Separation is Tough - Al-Anon Family Group

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Separation is Tough

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Good work Greeneyes!! Really you're getting it cause you're working it...work on getting rid of those expectations which the programteaches truely are future resentments. Don't need those at all. My alcoholic/addict wasn't one for contacting me either until one day a couple of years after we separated she called and said that "I was the only one she would want to go to the Christmas (work) party with. Guess what? Hear that Merry-go-round music in the back ground? Yeppers one total and massive relapse on my part. I found I never forgot where I left off and came right back up to speed once she held the door open for me. Like TomC says only a bit different; the was an "SSS" tatooed on my forehead...stands for Sick Sick Sick. Man is this disease cunning, powerful and baffling. Thanks to the program the tatoo is fading and I've just got a mild virus from time to time. LOL Keep coming back you're doing fine. ((((hugs)))) smile

KeepingFaith · Member

((((Green Eyes))))) I feel your angst & pain. I'm going through the same exact thing, except it's only been three weeks since I left my Abf. I debate myself all the time, trying to figure out a way to "wake him up" but recently I've been truly embracing the "let go. Let hp" I try to have faith and trust in that if he ever does get better than I will hear from him. It's much easier said than done as I cry every day missing him. I haven't figured out the key to truly accepting that he's gone, but I trust in the process of MIP and f2f meetings and I hope you find some peace to ease your pain. In the meanwhile, we are all here for you with lots of love & support! Hugs! Nic

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow! After I wrote my post last night, I read "Courage to Change" for October 12th before I went to bed. And there it is:

"I needed my husband to get sober so that we could live happily ever after, because I couldn't face the ugly disease that had overshadowed every aspect of our relationship, and I couldn't face the emptiness I felt in my own life. It was so much nicer to think about a future of bliss, if only he'd change. In Al-anon I had to unlearn a lot of romantic nonsense in order to find a satisfying life in the here-and-now. When my husband and I separated, my fantasies crashed, but with the support the program, I learned to look at myself for happiness and to my own real life for enrichment."

It ends with, "The Twelve Steps of our program have led me to a faith in God today which is based on acceptance of the world as it is. I no longer agonize over how the world should be."

And this is why we need to look for our program literature for support and encouragement. Miracles are in progress...

P.S: Thanks Jerry and KeepingFaith for your ESH.

-- Edited by Green Eyes on Thursday 13th of October 2011 10:20:09 AM

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Green Eyes,

You are working a great program and have some really great awareness going on. It is disappointing that nagging "why" question. Why is it not enough yet? Why can't he go get help? Why, why, why .. I don't know why I only know what I "have" to do and I have to take care of myself so regardless of the outcome I know it's going to be ok no matter what.

Love the reading as well, Hugs P :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh honey I was so there too. Thank you HP I survived it and am now where i am.

I remember freezing and starving to death living in the sunroom on the end of the barn, wishing he would call. His own brother asked him what are you doing???? Your WIFE is living in the barn!

The disease did not care.

still doesn't.Doesn't care that every day I wonder is this the day I am going to find out he is dead?

BUT it is not as horrible as where you are now. The more time and work we do on us, the faster it will be we will heal and realize they have NOTHING to give us that we need or want.

hugs! keep coming in and venting! debilyn

sookie · Senior Member

I understand, too. Sometimes when I feel peaceful, I question my sanity in that, am I really peaceful or am I delusional that he is going to get sober and I am clinging to some misplaced hope. Because of course we want our spouse to be better, to be healthy, and we deserve love. So I always remember a saying someone said to me here, "Stop accepting unacceptable behavior while missing love" and really I was missing love with my AH. We are separated too and I do feel much better being out of the cycle of drama, but wow, it is a journey so I keep coming back!!!

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,

Your subject heading brought back memories. I recall wanting to talk with him on the phone and hoping I'd see some sign of regret or some remorse. I'd finally given up and began learning how to take care of me and deal with the fear, resentment, and pain so they wouldn't eat me alive!

Your post reminded me of the Three G's

*Get of their backs

*Get out of their way

*Get on with your life

Al-anon can help us carry out these 3 G's. One day at a time & with lots of pratice.

Take good care, Gail

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi green eyes,
My exAH finally has told me he sees himself more clearly after I left him and got out of his way. I used to call and check up on him and my sponsor would tell me that it didn't seem to help me dettach. So I stopped calling and checking up on him and he comes to me and says things I never thought I would hear from him, only now I am healthy enough not to let him back in. He still doesn't have a program and knows he is in a bad place with his drinking and I can't live like I did before I bottomed out ever again. My sponsor was right about so many things. This program works when you work it and indeed it sounds like you are. Great job and keep up the great work! Sending you love and support on your journey!

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks, "Flop", your words mean a lot to me. Tonight is another tough night for me. I SO want to call and check up on him, but I know that it would not help me in my efforts of recovery and detachment. I'm going to look to my HP and my sponsor to get me through this night, and the days to come. Boy, do I need my meeting tomorrow night!

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews or "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie helps me when I get desperate late at night. Keep taking care of you!!!!!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.