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Hi just need a little feedback here guys. I went to a counsellor on Monday D/A had a good talk about what boundaries to put in place with my A etc. As yet I haven't been able to do that because the kids have been around or he is at work. He runs his own business and at the moment is working seven days a week. Because he lost his licence he is riding a motorbike through bush to work. I was out this afternoon taking my youngest son for a driving lesson when I returned home my A was out the back and had grazes on his leg. I asked him how he had done it and his reply was 'Well you can't get a lift to work so I came off the motorbike on the way home". I replied "I beg your pardon?". Obviously my tone was enough as he said it is not a drama just a bit of skin off my leg. Here is the bad part I asked him if he had been drinking because for 8 weeks he has to my knowledge not had a drink. He said I have had f. all and I am tired. I slipped back into old habits. I was contemplating opening up about the boundaries then but was not sure if he had been drinking or was genuinely tired. He started to say he had to go to work so busy etc. I said you need to stop playing the victim. No one is making you go to work seven days a week. Anyway surrendered to Hp and decided not to carry the conversation on further in case I was wrong. I have been feeling really strong up until today. Have to remember the 3'cs and I am powerless over the drinking and my life is unmanageable. I think the worst part is the self doubt I have in a situation like that. Tonight I will surrender to HP and ask for the strength to have the conversation that I have been putting off. Weather is beautiful here so tomorrow I will pick him up from work and go the beach and have the talk on neutral ground. Thanks for listening I needed to get that off my chest. Luv Leo xx
I had the same trouble last night with my A. I think that it is talking to A's. There is no degreee of error when you talk to them. You are bound to screw it up no matter how hard you try. I think boundaries are also hard to maintain with A's. They do lie and push your buttons.
Oh have a great time at the beach. I hope it goes well for you.
You are human....please remember that. It is normal to slip back into old behaviors. The most important thing is that you realized it and acknowledged it. Don't be too hard on yourself....it's hard to trust when you have been through so much. Wishing you all the best in your talk today.
I know it is so hard not to go back to the old way of reacting. Sometimes I have to just walk away and lock myself in the bathroom and talk to myself. It is very scary to me because i don't know what his reaction will be at any time of the day. So we don't really talk all that much just sort of superficially. But my husband is still active so I know he is using. I don't have to guess.
But you know what, give yourself a break. we are all learning a whole new way of living and it is like learning a new language. It takes a long time and you are bound to make mistakes. And you learn from your mistake and go on. You are an awesome person and give yourself a pat on the back for realizing what you need to do to take care of yourself. You were right about not talking just then about the boundries.
It sounds like you are working your program really well! Way to go :) AT these times we need to give ourselves a pat on the back and acknowledge how much we have grown. Keep up the good work and keep on coming back. whoooohoooo way to go :) cdb
Try to remember that living for a long time with an A brings with it the trust issues, the sad part I found was because I can't trust what he is saying I then second guess myself, my thoughts, and my feelings. (I think that is what makes us think we are crazy; we don't listen to the little voices in our heads...LOL) My counselor said to "Listen to my gut" quit pushing feelings aside because they are inconvenient or may make my A upset. I have a right to voice my opinions, set my boundaries (as long as they are not boundaries used to control another person) and feel my feelings.
