Hi CDB

 

(((((((((CDB)))))))))

You are a wonderful mother, daughter, wife and friend.

You have listened and shared and helped many people.

I lived with my husband of 14 years who was very emotionially and verbally abusive.

Even months after I left, we had a talk, and discussed his awful words, his justification, well they are all true! It seems my husband knows just what buttons to push to upset me.

I too struggle with my weight. I had done well over the last few months. Then I had my last business trip with long hours and room service 3x a day, so I gained some back. I can start over losing any time and I am. Your weight is your business and not your husbands. He has no right to take your inventory.

 

I am going to say something and ignore it if you need to.

When you were at your parents for a month and then came back here your frame of mine and outlook were much more positive. I am sorry to hear about your lack of support at home.

I am hear to listen

 

Take what you like and leave the rest

 

Megan

Oh my dear, if there were only something I could say to make it all all right. My own Mom suffered from Alzheimer's, and I understand the heartbreak in losing a mom you need very badly. I am so sorry that you are facing these problems without the support of your husband. I will keep you close in my prayers. My positive thoughts will be in your direction.

With sincere caring and love, Diva

cdb, first of all I want to give you hugggggsss.  Let me tell you a little story.   I struggled throughout most of my life with being overweight-- at one time even 100 lbs overweight and in turn, lost practically all of it just so that I could feel accepted.  Why?  Because society does that to everyone-- commercials and everything you see shows that thin is in.  However, if you think of the percentage of people that aren't thin, but rather not at their ideal weight, I'm certain it would out number the people who are-- Why?  Because again, society encourages this, the fast food restaurants that take advantage of people who are too busy too cook and yes, nobody takes into consideration the medications that contribute to that, nor the stress hormones.  Do you know that our bodies produce a stress hormone that actually contributes to weight gain?  I haven't looked completely into this, but I just heard something on this not too long ago.  I found it interesting because I always know when my life is not balanced because I gain weight, even if my eating habits do not change.  In turn, this is what I learned in having gained about 20-25 lbs since the breakup with my ex boyfriend. 

I took ALL of my clothes that I kept holding onto because of my up and down weight of this 20-25 lbs and packed them up.  The closer I became to God, the more comfortable I became with myself-- no matter what society says we should look like or how we should be OR whatever another person says we should look like or be.  If someone else has a problem with us, it is because the have a problem with themselves.  Remember this....   People ONLY see in others what it is that is part of them.  So, your husband says you can just lose the weight--  do you say to him, well you can just stop drinking?  (I do believe your husband is an A)  If not, I apologize.   I know you struggle with your daughter, but don't recall about your husband.  I'm finding the memory goes as I'm getting older. 

So, if this is the case-- each time your husband says something about that, just simply return your statement to him, "Well, you should just be able to stop drinking", then walk away and detach.   Screw it!  Pardon me, but I've lived ithat life where I always had to worry about how or what I looked like to be accepted even by my ex husband.  Always thinking he'd leave me if I didn't look my best and crap like that.   I'll let you in on a little secret--    God doesn't care what we look like.  :)  Just remember that and whenever someone is telling you ANYTHING about how you look or degrading your character, remember that it's THEM that will have to deal with God, not you and then turn your focus to God, who loves you more than anyone possibly could.  That's really ALL that matters...   Sure, I have my moments where I would like to be thinner, as I was at one point, but I have come to realize that my relationship with God is MUCH more important than with anyone else and if God accepts me, to hell with them, which is exactly where they will be going if they continue to be critical and unaccepting of others, loving them for who they are, rather than what they see or what they want them to be.  Give it ALL to God and know that He is the ONLY one that you need to keep in check with in accepting yourself.

Hang in there.....   I know how tough that can be.  I have to say that when I left my abusive relationships that was the one thing that I feel so much more relaxed with is myself, my appearance, even though a bit heavier.  God made me this way and that's all that matters.  :)

HUGGGGGSSSSS

-- Edited by sanddie at 10:17, 2005-10-25

cdb:

One other thing I wanted to share... I know you love your husband and your daughter.  Additionally, you pray with all that is in your heart that God helps your marriage because you know miracles can be performed.  Just wanted to share another little story with you based on my experience in my last relationship.

During our on/off typical alcoholic relationship, I found myself praying so much that God mend our relationship, heal it and keep us together forever.  After praying and praying so much with nothing changing, it finally occured to me.....

Just think about this-- and I'm NOT saying it is the case with you, but this is what I found.

Here I was in this alcoholic relationship, praying for a healthy, normal, compassionate, loving relationship.... yet nothing was changing, it continued to stay the same, if anything got more disrespectful and less compassion for eachother.  After about 2 years of back and forth prayer with so many tears at times where I felt I would just died-- something clicked....  I realized why nothing was changing.....

I was in a relationship that I shouldn't have been in-- how do I know?  Because my inner peace was gone and my connection with God was weakening.  We were unequally yoked and it wasn't healthy for me or him for that matter and even the children involved.  In turn, as I thought about this more it occured to me that here I was praying for something that perhaps wasn't part of God's plan and I was just so stubborn to make it His plan.   Essentially, I was praying as an alcoholic or a drug addict would pray for more alcohol or drugs--- I was praying for a relationship, rather than for myself to have God help ME strengthen MY relationship with Him.  Because once we have that, the answers come to us.  They might not be clear initially, but they come.  So ya know that song by Garth Brooks, Unanswered Prayers?  Sometimes, our prayers aren't answered because God has a MUCH LARGER and WONDERFUL plan for us than we can imagine.  Whether it be here or in eternity-- just focus on your relationship with Him, gain that strength so that everything else around you just falls into place. 

Ultimately, He will bring people into your life who will help you through-- For each negative person, He offers a positive person to offset the BS.  I see it everyday.  I know, I know-- it's so much easier to focus on the negative because THAT is what we are used to, but remember this-- that is EXACTLY what Satan wants... Why?  To keep us from building our relationship witih God so that His plan isn't successful. 

:) 

-- Edited by sanddie at 10:13, 2005-10-25

cdb - I am sending hugs to you.  I don't post often but I do come here and read and your posts have enlightened me to many things.  It is about who you are inside.  Don't let him degrade you - no human being has that right.  You are a wonderful person and that is what is important.

Thank you so much for your replies. I woke up earlier, not much sleep and came to the meeting. I called some eating disorder places and the one  feasable place in my community only has inpatient for anoerix and bulemics.  Gees if I had those I wouldn't be so darned big. I went to a place before in Kansas but do want to stay around  home for my family/ parents. I finally called a mental health facility for the outpatient depression program from 9am to 3pm. They are calling back about an opening on Thursday to do an intake. I need to deal with this upset I am feeling over my mom and dad's  failing health and awful non-support from my spouse too. I guess that facility would be a start. I just feel so lost right now. I just want to be hugged and told that I am loved by my spouse like I so deserve. For some reason (his issues) he just can't do it now. Here I go crying again. My husband is not an alcoholic but his dad was one. His dad would cut down and make fun of overweight people and that is one legacy he passed on to his son! Oh, how my spouse has gotten so much like his dad! I wanted to go to this pain clinic but I guess I can do that another time once I get my mental health in check. Afterall, I did really want to do myself in last night. I don't have any reason to get out of bed anymore. I really don't. So this route may be what is needed now. Thanks again for the replies. They help me to see things differently along with knowing I am not alone. I did tell my husband one day in a nice way, just close your eyes and don't look at me if it bothers you so much and get to know the person I am inside. He just laughed about that like that was the stupidist thing I ever said. I didn't think it was such a bad idea. WEll back to the 3 Cs. He has his own issues. I can only change me. Thanks again,,,cdb :)

Hi Cdb,

I'm glad to see that you are looking into things to do for you. You do deserve to be hugged and you are loved.(((((Hugs))). I know these don't replace those of your spouse, but keep remembering that those are his issues, not yours.

My Brother-in-law, was a very large man. At his biggest he was almost 500 lbs. My sister married him this large and has adored him every day. I have always thought of him as a big teddy bear, with a heart even larger than he is. In fact everyone my whole family and our friends think as muck. He is kind, loving and just wonderful, he treats my sister and their children like gold. I have always told my sister that she was the luckiest woman in the world and she agrees. Years ago someone very rude asked my Mother what her pretty daughter was doing with someone like him. My Mom summed it up easily, she said every woman should be as lucky. He has since lost weight, he had to, his knees where giving out on him and he was only 45 and having heart problems. He did it so he could continue living. 200 lbs lighter, he is still the same man. If he gained the weight back, my Sis might get on his back becasue of his heart, but the person inside him would still be the same. I know a lot of skinny creeps. It is the size of a persons heart that counts, not their body. I don't know what you look like, or what size you are, and I don't really care. I do know from your posts, that your heart is huge, and that is what really counts.

                               love Jeannie

OH sweetheart, shaking head here. I want to be there. Remember he is focusing
on you becuz he cannot stand to look at his own inventory.

How dare anyone judge you. I have been where you are cdb. It took me a year at
least to love me just how I am.

I am fortunate becuz my husband, bless his heart, has always loved me, and been
attracted to me fat, skinny, pg what ever.

I am now pretty much only big in my tummy from the dang ibs bloating but am not a
small gal. Short but 22 on top and 16-18 on bottom. onea those flat butts...sigh I am a
muscular farm lady with rosie cheeks!! LOL

Did you see the movie, "Babe" with the pig. I love the farmers wife. I am not like that
at all but I think she is so cute!!

Once I heard someone say, "whatsa matter? Am I taking up too much of your space? "

lol

There is nothing more beautiful in the world than having loved ones who love you just how you are and would not change a thing. Total acceptance, total unconditional love. And
ya know how people get this way? FROM LOVING THEMSELVES.From being
thankful for the creator giving them what they have.

Ok so honey YOU gotta love YOU. To H with him. I mean it.

I have a huge post to write but do not have time. But to put it short my A and I are
taking care of his mom who has ended up in a nursing home. The sister is a meth
addict who is putting us thru h.

she yelled at me and called me a fat cow or b, can't remember. I said, "hey this fat cow
has a new house with five acres, cats dogs a horse and I am happy, what do
you have?"

Then she flipped me off. I just sorta was like oh ya that hurts so much...geez. I had told
her she had a filthy mouth....f word alll the time. I am such a earthy person. she
could not get to me. pissed her off.

Your inner strength, your love for you is what changes you. I have seen gorgeous
young girls at OSU when I was in school in my fourties who hated themselves! eating
disorders are rampant on campus.

Loving you has nothing to do with size or if you have hands or if you are blind or
if you have been horribly burned!!

I know i am not the perfect size whatever. I don't care. I work on being healthy.

But I thank my hp all the time for giving me, me. Gads people are changing their noses, cutting off their tummies, doing bariatric surgeries to lose weight. I know some health
wise may need to.

He has no self love Cdb. if he did he would not want to hurt you like this.

We don't love someone for how they look, we love their heart, then we love their
crooked teeth or funny smile. My A is so skinny, but all i see is the man I love.

we cannot change others remember? We can only change us.

I worked on my self talk, said I am ok just how I am. if a bad thought came, I said stop and put that in again.

I began wearing pretty dresses again and perfume and bath powder and lotions.
Began loving being a woman. Got myself neat hippie type or natural
jewelry. Really worked on my femininty. It made me strong. I started to
know and love me. I know me. I love flowers, gardens and kids. the sky and
hearing my piggies snore.....

hey I have pet pigs girl. I walked one once and these kids went by and said, "Look
two pigs.....I was devistated. NOw I would just ignore them.

I used to think I was too fat for sex, too fat to smile, too fat to live.

Was awful.

I dive into life. I love my home, my silly stinky dogs, my horse and farm pig who
keep being partners in crime breaking into the feeding area....lol

I love my beautiful white turkey, FeeFee. My A husband has learned to talk to her by whistling.

It is so cute, she is now in love with him.

My point is i do for ME. I do what makes me happy. It does not matter to me what
anyone thinks of me. The only ones I want to please are my creator and his son.

I tell ya, a smile, a listener, a person who cares, is more beautiful than some
self absorbed Barbie doll.

I am amazed how nice people are to me. I smile a lot cdb. I look at people in the eye.
They talk to me all the time. I mean strangers. I know I love people who are
smiling and laughing and warm. i don't even think about how big they are
or are they gay or are they A.

It is harder right now to deal with this evil crap you are getting. I know believe me
Dealing with the Altzheimers is so hard. Watching Rick's mom go further and
further into wonderland is pretty awful. MOre for my husband.

I just joke with her and enjoy her as she is. She is delightful to me. This silly little thing
climbed out her window and tried to climb the fence to get out of the nursing home!
She wanders all over looking for her grandson.

My dad is critical too. that is his problem not mine. He never says it outloud, but he has never told me he is proud of me, never. My mom always did.

I went back to college in my fourties, have my own home, stayed in my marriage
he does not see anything but how i made bad decisions.

Anyway lady, pray to hp. Tell yourself you are a beautiful caring woman.

if you want to write out how you feel to him. give it to him or not. But you tell him
you love you just how you are. You tell him YOu can take your own inventory
thank you. don't let the disease getcha down, or him. If he feels that way, he does,
so what?

If my husband was like that, he would not be here, and I could not love him. i
would not care what he thought. i only care what people who really love me think.

and then I don't change anything for them either. but they think only positive of me
as I do them. Those are the ones that matter.

I always put on here,"does not matter what anyone thinks of you, but me!!"" hahaha

glad you wrote, keep coming back. wish I could come look him in the eye and give him
H. in a way that was ok i mean>>>>>>

I know we wish, we wish, wish. But things are the way they are. We can
only change us. And it feels good to do so.

So honey whatcha going to do first?? STOP making excuses for your weight, your face

There is NO convincing him of anything.

I would say if you don't love me how I am, then we have nothing. And i would make a boundary that taking your inventory is totally off limits.

love you sweetie,
debilyn

I have read all the posts, clearly it has says, that you are not a loser. Sometimes getting a "kick in the butt" may it be from a loved one. a friend, or an alanon member can motivate us to "get off the pity pot" and get on with life.We need to take care of ourselves,,do whatever it takes to make "us" happy. We do this for no one else but for ourselves, period. I hope you joining  whatever group it may be is for you and you alone. As you are the only one that can do something about your situation. Sounds to me you are on the right track,,,,good luck....gardengal

(((cdb))) Thanks for sharing what is going on. I've always admired your strength and your willingness to help others. We all have our troubles, and I know I always appreciate seeing people around me admit their troubles and ask for help. Reasoning things out with others is a great program tool :) I find once I "get it out there" and get some feedback, I can often see more clearly what I need to do.

It sounds like you're feeling ovewhelmed - you've got a lot going on! The saying about "how do you eat an elephant? - one bite at a time" comes to mind. Maybe, try to keep it simple. Can you break down what is in front of you into more manageable pieces? I agree with the others that taking care of yourself is really important. Is there one thing you can do for yourself today? Pick something, and do it. Tomorrow, pick something else. Remember to reward yourself for the good you do.

Your husband isn't your HP. I know sometimes in my marriage I have prayed for things to be better - ie, for my husband to change his ways. But when I do that I hand my power over to my husband to dictate my happiness, and that never works. Ask your HP for guidance, cdb. Ask him to show you the way. He may show you a way you had never thought of before.

Kristen

Wow CDB..... first of all, look at all the responses here - look at how many people here who love and care about you..... who KNOW you are worthwhile, and care very much about you...

I obviously can't speak for your hubby or your dad, but "people", whether they have addictions in their lives or not, are not perfect and may have difficulty in dealing with a wide variety of problems...  Your hubby could simply be mean-spirited, or he could in fact, love you and is worried about you, and simply doesn't have the skillset to deal with this in a more healthy manner... 

Regardless, your post speaks volumes, and it is mostly about your self-esteem, and what you feel about yourself...  Your physical appearance is one small portion of the total YOU, and if "you like you", then others will follow....  I would encourage you to write out lists of things you DO like about yourself first....  Think of all the wonderful compassion you have for people - the things that make your heart feel good inside....  think of all your good qualities, and write them down....

After the first part, then perhaps you can write out a short list of things that you would like to improve in your life (within your control), and please be sure that these are YOUR needs and desires, as opposed to society's or your husband's, etc....  Then you can map out a workable plan for how you are going to achieve these goals.... one step/day at a time.....  Please remember to set small, achievable goals....

These are important issues to address CDB, and really within YOUR control to do something about....  Only YOU can determine the right answers, for you, on the questions around weight or physical appearance....

I would also encourage you to consider reading daily affirmations (can find them online, or in most CODA literature, etc), and pick one a day that is applicable to you....  You ARE very worthwhile, in God's eyes, AND in the eyes of many friends and family....

Take care

Tom

Cdb,

Get ahold of yourself here, girlfriend. It is not up to your husband, or you for that matter, to decide that you are a person whose life has "very little meaning." The meaning of your life is up to your Higher Power to decide, and your job is to maximize whatever mental and physical health and strength you have to stick around as long as possible in an effort to find out what that meaning is. God's will, not thine, be done.

Do you think it is God's will for you to live in darkness, sadness, letting someone else make you believe you are unworthy of goodness? I do not believe that for one second. He wants you to enjoy the sunlight, to smile, to feel free and deserving of good things and beauty, even if you are physically limited, and whether your alcoholics and others in your life are in their disease or not.

My sponsor tells me that sometimes the only thing someone has to give us is a lesson in how not to be. Take that lesson from your husband, be grateful that is not the only kind of lesson you are equipped to teach, and live for yourself with the effervescent and beautiful spirit inside you that has rescued and welcomed me more times than I can count.

You are so valuable. You are such a precious child of God. I do not know what to say about the things your husband says to you except to make the observation that there is more than one type of blindness, and he is afflicted with the very worst kind. What a sad way to have to live. Thank goodness you do not have to live that way!

I love you and I want you to tap into your HP's beauty, acceptance, strength, and care, because that is what you deserve. Keep your trust and faith where it belongs, and keep coming back.

Love,
Emmie

((((((((((((((((((cdb)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) i want you to stop your negative thinking for just a second and LOOK at all the replies you got. we all love you so much. when i first came here and i met you and read your posts i wanted to be like you. so happy, so together. look back at your old posts, think about whats changed. i am so sorry for what you are going through and i wish i could give you a real hug. i want you to know that even though i dont know you in person you are still someone who is very special to me. you are usually in chat when i need to talk and you have always been there listening to me and my problems and helping me through them and making me laugh. i look forward to talking to you when i come into chat. you really are a beautiful person. im glad you are seeking help, your life has a whole lot of meaning, even if you dont see it now you will. hope to talk to you soon luv ya and tc of yourself please.

CDB,


All I can do is (((((((HUG))))))))you. You are not worthless. This I know because you've always been very caring to me and picked me up when I was down. It looks like you're taking some steps already to help yourself. Keep it up cuz you're worth it.

Love ya,
Whitie

cdb wrote:

---

:( If any of you could make my mom not have alzheimers or take way my dad's parkinsons and congestive heart failure, I could be happy again.

---

*********this program teaches us that in order to have peace and for our lives to be manageable, we have to accept life on lifes terms.  That's where the serenity prayer comes in......

God grant me the serenity to accept the fact that my mom has alzheimers and my dad has parkinsons and heart failure (the things I cannot change)

The courage to face both of these challenging issues with your strength, compassion, love and the peace that passes all understanding which only you can give (change the things I can....your reaction to your parents illnesses)

And the Wisdom to know the difference.  (you cannot change what is wrong with your parents no matter how much you want to)

On a personal note, my both parents past away from illnesses when I was just 18 years old.  I had a 1 year old daughter, was an only child and never had to fend for myself in this world.  Until they died.  I felt like someone thrown into the middle of the deepest ocean who didn't know how to swim.  It was an extremely difficult time for me.  I'm 37 now and still thinking back to that time is hard for me.  I was so depressed and so desolate inside when they died that I honestly didn't care if I lived or not.  The only thing that kept me going was my daughter during that time.  Bad things happen to good people.  Our situations and misfortunes don't dictate who or what we are inside.

Thanks for sharing. It was a good share. I don't have my husband saying anything about my weight I however have me always focous on my weight.

 

CDB ,many many many (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

wow I relate to how you are feeling inside!!!! But you know how you and the rest of us feel about loosing dadrrb? That's exactly how we'd feel loosing you too. Please, don't give up! I KNOW it's soooo hard to get up because I feel like that to a lot of the  time! But you are such a kind and caring person and I know that all you want is the pain of the 'now' to go away, it's too hard to deal with, especially without support at home. But , take it one millisecond at a time if you have to and know that God will be carrying you along in His loving arms right now. He tells us that he'll carry us 'thru' not keep us 'from' going thru pain. It's easier to tell someone this than to see it while going thru it. But everyone here is on your side CDB. We all love you and see the truly wonderful loving person you are! Go to that program, I've been to one like that and it was most helpful to me! You'll make some wonderful friends in there too. And most likely help them out too knowing you like we do!!!! You know you couldn't NOT help them , that's just the person CDB is and WE Know it!!!!!!!!!

I wish for you that your spouse would become the man that his HP wants him to be and realize that his wife is a wonderful caring human being and how loving she is and what a wonderful woman she is , the gift God has given him for his lifetime! So many don't know what they have till it's gone...I pray that he sees you thru God's eyes!

Love ya girl,

Jonibaloni21 take care of our CDB please