The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been reading posts and talking and doing so much thinking.
As always the thinking makes me ask more questions.
Did I seperate from my husband in an attempt to get him to stop drinking? In all honesty yes.
I love him so much and do not want to end my marriage. I have tried accepting it, and living my own life regardless of what he is doing while he is home. It doesn't work. He drinks, puts the kids in danger and gets very nasty and makes a horrible mess while he is drunk. If I don't want to live in the mess, I have to clean it up. I have to work to pay the bills and I have to keep my children safe. It is too much.
He has liver disease, he has lost his job. Will he ever hit bottom? Who knows!
What I do know is that his Mother says over and over that he will not hit bottom as long as she has a breath left in her. She provides him with beer, money for his needs, after I allow him none, justifies everything he does, and she puts my children in danger as well. She has many times, in order to protect his drinking, put my children in the car with him, knowing he was drunk.
I have spoken to counselors about interventions, but have been told it is impossible becasue of his Mother, she will always offer him a weak wall to go through.
So yes, while I am trying to protect my children, because we can no longer, deal with his drinking. I did put him out hoping to force his bottom. Hoping that he will find it, losing everything but his mother.
Can I stop him from drinking? No! Can I stop his Mother from being a horrible enabler? No
But I am trying to help him see what he is doing. I am trying to have him suffer the consequenses of his drinking, instead of the kids and I as him and his mother would have it.
I know my husband is an alcoholic. I also know my Mother in Law is a horrible controling person, who has been trying to destroy our marriage from day one. While I know he needs to find sobriety and pray he does. I know he needs to break away from her even more. We have had numerouse counselors tell us that while his drinking is a big problem, his realtionship with his parents is more of a problem.
One counselor even went on to say that the reason they enable his drinking is that while he is active and they support it, they can still maintain some control over him.
The people bought him a grave between the two of them. Not him and I (Not that I would be buried there) but him. Then I freaked out and he did force them to sell it. When they told us about it, I gave him a choice, I said if you are going to spend eternity between them, go now, or get rid of it. Then because I don't trust them, I insisted on seeing the paper saying it was sold. Controlling, yes, but these people give me no choice.
So do I manipulate, yes to some degree. I do love my husband, but with 6 children, I cannot have him here with us drinking it is too dangerouse and unfair. While sobriety will not gaurantee happiness, at least it will get rid of the risk of drunk driving accidents, fires and neglect to the kids. (he likes to start big fires in the fireplace and pass out), (He also loves to cook, but gets drunk and leaves things on the stove).
I want my family under one roof again. I am not looking for perfection, just a little bit of safety.
If I only had one wish, it would be my husbadn to get my MIL out of our lives, more so even than sobriety.
Thanks for your post. As soon as I saw the title I knew that I would relate. Don't we all manipulate at some time? Don't be so hard on yourself. You are protecting yourself and your children. When I separated from my husband this time, I knew I needed it. I knew it was what was best for me. I did hope that it would help him reach his bottom, but like you i am faced with a wall of inlaws as well as his friends that are there to both enable and engage him in his addiction. I fought them for a long time. I have stopped thus far. My battle is with this disease. It is a family disease. I cannot cure, control nor did I cause anyone else's problems. For a long time I sought to make them all understand what was wrong with them. I came out the crazy *itch in the end. A few weeks ago my A and I had an argument about his sister. In the course of the argument he said to me that that was his family and I was never going to change that. I realized then that that was the truth/ I am never going to change the factthat they are his family. I sat down and wrote a letter to all of them. I showed no one, but it helped me put it all down in a place where I felt that I had gotten out all my frustration. And then I let it go. I have other battles. No sense in fighting a lost one. They have to live with themselves each day. I don't. I have to live with me. Keep strong and remember, they are strangers in the end. Your children are your family.
Wow Jeannie. Ya know as well as I do, our A's may just keep abusing themselves and their bottom may be death.
My A's mom has altzheimers now and should be in assisted living. She went from the nursig home back to her home, only to have her meth addicted, thief daughter move in to take care of her, more to take her drugs and sell them.
Anyway I am hoping my A will grow up some now since he has the same sick relationship with his mom as your A does.
Sadly he has hep c. He does not take it seriously at all though.
I agree with your decision to raise the kids with out A there. I won't even leave my animals alone with the A.
Seems strange to me how so many mothers allow their A sons live with them. anyway mainly wanted to send ya a hug. love,debilyn
Easy does it. We do the best we can. We love alcoholics and when there are children involved we try to hold the family together. The alcoholics are manipulative and controlling too. That is the disease talking. Keep trying for a creative solution that protects your children and keeps your family together. You do have your HP for guidance. Get your power back from that MIL! You can feel her control even in cyber space.
Don't get a big head now,,,but in my book,,,,are a HERO and how you have handled your situation should be written in a book of how to work the program! Don't second guess yourself please. Change manipulation to boundaries. Boundaries are to make us and our children safe and that is what you have done. I would put many medals around your neck if I could and put you on the first place podium for all the cheer for. Yes, we are all human so we must manipulate a time. Manipulation is not all a bad thing. It just has gotten a bumb rap. Give yourself loads of pats on the back and keep your chin up high to carry those medals with pride. You have come a long way, and I really mean it! Just keep on working your program and let he, his mom and dad get their natural consequences. They have information. Lots of it and are choosing to ignore it. It is implanted in their mind and they have their own HPs too.Stay strong and don't second guess yourself,,but keep on posting what is on your mind and venting here whenever you need too. cdb :)
Human beings by nature manipulate their circumstances in order to survive. Animals do it too! It's called survival. Now I will say that there are people out there who manipulate their circumstances and people out there for the benefit of themselves without any regard to other people's feelings. It's all about them. They don't care who they hurt. But we have other names out there for them and that's .
I think you did what you had to do because you were concerned for the safety of your family. What if he had burned the house down? (My brother-in-law burned the garage down because he was high! Thank goodness it wasn't attached to the house. But he hasn't hit rock bottom. My sister is in denial.) Don't be so hard on yourself.
The fact that you hoped that he might get sober is natural. My A and I are living apart because we knew that he couldn't get sober and stay sober while we were living together. I told him that I didn't want to go through another year like I did last year. Drinking is not allowed in this home. If he drinks, he goes. It's a boundary that we have agreed to.
You're never going to be able to help your husband see what he is doing to himself. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. But that's a reality I had to wake up to. If they are ready for recovery that's when they see it. Not a moment before that.
Your MIL has to go! You're a strong woman, take your life back from her! If she wants to control your son, then so be it. But she doesn't have to control you or your children. I would argue that if your MIL is putting your children in the car when she knows your husband is drinking and driving that's called CHILD ENDANGERMENT. There has to be some law to protect them from that isn't there? I don't know, I'm no lawyer. But there should be.
You have been such an inspiration to so many people. You should get a medal just for raising 6 kids. (I have a cat, and she's enough of a handful. ) How on earth have you managed to put up with that woman for all these years, makes you a saint in my book. You'll be just fine. You keep doing what you are doing to take care of your children and yourself.
But please, take your life back when it comes to your MIL. From reading your posts, it sounds like she has had more of a negative affect on your life recently than your husband.
Sending you love and support.
Live strong, Karilynn
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
One comment that struck a nerve though, was at the end..... yes, your MIL is an enabler, and doesn't help things here..... but your husband drinks because he is an alcoholic, NOT because his mother enables him..... Many alcoholics, with FAR more enabling people in their lives than your MIL, have successfully chosed sobriety...
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
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) How on earth have you managed to put up with that woman for all these years, makes you a saint in my book. You'll be just fine. You keep doing what you are doing to take care of your children and yourself. 