 and stinking up the room.
I came to realize that Loving him is MY choice. I have made the decision to love him, and with that comes some concessions. I have to be patient and forgiving. I know what I am in for, and for me, that is okay. I have asked God to help me love him, and to let the things go that bother the heck out of me. I ended up likening them to things like leaving the toilet seat up, and not rinsing the sink after shaving... stuff like that!
Dawn, hang on to the steps. You don't have to master one before you move on to the next one. I didn't truly grasp the steps until I hit Step 11 (Prayed for knowledge of His will for us and the Power to carry that out) and am still often hard on myself. Be gentle on you, and on him. He loves you, even if it doesn't show the way you want it to. Leaving the bottle behind can be quite a challenge. I know you would want him to be patient with you if it was your addiction, and you would be angry if he withheld his love because you slipped.
Keep going to meetings, and work it however you need to work it. Most of all, Seek a Higher Power to lean on in times like these, when we feel that we just can't do it ourselves.
THank you for your posts!! That was helpful. I think me asking my "a" for help was a way to show him that I was trying to work on my end--which is my deal not his, so I shouldn't worry about whether he knows I'm working on me or not-if I'm working on me then it will show, I won't have to tell!
