The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone and thank you for taking the time to read my post.
I'm 33 years old, happily married for 14 years (nov 1) , together almost 19. My husband and I have 3 children. Today is his 6th month anniversary in recovery and I'm more proud of him than you can imagine. However, there is something that I am having a very difficult time with. In the big book, I believe they call it, The Family Afterwards.
I've been looking all over to find someone who's story is like mine but haven't had any luck yet. First, let me begin by saying my husband was never abusive, he was not the type to drink first thing in the morning, it was always after work and on weekends. He was never out all night partying, etc. in fact...we spent more time together when he was drinking, then we do now.
I'm struggling with this AA program he's in, he's devoted much of his free time to the program and his steps. I feel as though I'm being selfish and worried this will cause him to drink again since he doesn't want to see me unhappy. In the beginning, I was going to the meetings with him. But, just as I felt long ago, that feeling of not fitting in when I wasn't a drinker, I started to feel at the meetings because I'm not an alcoholic either.
My concerns when he was drinking was his health. He ended up in the hospital, his blood pressure was soaring and his liver was on the verge of being affected by this disease. He mainly drank the hard stuff. He started AA when he came home from the hospital. At first it was almost every day but lately he has been trying to cut back to have time with me and our 3 children. I feel like he wants or needs to go to more but feels guilty.
I'm going through a lot of mixed feelings. I'm missing him because when he was drinking, he was home, we were always together, now were not. I didn't realize this would be a lifetime commitment, that he would always need this program to stay sober. I'm feeling jealous because I don't feel like it's something that I can fully be a part of when I was always a part of everything else.
Recently he's been asked by a female for rides to some of the meetings. It started out, can you give me a ride home and turned into what meetings do you go to. When she found out my husbands work was hiring, which he mentioned at one of his meetings to a man desperate for a job, she went as far as asking him if she could work there and get rides from him. Well, he can't do that because of his position in the company but for her to ask, all I could think of was what next? Coffee? Grocery Store? I know as part of the 12th step you are supposed to help others and give back to the program but isn't that asking a bit much from a married man?
I'm not used to this. I've been with my husband since I was 15 years old, we are not only married but best friends too. I fear him having an emotional attachment to other women since I'm sure they can relate to him better than I can when it comes to this disease. I fear other women depending on my husband for support and comfort. I don't know these people so it's hard for me to trust them and I've always been the only woman in his life that way.
I'm scared right now. My husband has been feeling down, feeling guilty, feeling like he is not making me happy...he's torn between me and this program. Please help me before I cause him to drink again.
A friend and I just had a similar conversation about married or committed couples having friends of the opposite sex. My perception is simply this-- If ANY relationship violates the integrity of your marriage, whether it be personal or business and the person who is not understanding of that violation, then there are deeper issues. I completely agree that people can have very good friends of the opposite sex. However, when those friends begin to interfer with the relationship, essentially become his/her first priority and she/he begins to push off nuturing or caring for their partner, that is where the line has been crossed. I can't put it any better way than that-- This isn't to say that the person who is insecure about the relationship is right, but it does show that if an effort isn't made on both sides to care for your relationship, whether it be marriage or just a commited one, then there are issues that must be dealt with-- leaving it go will only result in resentments and increased tension in the relationship. Both people need to have a deep understanding of eachother with mutual respect of eachothers feelings... After all, this is ther person we've chosen our life to be with isn't it? What is that statement concluding in marraige vows? "God joins them together, let NO man separate them."
Have patience and seek God in prayer--- It really sounds like the two of you love eachother, particularly hearing how much he was there when he drank. I know the feeling about that, as my ex boyfriend for the most part was with me too when he drank. However, I didn't like the lack of emotional bond we had during that time. Sure he talked to me, we laughed, could always go out and do things, but the intimacy wasn't there as I needed it to be. That is why I had to walk away. :( You need to determine what it is that YOU truly need to be at peace within yourself.
Thanks for sharing...I have not been in your situation specifically, but I hear it talked about a lot.
Are you able to go to Alanon meetings? It may help if you attend some meetings of your own. There are people who have been through what you are going through who can help show you the way.
Your husband does need his program. For a lot of people it is a lifetime commitment. Your marriage is also a lifetime commitment. It will grow and change, but it is a commitment nonetheless. My sponsor tells me that in a marriage we have three acres. He has his acre, I have my acre, and then there is the acre we tend together. His program is on his acre. Your marriage you tend together. Honesty will go a long way to helping you tend that common acre. Respecting his acre will help, too. And don't forget to respect and take care of your own! That is important, too.
In Alanon I have learned to work the steps in order. Working them is a process of learning about myself and what makes me tick so I can become the person I want to be. I can't give someone else what I don't have for myself. I try to be loving and supporting to others who are working their programs and wroking to become the best they can be. I have had to learn to do that in a way that doesn't put the other person before my own needs. It's a balancing act. Be honest about how you feel, be respectful, ask for help when you need it. You will both find a way through this.
Hi.... all very real stuff you are dealing with here, and not at all uncommon.... In a way, you are a bit "jealous of his program", to some extent, as his recovery program consumes more of his time, etc..
There is a great book on "life after recovery", entitled "Getting Them Sober", volume four, by Toby Rice Drews.... I would encourage you to read it, as it addresses many of the things you have brought up.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Firstly, there is nothing YOU can do to make your husband drink. Just as he couldn't make you.... If he CHOSE to go back to that hell, it would be his choice alone.
Six months sobriety is wonderful, congrats to him..but in the big scheme of things, he is probably still learning to live a whole different way. It's still to be leveled out :)
The reason that AA and Al-Anon say to have a same sex sponsor is because it is safe for both. I know this woman isn't his sponsor, but that same thinking kind of falls down the line with all of those in recovery.
There are many male recovering alcoholics he can give his service time to. It's just best and safest for everyone involved to keep it at a same sex level when going the extra mile. I guess all you could do is share your feelings with him, then let it go, remembering the 3 C's.
Good Luck Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am not in the same situation as my husband is in recovery. But I do know I had to stop going to one Alanon meeting in my area because a gentleman was being too attentive. I was pregnant at the time and I made it very clear that I loved my husband, but I felt uncomfortable with his xonstant suggestions to go out for coffee, and asking if he could call me.
My husband has played at AA often over the years, when I talked to him about it, he called it 13th stepping, and said that there are people out there that use both Alanon and AA as a dating service, een though it is discouraged.
Be honest with yourself and trust your own feelings. If you think you are just feeling a little jealouse of his program, try putting more time into yourslef and your program. If you do believe this woman is crossing the line, then maybe you should calmly speak to your husband about her. I have always been told that idealy service work should be done with members of the same sex. I would not have a problem with my husband spending time with women in a group, but the same woman too often alone would make me uncomfortable. It is very possible she is lonely and latching onto your husband, and that is not a good thing. It sounds like he is very devoted to you, so he might even feel better, nipping it in the bud before she gets the wrong idea.
Wow!!, when I read your post, I felt I had to reply right away to you.
I know exactly what you are feeling and going through.
About 3 years ago my husband decided it was time to stop drinking.He started going to AA meetings almost every night of the week. I was so proud of him,so glad he took the first step on his own to stop drinking and get help. I, like you, went to a few meetings with him but felt like I didn't fit in or belong there because I didn't drink and felt I didn't have anything in common to share with the others so I stopped going with him. He seemed real understanding of why I didn't want to go to the meetings with him anymore. He has a male sponsor,Yes, there are both women and men at the meetings he went to too, they all seemed fine, that they were just there for support from each other so I didn't think I had anything to worry about not going to these meetings with him.
One day the phone rang, it was a woman asking to talk to my husband, I asked who it was and she told me so and so from AA and she was wondering if my husband could pick her up for the meeting that night, I gave the phone to my husband and he said he would pick her up.I didn't think anything of it, then when he came home he said he had to give her a ride home too and she invited him in for coffee so they could talk about the meeting tonight and he said no he had to get home because he had to work in the morning.She started calling him at work to see how he was doing and if he was going to the meeting tonight and if she could get a ride.
I don't know where you are from, but here in IL once a week someone from the group will offer to have a meeting at their home and make a snack or supper for any member who would like to attend the meeting. This same woman who has been calling my husband all week for rides to the meetings called again on Thursday asking for a ride to Thursday nights meeting. Okay, now I'm getting alittle curious why she is calling MY husband for a ride to meetings every night when she has a car. They went to the meeting that night together too, she told him on the way home, that the Friday night meeting was at her house and she was making dinner for everyone, he agreed to go thinking everyone else was going to be there. I decided to go the meeting with him at her house Friday night, little did we know, he was the only one who got invited.She lived in a small apartment across town from where the meetings were held. When we got there she was making dinner, the table was set for 2, candles burning on the table and the whole 9 yards.She was dressed in a skimpy little outfit.I don't know who was more surprised when she opened the door, me or her and he wasn't alone! I wonder what she had planned for the evening? We immediately left there. I was so thankful I went that night.I don't know what she had planned or if she would have slipped something to him to make him have sex with her, you just never know. I trust my husband, we have a good relationship too and we talk about everything that bothers us. I was afraid to tell him how I felt all along just like you, thinking he would feel he let me down and stop going to the meetings and start drinking again so I kept it to myself and each night that he left to go to the meetings with her I was sick to my stomach til he got home and was with me again and not her!
My husband now goes to an all male AA group.It's safer for everyone. Like a few other people have mentioned, these are lonely X alcoholics looking for someone to make them feel good again.
Don't allow this to go on, you and your husband have been together too long to let someone like her interfer in what sounds like an awesome relationship together. Talk to your husband and explain to him that you are proud of him for what he is doing but you are uncomfortable with these women being there and him giving them rides and having things in common that you and him don't because you aren't a recovering alcoholic. She sounds like she has it bad for your husband, stop it now before something happens. If neccessary start attending the meetings with him again until he can find an all male AA group like my husband did.Go to the meetings and support him all the way, stand by him, hold his hand, do what you have to do to show these women he is here for help, not looking to get picked up by lonely women, show them how strong your relationship is.If your husband has been with you for everything else, he will support you on this too, It will all work out for you.Keep us posted on how things work out and his progress to the 12th step.
Ok, first things first.........you cannot cause him to drink again, just as you couldn't cause him to get sober. That's up to him.
Second, while you can't cause him to drink, you can hinder his recovery process if he feels his program time is affecting you negatively. The situation you're in is very very normal. The way you're feeling is very very normal. Now......what to do about it...
A lot of time, they have Al Anon meetings at the same time, sometimes even in the same building as the AA meetings. It would be great for both of you if when he goes to his meeting, you go to yours. This way he works on his recovery and you work on yours. You both get better and healthier together.
In order for him to stay sober, he needs to put his recovery first. That has to be a top priority for him. Now while you say when he drank he was home and spent more time with you, that may very well be true. But think about what he was doing to himself physically and try to decide in your heart which would you prefer? Him home with you and hurting himself? Or him spending time on his recovery and remaining healthy?
Many times once an A finds recovery, we feel they owe us all that back time that they used to spend on drinking/drugging. We feel slighted and resentful when they are now spending more time away from home and us while at meetings and doing program related activities. This is why it's so important for us to work our own program, preferable with our own sponsor. Otherwise what could very probably happen is the A's will continue to grow spiritually and we will continue to become more and more resentful. They will begin to feel like even sober (what we've said we wanted from them all along) they cannot please us. They are not good enough, etc. This type of situation isn't good for anyone in the family, the A or their loved one.
As for the lady in his meetings, if his involvement with her (while program related) is upsetting to you than I see nothing wrong with you sharing your feelings with him. Let him know that you aren't happy about him giving her rides. Then let him decide what to do about it from there. Also........if you happen to find an Al Anon meeting on the same nights as his, you could all ride together and that might help you with this situation.
Since you mentioned the Big Book I'm assuming you're familiar with it. Read and reread the chapter The family afterwards. This will help reassure you that what you are experiencing right now is perfectly normal under the circumstances.
Hope this helps.
__________________
Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
Welcome to Miricles in Progress!!! This is a great place where you can concentrate on you and beging to work a program of your own!!
You have come to the right place were there are many people who are or have gone through what you are going through. Here there is a group of people that understand what you are going through as few others can...
I am sure that I too would be jelous of the time and effort my A husband would put into his program should he ever find his way, but I also know how important it is just as my program is impotant to me. I need to work the 12 steps for my sanity and serenity too.
I am glad that you found you way here!! again welcome. There are many many loving supportive people here.
Hi and welcome. I hope you will find the support you are looking for I know I have. I will not give you advice regarding the situation with your husband as I honestly think the postings so far have been brilliant. The only thing I will say is go with your gut instinct here too often we ignore it and it is usually spot on. Have a great week. Luv Leo xx
Wow! I didn't expect to see so many replies and I thank you all for listening and lending your advice and support. I believe I will learn a lot here and plan to stick around.
SweetJill, It's sounds like you and I have very similar relationships with our husbands. Yesterday I picked my husband up after work, I did a lot of thinking after writing that post and felt I owed him an appology for the way I've been acting lately. I went from being his biggest support to his biggest complainer. I haven't been holding back or hiding my feelings, my husband knows everything that has been bothering me from the start, particularly this other woman. I have a hard time keeping things in. So after letting this all out and telling him I was sorry, he tells me, wait, before you appologize, there is something I need to tell you (he knew what my reaction would be) She called me at work today...I paused, thought ok, here we go again, what does she want now? She told him she was sorry for bothering him, she just moved here, doesn't know anyone. She said, I know I should be talking to females but I don't know anyone or have any numbers except for yours. Well, that's weird because she supposedly gets rides from a couple of the other ladies and it only took her one day (the first day she met my husband) to get his number. Anyway, back to feeling crappy again...She's telling my husband about her problems with her boyfriend, asking him if he thinks her boyfriend might be cheating or something. Then, after all the bad things she had to say about him, she asks, do you think your wife and you would like to get together sometime for dinner?
MAYBE, I'm over-reacting but this is really starting to upset me. First she needs a ride home, fine. Then she wants to know what other meetings my husband goes to so she can gets rides to and from, fine again, I'll deal with it. Then she wants to get a job at his work but again would need a ride back and forth...thankfully, it's not possible. As far as I know, she doesn't have a car? Her boyfriend does though so where is he all the time? Now she is calling him for that comfort and support I mentioned before that I can't deal with and asking us over to dinner. My husband thought I would be relieved to hear that...that she invited us both so her intentions are not what I thought. Of course she is going to invite us both, she knows that he's married and he's not going to come alone.
Last week I guess he had shared and mentioned my jealousy with the program. She was of course listening and afterwards asked if that was directed at her, asked if I was jealous of her. Great, she thinks I'm jealous of her. Women are not supposed to know these things, lol. I'm a female, I know this! He said, I thought you'd feel better knowing that she is worried that she is making you feel that way and wants to make sure it is not her. He told her no, it's not you, it's the program, that when he was drinking, he was home and now that he's trying to stay sober, he has to go out.
He feels like I don't trust him. But, his friends/my friends have always been "our" friends and that is the way it's been for almost 19 years. How can you change that now? I'm the type of person who thinks "would I allow my husband to do this?" and "would I be comfortable with it?" and if the answer is no, then I better not do it, either. So, with that said, I ask him the same...How would you feel if it was me? Would you be comfortable? His answer...I understand and it's completely normal for you to feel this way (he's done a lot of reading), I'd probably feel the same, but I don't know, maybe not. I'd have to be in that situation to say how it would affect me. Well, I know it would bother him except I wouldn't put him in that type of situation knowing how it makes me feel.
I've thought about going to meeting but this brings me back to missing him. He tries to make it to about 3 or 4 a week as it is, sometimes more (on top of a full time +hour job, this is their busy season) and if I start going to some myself, then we'll never have time together. There really isn't very many in my area, I think there is only 1 a week here so I would have to travel. I can't find any that are at the same time, same vicinity as his. On top of that, I'm not very good with crowds, I'm shy and just going to the AA meetings with him made me very nervous. My fear was introducing myself...and once I had to read from the 12 steps and traditions book, I nearly had a panic attack, lol.
I know that he needs this program and that is why I'm here, to seek help for myself. I didn't realize it was a lifetime commitment until I met some of the people in the program who had been going for years and years. That just goes to show there is a lot for me to learn.
It's nice to know that I'm not alone. My husband did have me read 'The family afterwards' and 'To the wives' in the big book which did help. It made me feel a little more 'normal' for feeling this way. I am definately jealous of the program, there is no doubt about that. It feels like he's in another relationship and he's having to balance out his time between us.
I'm not saying that I can make him pick up a drink just as I can't stop him if he does. There's been a lot of tension between us lately and I know I'm not making it any easier on him. He's constantly feeling guilty now when he leaves for a meeting. I don't even have to say anything, it must show on my face BUT I'm not trying to stop him from going. There will be nights where I say, do you want to watch a movie or something and he'll say...Well, I was planning on going to a meeting, I say...Oh, Ok, because he doesn't normally go to a meeting on this night and automatically he thinks I'm upset that he wants or needs to go.
I just want to thank everyone for their input, I'm new and already feeling at home. Just letting this out is a big relief. I have so much to be thankful for and I think I just need to focus on the positives and take this one day at a time. I do trust my husband, it may sound like I don't but my fear of losing him is more so in an emotional way, not physical, by any means. I truely believe we are soulmates and I would do anything and everything for him as I know he would for me.
There is so much more to tell and I hope to continue my stay here and share with you all.
Thanks so much for listening and welcoming me here.
Huummmm, this woman sounds like she is trying to get close to YOUR husband. What did your husband tell her when she asked you both to dinner? She's smart, she knows he is married and if being with him means you being along she will take it-for now. Be careful,I don't like the sounds of her and I don't know her. Don't trust her, it sounds to me like she is a player.She knows how to get what she wants.She's right, she shouldn't be calling him at work, she should be calling another woman, her SPONSOR is who she needs to be calling, NOT your husband and especially not at work(unless it is okay for him to get personal calls)even then she should call her sponsor. Is there really a boyfriend or is she just using him as another ploy for an excuse to talk to your husband about relationships so she can see how strong yours really is?
How did you husband react to you asking him how would he like it if the tables were turned and it was you giving rides to another man and him calling you at work for comfort and support? Has your husband ever given you reason to think he's ever cheated on you? or that he would ever cheat on you?It's wonderful that you and your husband are able to talk about things that are bothering you.If he knows this woman really bothers you, why doesn't he tell her it's not healthy for her to be calling him and trying to hangout with him, he is happily married and isn't interested in her. He is in this program to become sober and stay sober, not to be picked up or try to pick up women.Maybe she is getting wrong vibes from him-with your husband giving her constant attention at meetings,rides and listening to her problems etc, maybe she is thinking he is attracted to her? The mind works in mysterious ways-is he flirtatious? Some guys flirt without even realizing what they are doing or how the other person is reading him-my husband is like that, he talks in such a way that he comes off as a flirt but really he doesn't mean anything by it, it's just his way of getting to know people and getting them to like him.
Another thing is when they have parties and dances- go to them with him, don't let him go alone-I went to a Christmas party the AA group had and I was shocked at how these people act with each other! Women hanging on all the guys, guys trying to pick up a woman to go home with it was truly disgusting! I thought AA was to help people get sober and stay sober, not a place to pick up someone. I don't know if it's like that everywhere but the one's that I have been to with my husband disgusted me-we don't go to them anymore but he continues with his all male meetings 3-4 times a week, sometimes more if he feels he needs it and I don't have any worries of that woman being there with him, he's getting the help he needs and my mind is at ease too. Did you mention to him about an all male group?
I feel for you- I know you want what's best for your husband and you know his meetings are important right now but so is your marriage.Just keep reminding him how uncomfortable you are with her calling and being with him and see if there isn't an alternate solution so he is able to get the help he needs and you are at ease too.Even if you aren't comfortable, go to the meetings with him or drive him to them and pick him up so she isn't alone with him.
Sorry to cut this short, there is so much more I want to write but I have to get back to work.
Keep your chin up and your eyes open! You'll get through this and we are here for you 100%!
Keep posting, it's better to get out what is bothering you than to hold it in.
Well, for starters I tried deleting my account, thinking I could take back everything I said...but nope, didn't work- I'm stuck feeling like an idiot! Humiliation...I guess it's something we all have to face. I felt stupid for coming here, pouring out my emotions, in writing, after realizing last night that I'm the one at fault for turning this situation into something more than it was or should have been.
Thanks again for responding. I had it all wrong and today, I have a new outlook with a new attitude that I pray will stick and make me a better person.
On the way home yesterday, after once again, thinking all day and feeling guilty for my actions, I started brewing another arguement (not intentionally). I wanted to say I was sorry and explain myself but I'm famous for talking in circles so of course my reasoning led to another arguement. I didn't listen to my husband but yet accused him of not listening to me, not understanding how I felt. The only words I heard come out of his mouth was 'she called me'. Not what was important, like you were right (I heard it but not in the way he meant it). He knew it wasn't right, he knew he had to do something about it but when she said she was sorry, she had no one else to call (she doesn't have a sponsor) he did the right thing and let her talk and he listened. How selfish am I? More than I thought I was.
My husband is a very caring man, drinking or not, he's always reached out to the hand in need. He spoke with his sponsor and told him how I felt and asked what he should do. His sponsor advised him to let this girl know what is going on and that he would try to find her some females in the program to talk to. I guess I jumped too far ahead and all the 'what if's' attacked me. While I wasn't blaming the situation on him- I definately was taking it out on him. I need to learn to take this one day at a time. My husband does not deserve for me to be untrusting...There is not a day that goes by that he doesn't tell me that he loves me. I know that if he was put in the same position as your husband (jill) that he would do the same and for that reason alone, I shouldn't worry.
He also spoke with this girl last night, she already knew I was having a hard time with him working his program because of the time he has to put into it (he has shared this in meetings). He mentioned that some of this has to do with her, though...him having 'female friends' within the program because I don't really know them. She explained how she's the same way with her boyfriend and was telling my husband that he has to understand me. OOPS! So, here's where I start feeling really really stupid! But, I know that I have good reason to feel the way I do, or did...it is normal to react this way...and all I can do now is learn from this experience. I'm not saying that I'm healed and over it but I do think I'm jumping in a pool of water, when there's really only a puddle.
I ruined his 6th month anniversary and I can't give that back but I hope in some way I can make up for it. I realized that being jealous of this program is like being jealous of his higher power because that is what he seeks and finds in the meetings and for that I am ashamed and I pray for forgiveness. I think realizing this has opened a new door in my life and I'm hoping that this higher power is the one to answer it, just as he has for my husband.
Last night ended on a good note. My husband went back to the meetings after missing an entire week. He came home, we talked, hugged and he told me he'd help me get started in al-anon, go with me in the beginning so I'm not so afraid. I'm also going to go to one of his AA meetings, atleast once a week. I went to my first 'online' meeting this morning, although nervous, I shared and feel great. I hope to continue this way.
You and your husband sound like you have a very close relationship and can work out your problems with each other no matter how big or small they may be. I, like you, jump the gun right away and flap my yap before I think-lol I'm so glad you we're able to work this out and talk to him, even though it caused an arguement, sometimes that's what it takes to show one how serious of a deal it is and you will stop at nothing to let anyone try to come between you, that right there should show him how much you love him, if you didn't get jealous he would think you didn't care or love him-he was probably flattered by your jealousy towards this other woman although would not let you know it-lol He needs you by his side 100% to support him through this AA program so he is be able to go to his meetings and stay sober and you need him by your side 100% too, to be able to deal with this whole new life you and him are about to live and understand the program also.It will reassure you there is no one or nothing else he is interested in, only you and sobriety, with you being involved in Al-anon and attending some of his meetings. It will show this other woman too just how supportive you are of each other and her interferring only made you and him stronger and closer. It's great to have people to talk to and share your problems with and see what their input is so you know better how to deal with it, you aren't alone with the jealousy of this program and him meeting new friends of the same and opposite sex- as long as you are both open and honest with each other when you are feeling unsure of something or someone there won't be any reason to feel jealous or uneasy.Don't feel ashamed or humiliated with yourself for what you post-sometimes getting it in black and white and reading it over and over and seeing what other people share your same insecurities helps you to better understand this and know you aren't alone.
I've read so many post where people walk away because they can't deal with the change, the program, the devotion and time one has to commit to the program to make it work-I think that's wrong-unless they are in an abusive situation or they can't reason and come to a solution so everyone is happy- then I can see them walking away. But I think for the most part,if you are married and truly want whoever it is to stay sober, be it husband or wife, it's important to stay by their side and support them through whatever problems arise, not walk away.There is always a solution and you can't just give up and walk away without trying to work it out first and help them through it. My husband showed me he loved me and wanted to be with me and only me by going to the all male meetings-yours is showing you too by talking to his sponsor for advice and getting other women to talk to this woman so she doesn't have to come to your husband for comfort and support, he is getting you started with the al-anon meetings and willing to go with you and you to his meetings in return- like you said, you have been with him since you were 15, you're 33 now, I think you are soulmates too and will be together 'til death do you part'. You were meant to be, nothing and no one shall come between you, they can try but they won't succeed.I'm glad last night ended on a good note for you-this is going to be an all new way of living for you, it's better to get involved and try to understand it more than to ignore it, it won't go away unless your husband starts drinking again and we all know you don't want that-again you did the wise thing by getting involved in the programs yourself-your husband is one lucky man as you are one lucky lady on that note I will end.
I hope you will still post and visit the site and update us on your progress as well as your husbands.
God Bless You and many prayers be with you-be strong.
It's been really great talking to you, thank you for being here for me. You and your husband sound so much like us and honestly, I have never said that before to anyone. All of our friends here and the people we know have the weirdest relationships, lol and I just don't get it. Our oldest just turned 17 (yeah, we got going right away, lol) and she is in a relationship with her 'first' love and I try to teach her that relationships take time, they take a lot of work and they take a very strong friendship. You can't rush things, you have to constantly work things and communication is so important. If you only knew the things my husband and I have been through and survived, you'd be amazed. Did you ever see that movie Notebook? What a movie! We watched that together and my husband NEVER cried over a movie until he watched this one. He said to me, that was my 2nd favorite movie, I said, what was your first? He said, it hasn't been written yet...us. Talk about emotional, that was the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my life! We are indeed a rare couple and that which doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger (my husband's favorite saying).
Do you have any kids? We have 3 total, 2 girls 17 and 12, 1 boy who's going on 14 in Nov. It's great now because they are old enough that I don't need a babysitter anymore, lol. It was a long, hard journey to this point, though! Most people my age are just starting their families. Although, I wouldn't recommended starting as young as we did, it has had it's benefits.
I definately agree with you about the husbands and wives that end up leaving their spouse because of the program (unless of course it's an abussive situation-as you mentioned). I can understand it's difficult but if you truely love someone, you will do whatever it takes to make your relationship work no matter what obstacle, big or small, is thrown in your way. This is a time when 'we' need eachother the most. My husband made a really good point the other day. He said you don't want me to get that comfort and support from someone else but yet you are pushing me in that direction by not being there for me. He said, I've called my sponsor 2 days in a row and I have never had to do that before because I had you, you helped me through. He's right- I was his biggest support and I let my jealousy get the best of me. However, the thought of leaving him has never crossed my mind! I don't care what this takes...I'm sure there will be many more mountains to climb and ditches to fall into but I will never give up on him.
I still can't get over what happened to your husband, the nerve of that girl! I can just imagine the look on her face when you were standing there with him...ha, ha, that would have been a 'priceless' picture on the net, LOL. What did she say? That she forgot about having a meeting and was expecting her boyfriend? lol I'm so glad you went too because that is just SO WRONG! I can definately see there are some lonely faces in the program. My husband's father was one of them years ago! He tells me that's one reason why he didn't want to go to AA. He saw how his father used it as a pick up service and it disgusted him.
Do you mind me asking, what happened to your husband? Why did he decide to quit? Only answer that if you want to! I don't want to pry.
Well, I should end for now, it's friday and I have a ton to do today. I will definately keep in touch and hope you will too.
God Bless You and Your Family. Have a great weekend, take care!
Thanks, it's been great talking to you too-it's always nice when someone with similar problems as yours understands what you are going through and helps you to better understand this whole program with all it's goods and bads.
Let's see, for starters, my husbands job is a pretty stressful one- it requires alot of his time and he even goes back to work after hours just to be able to do the things he couldn't get done during the day because of the student help being there and using the computers. He has alot he has to enter into the computers everyday in order for his company to be able to operate properly the next day-his way of unwinding was to come home and have a 'couple' a 'couple' turned into a 'few',a few turned into a six pack, a six pack turned into a 12 pack and a few shots, a pint etc- add that all up everyday over a long period of time and we're talking alot of money-so much so that we fell behind on paying our bills, credit cards were maxed out,utility bills were behind etc etc. We both smoke too, so at $6.00 a pack times 2 people smoking 2-3 packs each a day, that's ALOT of money!!!I work fulltime and he does also and we still couldn't make ends meet-I tried to be nice and tell him that his drinking everyday was adding up and we were falling behind on everything.We had to file bankruptcy, there was no other option, we were so far behind on everything. It's hard to lose it all and have to start over when you had it all and almost paid for, then lose it all and start over-that's what triggered him to go to AA and I was behind him 100%. I could have walked away then, no bills, no payments,nothing, but there was NO WAY I was walking away from him when he was willing to stop, go to AA and start over...this was the man I married for better or worse, for richer or poorer and I was so proud of him and I love him with all my heart and soul-everyone has their downfalls and he was trying to get rid of his and become a better man and he has-he's a hard working smart man.I'm proud to say today we have a new home, 2 newer vehicles and we are able to make the payments and have money to spend on anything else we need. It was a long journey through the AA program-sometimes he wanted to say 'hell with it all' and start drinking again but then he would go to his meeting and come home feeling different-the AA program is a wonderful and helping program, alot of people wouldn't be able to make it without it.I told you it was 3 years ago for him, I was wrong, it's 5-I didn't realize it was that long until we were talking and he said can you believe it's been over 5 years since I had a drink! Time flies. You are right, you have many more mountains to climb, ditches to fall in, but never never never let him think you aren't behind him and the program 100%-you've already experienced one obstacle-the jealousy of another woman-there will be more to come but always remember to talk to him right away with anything that is bothering you, don't let it become a mountain, catch it while it's still a molehill-that's the one thing I've learned-but with me, I think with him going to the all male group, I don't have to worry about other women looking to my husband for comfort and support so the jealousy thing isn't there. Your husband sounds like a very brilliant man and he loves you to death and will do what he has to to prove he doesn't want or need anyone else in his life-but like he said, if you don't want him going to anyone else for comfort and support, you have to be there for him and help him through this program-and you are.I always say any man who cries over a movie has a soft spot in his heart-certain things make them think of mistakes they've made in the past perhaps? The Notebook-superb movie! I loved it.
We don't have any children-we never had any-I guess we got carried away in our careers and never took the time to stop and have children-you are very lucky to be so young and have your children almost raised-you and your husband can enjoy each other and maybe get away to someplace special one day once they are on their own this can be your way of showing him how proud you are of him for all he has done.
Oh yes, before I close-the night we BOTH showed up at this other womans apartment for what was supposed to be a group meeting-when we knocked on the door, she said 'come in', I walked in first of course and when she was standing by the candle lit table set for 2, half naked, I think all of our jaws hit the floor-lol I don't know who said what first, but I said 'I think we should leave as my husband was mumbling something and already headed for the door- she just kept saying 'I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, he was just so nice to me'-I wanted to turn around and kick the living shit out of her-lol but I was the 'bigger man' and I walked out the door.As soon as I got in the car, we got into a fight, I thought he knew about it and that they had something going on, he kept telling me over and over, 'NO it was supposed to be a group meeting, there is NOTHING going on between us- that caused many many fights between us over the next few weeks- he missed many meetings because of my jealousy and thinking they would be together and that's when he joined the all male group that someone told him to check in to. I guess she has been working her way through all the guys at the other AA group my husband belonged to-if she is that desparate for a man that she has to pick them up at AA, married or single, she has issues other than drinking.I see her every now and then and she won't even look at me-I just walk by like she doesn't bother me.
Time to get back to work, it's busy here today and it's taking me forever to finish this
You have a wonderful weekend and try to take in one of your husbands meetings with him or take him out to someplace special to eat and tell him you want to celebrate his 6 month anniversary being sober and your new beginning with the program.
on that note I will end.