The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Has anyone seen that movie? Bill Murray reliving the same day over and over. This is how I feel. I just keep going back to the same day. Here I am October 31st and I might as well go back to August 15th...September 12th (my A's last two relapses). Back to the scene of the crime. Back to the "no call rule". I will say that I am better now. I am sad and anxiety has not taken full effect yet, but I am not a crazed lunatic. I am not trying to control it. I'm just mad at myself for allowing myself to be mainpulated again. It's a struggle not to call and tell him "exactly what I think of him" sometimes. I know it's for nothing. No sense in trying to rationalize with someone who is still trying to make deals with himself. It saddens me. Sometimes I lose sight of the big picture and think "he'll find someone else and be happy before me"...is that INSANE or what? He will be the same tortured soul no matter who he's with unless he's working the program. I can be happy. I have to keep telling myself. But can I move on? Can I get him out of my life? Do I want to? This is my struggle. Do I want a divorce? I'm afraid to say it. I'm afraid to not be able to follow through. So I stay quiet. I'll stay focused on me. It's a struggle but I will do it.
Someone once told me that insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.
I write a lot of letters to my husband, many of them I never give to him, I do it for myself. I also keep them all in a file. A few months ago I was rereading some I had written in the past. I came upon one that I wrote over years ago and realized that it could have been written the day I was reading it. I sat and cried and thought.
Realizing what we are doing is a start. Nothing happens over night.
You don't have to make any decisions until you are ready to, and only you will know when that is. If we are afrais of an answer, then we are probably not ready to ask that question.
Awareness is a huge step in the beginning of the process.
It took many months of being furious w/ myself to let it go & forgive myself - I was resenting myself cuz I had been "suckered" back into stinkin' thinkin' living for the A & not for me.
Forgiveness is an incredible Blessing - I cannot believe how much self-hatred I was experiencing & all of that anger I was still carrying around over my ex keeping ALL OF MY THINGS - but I mangaed to let it go. I hope he is watching my baby 8MM films. I am grateful I used to watch them over & over in my closet when I was in 2nd & 3 rd grades.
The reason is ovbious, cuz I lost them physically but I can recall them in my mind... me learning to dive, ride a bike, Halloween's & Christmases.
I am also very grateful I have been praying for my ex to get help all along - it might take prsion for him (I think an institution would be *gentler*) but it isn't for me to decide... Thank You God for Allowing Me to Remember Not to Interfere with Your Divine Plans.
I'm glad I am getting my life back!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Groundhog Day is a fascinating movie. I've watched it a number of times, and here is what I've learned. It takes place over a longer period of time than one would first suppose. The main character DID do the same things over and over, and he went through all the phases of suffering from his own failure to learn. (Since I tend to be a slow learner, I was interested in this.) His first reaction was "life with no consequences", so he put the make on all the town girls, got drunk and went to jail, etc. Tiring of that, he sunk into boredom and finally committed suicide a number of times. Finally, he became a better person. He learned compassion, how to have fun, and the inner rewards of helping others. THEN he won his true love and got to move on with his life. The thing is, I think this is how life really IS. Not only our As, but we ourselves, tend to make the same mistakes over and over and go through the same cycle until we 'get it'. I love that movie.
Remember "nothing changes if nothing changes" or "nothing changes unless something changes" Insainity is when we keep doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
I feel your pain. It is so hard to love our "A"s, the pain it can bring and the disapointment, the anger all of that. I know how that all feels. I am also not sure where my marriage is going, or even if I still have one. I am working on not thinking about the "what ifs" and turning the focus on the "what can I do for me". All I can do is work on me and trust my HP to do what is best in the matter of my marriage. I love my "A", but he may not be what my HP has planned for me now. As much as that hurts, I have to have faith that it will all work out for the best.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
It's one of my favorite movies too--- but I never thought of it in this context! thank you so much for making the analogy. I have those moments a lot--both with my husband and his substance abuse and my journeys into weight loss. (I actually think the analogy works better for my weight watcher visits--I keep losing and regaining the same 25 lbs!) Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
