The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
this is just a continued rant from my last post. Abbyral made a great comment--stop expecting and start accepting. I CAN"T. I just cannot accept the idea that this is a hopeless situation. I have seen improvements--in both him and myself and our family dynamics. but I'd be lying if I said that i don't expect more. cuz I do. I expect a lot from my HP too.AND I really expect a lot from my A's HP.
Here's the other thing though--in return, I think my HP expects me to continue to love and forgive this A that I married. I think its too much to ask-- @ least today.
jeanne
(sounds like a need a meeting--don't ya think?)
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
i am completely changed my expectations!!! *unrealistic expectations are pre-meditated resentments* if someone shows me over and over they are not dependable, or their actions don't match their words....i drop my expectations of them....and if i can have no expectations of my needs being met???? i RE-evalueate the relationship.......just my take, rosie
If you let go and let God it is the hard. I did this and things looked like all would be lost, a month after I started working the let go and let God, I asked my mother in-law "why are things worse then they were before?" She said that if I let go and let God then the next step is to trust my HP completely. That my HP has great plans for me and my A but he can't get his work done when I don't trust him and what he is doing. WOW what an eye opener that was...TRUST.....I almost laughed, I didn't trust my A, I hardly trusted myself, my feelings, etc....and she was telling my to trust my HP. I have to work very hard on this every single day, but you know what, things are getting better and I have even gotten to a point now where I can honestly say, if my HP decides that my A and I are not together, that my A must learn his lessons and way of life somewhere else, if my A's bottom and climb back up does not include me.....I will survive....
It's not about accepting the fact that the situation is hopeless. It's about accepting the fact that addicts lie. Lying is part of the disease. Ask any recovering addict, and they'll tell you that it's a huge part. It comes with the territory. It's like asking a mountain climber not climb Mt. Everst, and yet live at basecamp. It isn't going to happen.
What you have to do is accept that part, and then learn to live with or not live with it. Like the others said, unless there are consequences to that boundary, then it's really not protecting or helping you.
Letting go and letting God is very hard. It takes work. But once you do, it's a great tool to have. My A had 2 choices: move out and drink and possibly die. Get sober and stay sober, and live with us. His choice? Move out, get sober and stay sober and have his family. I could no longer live with an alchoholic. I set a boundary, and so far he has stuck to it.
I agree with you when you say the situation isn't hopeless. But maybe you're expecting too much too soon. Lowering your expectations doesn't mean that you're giving up. But it does lessen the heartbreak when things happen. Never giving up is great. Don't ever change that. But don't expect that he won't lie (I hope he doesn't. And if never lies to you again, then I'll be the first one to say to you and him: I'm sorry I doubted you, and congratulations.), it's the disease talking.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I know what you mean about not accepting that this is hopeless. I have a had time with that too. Especialy when I have seen my a do the "impossible"--say no, or just not use/drink. I see that as a sign that it isn't impossible. While we can see that it isn't impossible, the a has to see that too!! We can't make him/her see it that way. That is where I really have a hard time--I see it why can't he?
When I first came to this site-board. That's what I thought everyone was saying it's impossible, this is just the way it is, we have to learn just to live with it or in spite of it or leave. Now I don't feel that way. Now I think yes there will be times when our a's will use or drink and there is nothing we can do about it, but set our own boundaries and stick with them. But we also see that with our HP anything is possible and in time we have no clue what and will happen. If we feel despair nothing good comes of it-but if we can turn it over and look for the good, remember the times when our a did "beat" the demon, that gives us hope. We shouldn't get mad when they do fail (I know easier said than done!!!), that's when we can support them and say better luck next time--if you want to try again.
I'm sorry for the hard time you are having. Right now my a has been sober for 3 weeks. So I know realistically I could be where you are at any minute, but I am thankful for every day that he beats his demon and I beat mine (worry, anger, co-dependency(this is my toughest)
Good luck to you! You are in my thoughts and prayers.
The most frustrating thing is that we have no control over it, and to accept that they have no control over it either. That is the part that has always driven me nuts.
I don't believe anything is impossible, and I keep hoping and praying that my husband will find recovery and stick to it. I can't make it happen, but I can hope. I don't expect it to happen, so I am not constantly feeling defeated. There are good days and days that are really bad, and yet I keep hoping.
In my heart I believe that this is where I am supposed to be. This man is the love of my life and the father of my children. I can't even begin to imagine my life without him.
At our Wedding the minister said what God has joined let no man come between. Unfortunately he didn't say anything about a can of beer or a Mother In Law. I have faith that it will work out in the end, one way or the other.
We have to have hope, and we have to have faith. There is a movie I have loved since I was a child and the woman says "Faith is believing when common sense tells you not to."
Hi gknee, please read my post again i didn't stay to stop hoping things will change , there is always hope. Just stop expecting hubby to act normal cause he isn't right now, when u can accept that you will be much calmer and less dissapointed.
Miracles do happen. But take care of yourself in the meantime. Having hopes quashed time after time can be very heartbreaking. Remember things are beyond you're control sometimes.
rosie