"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Where am I in my own recovery??

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Tom

Great post and exercise. I agree with your wise sponsor, It is important to self reflect and we must always guard against our huge weapon- self destruction.

. To honestly see myself - as human with human foibles and destructive habits is a great gift of this program For so many years I thought I was perfect and God like. How wrong I was So happy to have found a true HP.

I fit into the 6, 5, 1 class . Al I do tend to stay humble Stage 6 most of the time. However ego, pride, and the "poor me" fly over my head often. When I do not pull them in I am fine Once I take them in and ponder them I am off and running on my defect

I guess we are all works in progress and continue to grow ODAT

Thanks for the topic

Cupcake · Veteran Member

Thanks Tom.
This a great idea! I would love to see more of this kind of thing on here rather than just venting. I know we need to do that every once an awhile although I like to focus on the recovery bit so this is right up my street!

I think I'm a 4, 3, and occasionally 1. I try to get out of 1 as soon as possible though. I feel comfortable in 4 and hope, with work to get to 6. I am only 7 weeks into the program but I love what it is giving to me. I am learning so much about myself and gaining so much power. I love my meetings and I enjoy reading the posts from people who have been working their program. they give me so much hope.

Great topic!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I like your stages :) In terms of alanon...I'm really at stage 3. Now because of my AA experience, I fall into stage 5 entirely too much. If I didn't have a significant amount of 6 going on, I wouldn't go to meetings and such.

I did want to say that over on the AA board here and a few times in regular meetings and in my daily life, there have been times in which I was able to direct people to alanon and actually have been able to explain how it could help and what it uniquely offers that is very different from AA. I feel blessed that you guys have given this to me.

Doozy · Senior Member

Thanks Tom! As someone still fairly new at this, it's so great to hear from folks who've been walking this walk for a while. I guess I'm in #4 and SO happy to be here! Guess I can look forward to playing God again in the next stage... :) That's annoying! I cycle through 1-3 a lot these days, but I'm okay with that. I think I'm just where I'm supposed to be for now.

Doozy

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Tom with your permissinn I'll change the wording somewhat to express my feelings.

#5 Over the last five years attending at least one, and more often two meetings each week, coming to MIP daily, absorbing and applying the program to the best of my ability, and giving back to others the ES&H from those who came before me, what worked for them. I owe it all to member in the rooms and members of MIP who allowed me to change my life.

#6 I want to continue to learn because I am where I am because of this program. It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the program. I haven't got it all, but the part I have has made my life better. For that I am humbled and grateful. I quit going to the mailbox looking for my diploma from this program because I finally realized it's a journey not a destination.

#1 Poor me, or maybe why me, the ole pity party, yep, in my weak moments as I call them, I still attend an occasional party, but not as often as in the past. I don't think pity parties are all that bad because they serve a purpose for me......When I leave the party it reminds me it's in my best interest to continue focusing on the only person I have control over. Practice, practice, practice.

Great topic Tom, and yes Hotrod, RLC is definitely a work in progress !!

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Tom

Thankyou for posting, I feel it is important for us newcomers that the 'old hands' post this sort of thing. It is heartening and it makes me realise you guys are human also.

I am still in 1 to 3, but every now and then I can feel some of the 4 peek through. but that quickly is sabotaged back to one or two.

Personally I would live to hear more from the long term people of Al Anon who live with thier active user/partner and what it is like on a day to day basis.

I am glad you have some of the 5 and 6, or else we would not be getting into the '4'

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

4 I am getting this slow but sure.

4.5 after all these years I still love my ex AH and miss him and cried today, and am sad as I wanted to be with him forever

6 I want to continue to learn, and share what I can.

I need to remember when I meet an A I need to not baby .

them, and realized they can be trying to manipulate when they open their mouth.

hugs,deb

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Tom just love this post, I some times catch myself wondering what stage people see me at, and I do go up and down the scale alot myself too, I won't even attempt to give you an order because I can be all over the shop, it's kind of like snakes and ladders for me, I know I am making steady progress and there are some numbers I want to rid myself completely of, like number 2, some of it I belive I have worked through unwittingly, the most important thing for me is that I am in a farbetter frame of mind than I have even been capable of ever before, but I do suffer from the mary poppins syndrome, perfect in every way, and I will at times fight for that pedastall!

Katy

x

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

Wow, this is great. I identified so much with all of these stages, up to stage 4; I haven't advanced beyond that. I'm a year into the program just for a point of reference.

some will be at the 'poor me' (pity party) stage.....1

I didn't spend much time here; I think this is actually a healthy place to start out when you are in this situation, because we all should be sad when this problem really develops. But as I said, I didn't spend much time here and I think it is reflective of my upbringing and how I deal with things. Growing up in an alcoholic home, where the problem was never acknowledged, there was no time or space for "poor me". That would require too much of a connection to our feelings. Not surprisingly, I took this mindset into my relationship with my now A wife.

some will be at the "I hate my A" (anger) stage...2

Spent a lot of time here, and probably still do. The sadness and emotions that I didn't let myself feel in stage 1 all get bottled up into anger.

some will be at the "this will never get better" (distraught) stage....3

Didn't spend much time here either, and again, I think that is a result of growing up with alcoholic parents. Children of alcoholics learn early on to be survivors. From a very early age, I knew things were going to be really messed up on a consistent basis, and I had to do what I had to do to deal with it. There was little time or energy spent thinking about whether or not this would ever get better. It was just get through the day.

some will be at the "I am starting to get this" (recovery) stage....4

I do like to think I'm here...I desperately need a sponsor though.

some will be at the "I figured this out a long time ago, and now will teach you all what I know" (I am God) stage.....5

I can see myself definitely reaching this stage at some point. My ego tends to take control at times. Need to be aware of this.

some will be at the "I want to continue to learn" (humility) stage....6

Looking forward to this...

Thanks for sharing this, very interesting...

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I feel like I am at the 4 & 6 stage. I have been getting phone calls to do the steps, concepts, and telling my story at other groups and it just freaks me out! I have been given lovely, humbling comments when its over but I feel as though who am I to stand up and do this? I am no big deal. Why would I be asked when there are so many more people out there with more years of recovery? It is unnerving and I feel completely sick inside when I go up to the podium. I have shared that with people after the talk and I was told I looked completely calm, articulate, not nervous at all. My sponsor raised me to always say yes to program requests. Although deep down inside I know this is stretching me along spiritual lines, I must say I feel like I am chewing on my heart as I am talking because it feels like it moved from my chest to my throat because it is beating so fast.

Bottom line my head tells me what could I possibly share or offer a program that saved my life? In a general way progress in the program is revealed when one tells their story. What I am struggling with, the illusion of fear, that I am going to mess this up OR what I have to share would not contribute in a positive and meaningful way to a program that I treasure so very much.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

T

nyc018 · Senior Member

Two months ago when I started to get into alanon, I was definitely at 1,2,and 3, (pretty much simultaneously). Now, while I still am at stages 1-3 at various points of the day, Im starting to reach stage 4. Im way too new to be at Stage 5. I dont know if Im quite at stage 6 yet since Im still only starting on stage 4, but hope to get there soon enough.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I am at 1-2-3-4-5....and 6! LOL...aahahahahaaa...no for real, because I have not gotten passed step 3 yet (on step3) I still tend to do all those beginning stages if I am in a HALT time. I am getting better at getting back to the 4-5-6 part, and am def. ready and willing to be teachable and humble and learn something from others. Just like with the steps, I go back to step 1 and stage 1 now and then... Every day its getting better... Thanks for this interesting train of thought :)

DadtoCandE · Veteran Member

I'm in the Popeye stage, I am what I am and that's all that I am. I go to Al-anon meetings because I want to. I have not been going for a full year yet, I have not quite made it through a third of my initial stepwork, I still can fall into denial, I can still try to control situations, I am in no way qualified to be anyone's sponsor.

...but I'm happy, I enjoy the journey, I am learning, I am working, I am focussed on myself and I am the reason I go to meetings, not my wife's disease.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I came to understand a long time ago in early meetings that recovery was a matter of progress and not perfection and acknowledging then what the oldtimers were saying.."you'll never reach perfection so forget it and keep walking the program toward progress only", I decided to live in the day only and to listen, listen, listen to as much as I could and then "take what I liked and leave the rest until later". I came into Al-Anon completely clueless about my condition. I didn't know it was alcoholism and/or drug addiction and I probably wouldn't have been able to even spell alcoholism if I tried. When I learned how to say "anonymity" I thought I deserved a certificate of achievement...LOL. I learned that the definition of "Humility" was "being teachable" and if I refused to be that I was pretty much consigned to a self initiated grave. I came in suicidal and had several prior attempts...so why not humility...being teachable...loved it because prior to that humility was too much like humiliation and humiliated which are consequences of being born and raised within the disease.

My daily existence is withing steps 3, 10, 11 and 12. I wake up to the 3rd step prayer to that is practicing keeping myself properly within the power and control order of my life. The "Servants Prayer" (Lord make me an instrument of they peace....) comes next. 24/7 meditation regardless of what is going on at the time...work, play, socializing, learning, dream etc., happens all the time and the meditation is "God is" as taught me thru an early sponsor...(I'm grateful for him) I practice gratitude alot which is the Siamese twin of Acceptance as I have been taught which really helps keep ego and pride under Higher Power and level with others. Practicing "unconditional love" rather than "fear" is the necessity for me. I love the atmosphere of unconditional love because I find my Higher Power present and described by it and the absence of fear allows me freedom to move mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually without feeling tethered or on a choke chain. The principles of the program allow me to behave in a way that includes the guidance of my HP and the program and to honor myself and others as children of God and completely worthy of unconditional love and respect...(thats a mouthful and a head and heartful from a man who arrived at recovery with not much more than rage as an emotion and reactive violence as a response to fear).

I'm progressing cause I keep coming back and as I keep coming back I learn and re-learn new and former lessons. In that manner I'm sixing along with the desire to "practice" more. I find the delight in learning and the miracle in doing...When I get the doing down good what stage am I then? Anyone?

Great post for Analyticals Tom...going to get an asprin and a new note book. LOL (((((hugs))))) smile

diamond · Veteran Member

Hi Tom,

You have a way of igniting my thoughts and I would love to share.

I don't visit the recovery 'rooms' much anymore. Wow...I guess that would mean I'm currently living in stage 5...or maybe stages 1,2 and 3. :)

I have absolutely been through each one of those steps..., and unfortunately spent the most time in stage 2. I've wasted a lot of time there. Alcoholism surrounds me....as I have an ex-husband and a sister whom both suffer from the disease. Even though I say I've spent a lot of time on stage 2, I believe I reached a point of "anger" that wasn't directed so much at the alcoholic as it was the alcohol. I also believe that nobody chooses to have the disease...but I do believe they choose whether or not to treat it.

There is another stage that I continue to visit way too often...and that's the stage of denial. After 8 years of learning and analyzing and recovering....I STILL fall back into the "it's not really that bad" or "this isn't really happening" mindset. Oh...the tricks my mind can play!

The good news is...when I decided I needed help and surrounded myself in the arms of recovery...I learned SO much about me...about life...about self love rather than selfishness. There is a huge difference. I wouldn't take back my self discovery journey for anything! Well, that's not entirely true. I'd take it back if it meant the disease of alcoholism wouldn't exist.

I know I need to spend more time in stages 4 and 6. I miss it there.

Thanks for reawakening my desire to keep learning.....

Diamond.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Love the post however haven't been in a good frame of mind to post a reply .. lol.

I jump weekly through all of them (not so much 1, I don't like how I feel and it just isn't the same feeling as I used to get) however would like to visit and stay in 4 and 6. I do get frustrated often, usually with myself more so than with my A.

Hugs P :)

I love all of the responses this was really fun!!

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

First of all I think every stage is healthy. Whatever stage you are at and when there is no reason to judge..or say I'm only at....

One observation I have is that many an alcoholic seems incredibly healthy, sociable, free of problems...they can seem blissful even in their "medicated' state. I know two alcoholics who seem like they have it "all" under control. They share their wonder every day on Facebook..."awesome" "wonderful" and great are part of their continous vocabulary. Yet they drink every single day to the extent that they are ill. Looks can be deceptive. Neither of them would admit to having any "issues' at all. At one time I wanted to "look" like that. Now I'm not in the least attracted to that level of denial!

In al anon I no longer have to "look good" I no longer have to please anyone but myself. Of course I am not out to displease anyone either....but I learned to take care of myself.

I think its pretty natural to be expasperated at an alcoholic at the same time as having compassion for them. The compassion doesn't necessary supercede the exasperation!

Feeling feelings is a good thing...no matter what they are. What I do with those feelings is so so key. Anger has certainly been the big motivation to move all my stuff ....I'm simply fed up to the back teeth of being around alcoholics.

Sadness and grief can also be cleansing...for a long time I felt incredibly sad about the debacle of the ex A. I no longer feeel sad but I certainly don't feel great about his complete melt down and the way he spiraled me into the process.

While I certainly feel wiser and more sane I'm also aware I can't save the world. Someone moved into my old room already...they are like lambs to the slaughter..I can do nothing about that. They are about to be mowed under by certain alcoholics some of them far more seductive than others. All of them completely out to continue their using no matter what. The relentlessness of this disease and the avalanche it causes is absolutely astounding!

The irony is I can't warn them anymore than any one can warn me. Boundaries are sometimes a very hard lesson in life...leaning them hands on is so difficult.

Maresie.

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Great topic Tom! I can jump around a bit on all of these. I am working step 5 with my sponsor and am having a tough time with it. I love what DadtoCandE had to say and I feel like that Popeye guy some moments too. It gets to be tiresome trudging sometimes and I want to get back into life and I don't feel like I am doing that and not being able to date is a big part of that. I am still on survival mode, get up get kids ready, go to work, come home clean, make dinner, put them to bed, repeat again next day, then for 2 days no kids because they go to their dads and I struggle with the quiet and boredom of it all. I have come a long way and am still finding hobbies and learning to be stable and mellow within myself. I do use my tools and am working diligently on my recovery. I just have been in a funk the last 3 days, because I am sick and feeling down and lonesome. I know this too shall pass and that I will feel healthy again. I know a relationship won't solve any of my problems, so I am continueing to face myself and get myself as put together as I can with the help of my HP, before distracting myself before I am truly ready. It seems I am just still kind of bored even though I have hobbies I don't feel well enough to do them and it has thrown me off my stride. Another learning experience for me to get through and to just slow down and lay low until I am healthy again and to practice self care.

I am sending everyone love, courage, strength and support no matter where you are on your journey!!!

-- Edited by flopadopilus on Friday 28th of October 2011 02:05:50 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"