The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am getting tired of weekends, I do so much better during the week, but the weekends are horrible.
I went to an alanon function on financies. It is not CAL approved, but it was how the steps, traditions, concepts, and warranties can be worked into the personal financial world. It was great, but really emotional, i hate money.
When I came home my "A" had not had a good day with the kids. They had been at eachother all day. When I came home I started going through my clothes. (The pole in our closet that holds up the clothes broke Friday morning. So my "A" asked me to go through the clothes and get rid of what was too big for me and put up what was too small, and whatever else I didn't want to get rid of. And just have the clothes in the closet that fit right now.) I did that, and while I was doing that my "A" went to the landlord to show them all the broken pieces of the closet that had been ruined. He was told that the owner would not pay to fix it, we had to. Well that was the icing on the cake. He got really pissed off and told me he was going to go use.
I tired to stop him, I don't know why I did, I know it is no use. I have no control over that. But I did anyway. All I did was make him feel worse about his wanting to go use. I made him feel guilty for walking out on family night. I am not saying I made him use, I know that is his choice. I could have held my tongue and not made the situation worse.
He then came back a little bit later, left again, and came back. He was so angry, and when he is angry and can't find any pot or alcohol, he turns to meth. He asked me for the car keys, I said no. I only had enough gas to get me to work on Monday, and I wasn't sure how I was going to get to work the rest of the week. He became enraged. He pushed me. I told him that I thought he needed to leave, to take a walk. Then I started to say that I was going to call the police. He has never raised a hand to me. He has tried to intimidate me in other ways, but never like this. Well then he pushed me again and said if you are going to call the cops I am going to give you a reason to. This was all hapening by the front door. I stepped to it and opened it and told him to leave. He walked out. I shut the door and locked it. He then wanted back in, but I wasn't about to let all that happen. I went and locke up all the windows and the back door.
He stayed gone till 9am. He came back and I let him in. He told me it was over. that he was going to get the papers together for a divorce, and that he was going to get the kids. He took some clothes and left. He came back a few hours ago for some food.
I am sad, I love my husband.
I am not the victim in all this, my kids are. I have participated in fights that were stupid, I have said things that I shouldn't have. I have let me anger run away with me and take his using personaly when he isn't doing it to hurt me. Our children, they are innocent.
I am by no means excusing his actions, what he did was wrong. I am jsut scared that in one night I watched my marriage fall apart. And that is something I do not want.
Please I am asking for prayer. I need help from my HP. I know he will give me the help I need. I just need to sit back and not try to force my "A" to come home. With his anger I am not sure I want him here, I am not sure it will be safe. I know he wasn't angry with me, but he took it out on me, and then telling him no, he lost it then. I need guidence. I need to shut my head up long enough to hear what my HP is saying.
Thank you for reading this.
Much Love
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Don't accept the blame for him having a bad day. You are right, it is not your fault if he chooses to use.
Even if you had done things differently, if he was that angry, the outcome would have probably been the same.
yes your children are the victims, but you are as well. I am not saying to excuse yourslef from everything, but don't accept the blame for things that you didn't do.
Sounds like he is angry and is pushing back. You didn't let him back in and he is mad. Give it to your HP, protect yourself and protect your children.
I know how scarey it is, and I know how you feel about wanting him home, but not being sure if you do. Give him a few days to cool down and give yourslef time to decide what you want. Just don't beat yourself up about it. You are not to blame for his addicition.
First off, addicts are never that easy to get rid of. There were times when things would get real bad and as unhappy as I was in the situation the thought of us really splitting up devastated me. The fear of abandonment and fear of being alone just overwhelmed me. My sponsor always told me this, how not to panic because it wouldn't ever be that easy, and she was right. There were times he'd pack everything he owned and leave, only to return in the morning or within a few days.
The fact that he pushed you is not good. It's abusive and you shouldn't tolerate that no matter how much you love him. Addiction is a progressive disease, meaning what we say today that they've never done, they may very well do tomorrow. Try to keep that in mind.
Maybe you could use this time to set some boundaries. Instead of being so upset that he's threatening to end the marriage, turn it around and when he wants to come back (which I can almost gaurantee you will happen without even knowing him) let him know what boundaries you've come up with. A top one should be concerning his violence.
You didn't make the situation worse as far as him using. That is all on him so try not to allow yourself to feel any guilt about it. It wasn't anything you said or did, it was him just doing what addicts not in recovery do...get high.
Pray, say the serenity prayer, read some program literature, keep on posting and sharing, go to a f2f meetings go as soon as possible, call your sponsor. All of these things will help you through this time, and hopefully help you make some healthy decisions for you and your children about your future.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
Jeannie and Dolphin hit the nail on the head in my opinion. Keep re-reading what the put. I am so sorry for your pain now. My heart goest out to you and you can be sure I will be praying for you while I am gone for a few days. ((((((((((Dolphin)))))))) HP will guide you and try to rest peacefully so you do hear his message. This is not the kind of environment to raise kids but there is still hope of saving a marriage in alanon. It just doesn't happen overnight and you still have us. cdb :)
Hi Dolphin , sorry you had a bad weekend , and I agree our mates are like boomerangs - they just keep commin back. He will stay away long enough to teach u a lesson and return. You were right to ask him to leave , violence is unexceptable at any time. Pushing leads to shoving etc .
Any excuse will do go and drink or use, this has nothing to do with you so please don't take it on. Leave the responsibility for his decission with him where it belongs.
And may i suggest that if weekends are so painful ( I remember them well) make plans take your kids out have some fun. He will do what he has to do . Ask hubby to come with you but if he chooses not to, put Plan B into practice = do it anyway.
Dolphin you didn't make him angry he had already decided that he was going to use anyway. If it hadn't been the closet and clothes drama he would have found another reason. You are dealing with 3 different addictions here and each of them would be making him crazy without mixing them all at once. Does it scare you when he loses control? If things are heading towards violence you need to think of you and the kids first. He is an adult they aren't. You are their protector. Stay safe and look after you first. Luv Leo xx
My A has always told me, that addicts don't need an excuse to drink/use. In rehab they always talked about "triggers". When he came home I was so worried about "triggering" him, that I walked on eggshells. I finally realized that life could be going great, and if he wants to drink, he's going to drink. He could wake up in the morning and decided that right then and there. The fact that the rod broke in your bedroom, was a convenient "excuse' to explain it to you. We are so good at blaming ourselves for things we have no control over. Cut yourself some slack.
To me, any physical contact that is not lovingly intended is not acceptable. I'm lucky, my A has never landed a hand on me, and vice versa. He knows that if he did, that would be the end of it. He was beaten by his mother and ex-wife. Please do not let this get out of control. If you feel unsafe then call the police. The safety of you and your children has to come first. If money is an issue, and you can find even a few dollars, start squirrelling it away some place safe. I know my local banks will open an account with just $5. Keep the account # at work, some place where he can't find it or have access to. That way if you ever have to leave, you've got something.
It's always hard to watch a relationship deteriorate. You have some thinking do and some choices to make. Be still and let your heart think. Then hand it over to your HP when you're ready.
Take care of yourself and family. Love and support headed your way.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am so sorry you are hurting. I found as I got healthier and stronger and let go and let God things seemed to get worse. That is the hardest, stay strong, remember that change, even change for the better is hard for people. Remember when my A left it took 10 days for him to call me. I didn't call him, I did text message him twice,,,,,,once saying "when you are ready we will talk" and "thank you" when he deposited his paycheck in the bank. Remember the 3 C's....work hard and take a deep breath. You will find that the peace you find while he is gone, even if it is temporary will give you empowerment. Hang in there....I am here if you need me...ya know I just live a jump, skip, and hop away.
Karilynn reminded me of when my a came home. I was afraid to watch tv because of the beer commercials. I just knew that would get the thought so overwhelming in his head that he would have to get one, we also live 1/4 mile from the beer store--you have to turn by it to go down my road (I entertained the idea of burning it down--not that I really would have, but I knew that HAD to be a trigger)--After spending the first month just freaking out about everything I thought might have the slightest "trigger" effect--I realized everything has the trigger effect!!! I can't stop it!
Everyone is right--you did not make him use. It was his choice! Yes he will probably be back too. My a has threatened me a couple of times with "it's over" when it was at that point--I was like "o.k., it hurts, but this hurts too, so maybe it will get better" The ups and downs and the never really knowing is so hard for us!! Just keep praying and your HP will help!!
I am truly sorry for your weekend and I hope you find some calmness soon!!
abuse escallates!! first it starts with cussing/ threats.....than pushing....than hitting....than maybe the woman's death...i have seen this sooo many times.....they get worse and worse, never better unless they get into therapy, work the 12Steps for all their worth1!!!! ...and they would have to be in the program for MINIMUM 2 years beforei would even consider reconcile...........you are in a dangerous situation....my first EX started the way i described above....i didn't leave till he began beating me in our apt, i grabbed a bayonette and chased him trying to cut his f***ing head off......3 of our neighbors grabbed me/ disarmed me and did it to keep me from going to jail....i took his insults...his pushing...his threats....his *having to drink or smoke pot* the whole thing you are describing reminds me of my first Ex.......i got out and it was the smart thing to do........the marriage was over the MINUTE he put his hands on me.......that is when the contract is over!!!!!!! i will not even THINK of dating anyone who uses or abuses ANYthing.....ANY abuse booze/ drugs/ people.....NO type of abuse....it isn't worth it....my life is more important than having a mate............i can't tell you to get away, that is your decision...but i know from fact....it starts with a *shove* it can end with a hospital stay or worse??? the coroner!!!!! i am serious!!!! i have seen it go like this too many times...with me, my friends, my sister went through it....and we ALL left!!!!! and none of us are regretful................take what works, leave the rest.....
Please, please.... your post shows how hurt and upset you are, but also suggests that you think you are somehow responsible, and/or this is tough on the kids but not on you, and/or that YOUR behavior influences HIS decision to use....
Active A's use... that is what they do.... sometimes they just simply use... other times they create chaos, or start a fight, so that they can use....other times they act really nice to you, so you will allow them more space, so that they can use.... do you see a pattern developing here??
Part of OUR getting better, getting healthier, is the acceptance, both publicly, and more importantly, that the Three C's are right, and that we are refusing to "take on" the responsibility of other people's actions...
Your husband used..... because he is an addict.... nothing else.... he could have had the greatest day in the world with the kids, and he would have found some other scapegoat or reason....
I know you are very upset and scared at the thought of losing your marriage, but the sooner you can allow him to be responsible for his actions and behaviors, the healthier it will be for you, your kids, and ultimately your hubby.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
