So, what happens when you can never get away from them)?  Phone calls continue, so turn off the phone, don't answer, delete voice messages without listening, then next thing you know you're served papers to be in court (just to keep it all going), create financial hardship.  Then get in court and have him just tell the judge that he hasn't talked to me in a long time and the judge listens, while I sit with proof (paperwork and tape recorded message that the judge won't even take and has no interest in seeing my proof that he is lying.   Instead, the judge says my proof isn't good enough whether it be doctors written letters regarding our daughter, school staff officials who have seen all that is occuring, plus his character is tainted due to his excessive drinking and has been in jail and is facing another sentence. 

What happens when you try to disconnect the phone, yet have your children he continues to contact to keep it all going?  What happens then, when he takes you to court, just to have the judge say, Your honor, she won't let me see my son, as he hasn't visited me in 6-months, in which 3 of those months he was in JAIL, yet blames me.  Still, the judge acknowledges him, NEVER me-- Being forced to give up my home due to this unecessary crap.  So how to you get away?  When it affects your entire world, all that you work for and the harder you try to succeed above the negative people in your life, the past keeps you held to it? 

Gosh, I'm so tired....  losing all that I worked to provide for my children, a home, good education, participation in sports (not much though), and staying in an area long enough for them to develop stable friendships, people that can trust.  All this soon to be gone from their life because my ex continues to try and make it difficult.  I guess it wouldn't be so bad because normally I can handle it all cause I've had well paying jobs, but now the one I'm in is abusive and they are pushing me out, intimidating me and triggering all this CRAP of emotion that I felt with my ex-- the verbal, emotional abuse in an attempt to make me quit. 

So how do you get away from your past when it never leaves you?  It's like an old wound with a scab... it begins to heal, then someone rips off the scab and it's a fresh wound again.  Well, 9 years out of my divorce this still occurs, thousands of dollars of counseling....  friends that I thank God for, but can't keep relying on them because they have lives and issues of their own to deal with-- nothing changes.  I'm tired , and there's times I just want to give up, but give up to what?  God?  I do that each and everyday and the more I do, the more it seems this all comes at me.    One thing is for certain, this life I am living is hell on earth.  What we are all living.  

cdb, there must be something in the air or perhaps just many, many, years that is wearing me down, as it does you and others.   The truth is, I don't want to go to a face to face meeting because my faith is most important in my life and not being able to discuss that turns me off from the meetings.   The Pastor of the church I had attended is gone, moved to another location-- have no friends in the area so it's tough.  My parents are close by, but I am told by my Mom that my reaction to all this is horrible-- Oh yeah, I lose it-- swearing, angry and whatever else you want to call it cause as most of you know you start to feel crazy about it all.  She doesn't understand the emotions cause she chose to just be cold, never cry (she told me that not too long ago)  That she made up her mind a long time ago when she cried that she would never do it again.  So of course-- how can she understand. 

This triggers so much more in me emotional.  I talk about just moving to another state to get away from my ex and all the people who are continually keeping me in my past cause of continued contact with their abuse.  My mom says,   "Well, you can't run away from yourself".  It REALLY pisses me off when she says that because she seems to think that I am weak for wanting to move away from my ex and all this crap with people I've faced all my life.  I've worked hard to get where I am, fighting to complete my education so that my kids see not to give up, forcing myself to stay positive to continue on and my Mom says I cannot run away from myself.  I like myself, I love what I do for work, I love my hair, my body (even with the extra weight), my intelligence, my compassion for people and my faith in God   Yet,  she tells me I can't run away from myself.  I said to her is it so wrong to want to be away from people who are abusive, as if I'm weak....  I completely lost it, she said, "Your response to it is like you're losing your mind" and of course, I replied I believe I am, but 21 years of this is way too much.  

She said to me she does understand because she has lived with these types of people, talking about my father particularly-- But, she doesn't understand because the difference is that she stayed and continues to fight with him and him with her.  I chose to leave the abusive relationship, yet it continues.  There is a HUGE difference.  I'm trying so damn hard and tired of nothing changing-- seeing my children suffer through it all too, only to have my ex blaming me for it, despite the so many people who have helped us all throughout the 9 years in this recovery.  Yet, all he has to do is tell a judge what he "feels" and the judge listens.

I'm close to losing it all-- For what?  I just don't understand. 

Thanks for listening....