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October is at its end... I survived month one without A in house! But there has been so much emotion, so much happening that I have mixed emotions. I had hoped that by now there would be some progress on his part. But I think that rather than him realizing he's losing his wife & family, he's still in the anger mode. I talked to him last night and he said that "he had no control in our house, that he was just a puppet. That he couldn't even say when to turn off a light, or how or when the girl's rooms should be cleaned. And that all he wants is to go to work, hunt & fish when he wants to, play golf & drink if he wants to, and see his kids." Hmmm... Priorities... that's what I always told him. But not a mention of me anywhere in his tirade.
And went on to say that we have nothing in common, how I didn't pay any attention to him or what HE was interested in (hunting, fishing, golfing, fishing... oh yeah... drinking) Years ago I used to nag him to take him with me, spend more time with me & kids, but he told me to "get a life". Well, I've tried to do it, and now see how he's used even that against me. I know from reading other posts that this is "normal" behavior for some A's, but it still makes me nuts.
Is it normal that everything is "about them"? I always knew that there was some kind of "ego" thing going on with him, but how does that connect with alcohol? And is there some point after years of drinking where their brain becomes impaired? He is saying things now that just don't even make sense.
Anyhow, I've had premonitions about our pets in this last month, and both my daughter's cat & our Irish Setter have died within the past week. The kids & I are heartbroken over this, and my daughter called her dad last night & said that he needed to come home, that all kinds of bad things have happened since he's left. He told me that she's blaming him for everything, that he had no control over the pets dying (true). But do any of you believe in a "wake up call from HP"? Now I'm having a premonition about him (A) and it's not pretty. I've heard it said that they must reach rock bottom in order to make the needed changes in life. I know the 3 C's, so therefore know I can't change him, so on. But I'm not sure what it may take for him to reach HIS rock bottom. I would think losing his wife & family would do it!
Well, congrats on your first month of independance! Everyones rock bottom is different. Noone knows what anyones bottom is, even the alcoholic/addict doesn't know what theirs is. From the outside looking in, it sure would seem that losing his family would be it but that's not always the case for them.
Try to keep in mind that alcoholism is not a moral issue. It's not about love or lack of love for his family. It's about an obsessive compulsive need to drink along with a physical allergy to alcohol. It's a disease.
You're right about his behavior being very normal under the circumstances. Alcoholics/addicts do behave very selfishly. It's actually the core of their disease. Everythings about them, what they want, what they need, what others don't do for them etc. They blame others for everything wrong in their lives, even though deep down they know the majority of their problems are from drinking/using.
As for your premonitions, I've had these types of things all my life. They always come to me as dreams, and always be some type of warning from God. When I pay attention to them and heed the warnings I see where it was God trying to protect me. In your case I would just pray extra hard for your HP to keep your husband safe and to touch his life. That's really all you can do. While it may not seem like much, prayer is extremely powerful and I believe it can move the hand of God.
Keep up the good work, give yourself a pat on the back for all you've accomplished in the past month, and as Maria said, do special little extras for yourself and your kids.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
You would think that losing their Wife and children would be their bottom, or would be enough to wake them up, but that iisn't the way it works with this disease.
They do act selfishly, most of them think the world should accomodate them. They should have all the benefits and none of the responsibility. My husband thinks, he should be able to not work, spend whatever he pleases, not help around the house, not have to help take care of the kids, but only play with them when he wants to. I should do all teh housework and yard work, work, take care of the kids and not complain. I have asked him, why is it that he should get none of the responsibility and all the benefits, and he just says "becasue I'm me."
My husband has lost his job (because of drinking), has liver disease and I have put him out of the house and limit the time he spends with the kids and I. I have asked him doesn't he see what drinking is costing him. His logic is that he drinks because he lost his job, has health problems, and I have put him out. He has justified that these things didn't happen becasue of his drinking, but instead that he is drinking because of them. It is all part of the disease.
(((((((((((Ratchies))))))))) Congratualtions on making it for the month which I am sure seemd like a year. You ar a very strong woman and yes, you can do it! AS for normal. Everyone has their own normal and their own timing for hitting bottom if the in fact ever hit it. I just hate the word nagging. Nagging to me is just requesting or asking,,,,,, a way of communicating. For some reason it gets put on the woman and that is so not true. Things don't sound so hard for him if he is able to keep golfing etc. Focus on you. Keep in the moment and focus on you and the kids and one day at a time. Keep your HP close. Alot of woman cannot get their As out of the house at all. So enjoy the time when he is not there and start some of your own traditions with the kids. Even get a new pet maybe :) Start new memories with you and the kids and enjoy the peace. Keep in touch here and keep working your program. your friend, cdb :)
I felt like giving you all a big hug when I read your post. Hard enough for you to deal with the separation and then losing your two beautiful pets. I have two dogs and they are like my children. I wonder if the dog and cat died because they fretted for one another? Keep your chin up life can only get better. Luv Leo xxxx
You've done really good being on your own for the first month. I'm proud of you.
I'm sorry about the pets. Perhaps you might be able to get a new one when the time is right. If not, maybe donating some time to a shelter or people who do rescue work would help.
His behavior is absolutely normal for an alcoholic. They have a disease that focuses on one thing and one thing only: getting their fix. Even when they get better they have to stay focused on their recovery. Because if they don't, they don't survive. That isn't to say that when they recover they can't focus on other things. But the first year is extremely hard.
As for him hitting rock bottom. I believe that their HP certainly plays a part. Rock bottom for one can be very different for another. For some it may be losing their family. For another unfortunately it may never come. I thought for my A it was losing his first family, and then nearly dying. But that didn't quite do it. It took a combination of things.
Don't forget (and I have to remind myself this more often than not) that an addict's thinking (recovered or active) is wired differently. What may seem logical to us doesn't even register with them. There can be some physical manifestations of this to. After my A's seizure, his cognitive function isn't what it use to be. He's a highly intelligent man who use to work in pharmacustical (sp?) business. The doctor's say it's almost like having a ministroke. It should come back. I do know that when relapsed earlier this year, that it takes even less alcohol to make him impaired. One glass of vodka and he's done. It use to take a full bottle.
Sending you love and support to you and the family.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
It has been my experience that my A blames everyone, anyone, everything, for the way he is. They are puppets to their addictions. The sad part is that now matter what we say to them, the "if only he/she would listen" is just us trying to rescue them from themselves. When my A asked if he could come home, he bullied me into agreeing with him. I did, hung up the phone and then called him back and said NO.....I have to make the decision from my heart, not because I feel sorry, or am showing pity....but because I want it a certain way. My boundaries are being respected now, he stops and listens, and is trying so very hard to share his feelings. I know it's only been two weeks but more and more he is saying stuff out loud about his drinking, about how he gets out of control. I listen and nod my head and then bite my tongue, he has to see this for himself. Hang in there.
Ratchie - all A's are different, when it comes to what their "bottom" really is.... Most eventually find their bottom, and some never do....
I would suggest that your hubby hasn't yet even "lost his wife and kids", as he is still occupying quite a bit of time in your head, and still able to manipulate and guilt you, even from afar...
He's been out of the house for a month, but perhaps not much else has changed?? 30 days is a very short time to begin with.... If he's not choosing sobriety yet, than nothing is really changing yet, outside of his address...
Take care of you, and focus on yourself & the kids..... perhaps he has "just what he wants", at least for now..... try your best not to take it personally.... yes, he has an adultress, but her name is alcohol.... he would choose booze over you, the kids, and any supermodel right now....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
