The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I spent a tremendous amount of downtime given to me by a lack of electricity for days from Hurricane Wilma to work Step One, Step Two, Step Three, and Step Four on something that started off quite simply with something I said to myself during the hurricane.
As some of you know, I am a storm tracker. Yes, a real weather nerd! During hurricanes I am one of those "sick people" that go out just to feel the intensity and survey the on-going destruction. Please keep in mind that I have Plan A, B, and C for my safety. It is a calculated risk each time I go out my door in a hurricane (Not recommended...please do not try this at home! -ha). Wilma packed a pretty good punch with the backside of the storm and I went out. The winds and pelting rain were so strong that it was pushing the skin sideways on my face. Then I heard a low rumbling noise in the distance. It is the sound the wind makes when you are about to get a hard gust blasting into your space on top of the wind you are already experiencing. When you hear it there's about 3-5 seconds before it hits. I was not in a position to get back in the house. So I hunkered down in my Plan B safety space and took the hit.
It was over in about 7 seconds and I made my way back into the house, saying..."Wow, if that's wasn't a pure let go, let God moment I don't know what was!" because at that moment, out there "naked" with the elements, you have one thing on your mind, and one thing only.... your HP. You can't help it. You have only faith that whatever happens next is God’s will for you. And, you have no choice or control in the matter; it will be what it will be, period. At the same time, with that let go, let God moment, when you realize that your HP is all that you have, there is a calm and peace inside. Even as I braced myself against the wind, even as I realized that I could be swept away or fatally hit by some flying object, I am experiencing this inner quiet. And, that’s why I call it a pure Let Go and Let God moment.
Hmmm..... and that started me thinking. Do I really and truly believe in God’s will and life for me with as much conviction as I do when I go out into a hurricane like that? Do I ‘live it’ like I ‘live it’ in those moments “naked” with the elements? Do I? The answer was a resounding and very, very humbling “NO.”
As I mentioned, with no electric for many days, I have been working some Steps. I have worked the 12 Steps over the years with various issues that filled the “blank line” of Step One; “We admitted we were powerless over _(blank)_, that our lives had become unmanageable.” Step Two after several years of recovery always seemed to get easier in its own way, and this time was no exception; “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Step Three, however, is the one that hit me hard this time: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”
I have cried, and cried with this Step in my writing and sharing this time, more than I ever have in 11 years of recovery. Why? Because for the first time in my whole life, I have come to understand that there is a difference between making a decision to turn my life and my will over, and truly believing beyond any shadow of any doubt that God will truly take care of both. I can walk around saying it, I can think it, I can convince myself on many levels and others that I believe it…BUT…Do I truly, truly, “naked” in the elements, believe it! It’s a fine line, but Hurricane Wilma made me cross that line and not only feel what I thought I had, but made me see what I believed I had that I really didn’t have… Did I lose you on that last line? Heck, even I had to read that line twice. Ha.
Translation directly from “One Day At A Time in Al-Anon” with my own underlined emphasis on a few words -
“Understanding my relationship to God will show me that humility is an essential element of faith, and true humility will remind me to Live and Let Live. Faith in a Higher Power can also help me overcome my faults. If I believe in a Power greater than my own, it would be unreasonable for me to behave as though I were all-wise. I pray for guidance from my Higher Power in everything I do. I know that many of my decisions could have been more wisely made if I had been more receptive to His guidance.”
Now, that translation does not mean I will not go out into a hurricane again. Albeit for some, that may be looked as I am behaving “all-wise.” HA. But it does mean that I am so grateful to be humbled yet again to the fact that even if I think I am believing in my HP with all that I’ve got, I’m not. There’s always room for growth in that department, always. And my HP will continually guide me to greater faith and understanding when I’m ready. Until then, I humble thy self!
Thanks for letting me share. My Internet is still up and down, and some folks are still without electric on my street. Hopefully we will be up to full speed in a few days here. I have missed everyone here, and my thoughts and prayers have been with you all while I have been away.
i can really relate, as i felt the same way driving thru many snowstorms last year, let go and let god really worked for me. Yet, when it comes time to do it in my relationships, it seems so hard to do. reading your share reminded me that i need to constantly reevaluate, trust and cherish my relationship with my hp and remember that i am not in charge....hp is.
Thanks for the very honest share. I my self wonder those things. Time and reading and alot of self discovery is the only way that I my self can turn my life over to my HP. I still haven't figured out if it is God or something else... It is something..
