Hi ya'll,

I'm new to these boards, this site was suggested to me by someone in a f2f al-anon group.  I'm so glad she directed me here, I'm seeing more of myself as I go through all the posts.

Reading through the posts, I keep seeing "esh" mentioned.  I've been struggling to figure out just what it stands for but cannot come to a conclusion.  Someone mind helping me out?

On to my story, I'm engaged to a "recovering" A.  We've been together for almost 2 years and have a 7 month old daughter.  I'm attending f2f al-anon meetings which are really seeming to help.  Just started reading "Codependency No More" today and already I'm seeing myself described to a "T".  The A had the first relapse after 13 months the 24th of September and pulled another doozy October 1st.  The cops were called because he was refusing to let me and the baby leave, my mother was on the cell phone and heard what was going on so she called.  If not for al-anon, I don't think I would have had the courage to insist on leaving.  Luckily, I'd just come home from a f2f meeting, had told at the meeting what was going on at the house and a gracious member offered for me and the baby to stay at their guest cabin if things weren't better when I got home.  I honestly don't know what I would have done without that safe place to go to.  I'm thankful because having him wake up alone the next afternoon seemed to have made him think a good bit.  Now I just have to work on me and my program, despite the fact that he's not really working on his own.

I'm finding it really hard to let go of the pain dealt to me during his episodes.  It was never physical pain, although things got broken, thrown, etc.  I know it wasn't him, that it was the disease.  But it doesn't seem to lessen the bad feeling it left me with.  Hopefully, with me continuing on working my program, I can learn to let go of the resentments.

I've got the same screen name both here and over on the AA boards.  He has been coming up with questions as he thinks about starting his steps, so I created an account over there first so he could ask his questions.  Then I asked myself why I should seek help for him and not for myself, so that's when I came over here to join.  So if you see FreeOfTheBottle over on the AA boards, it'll be me posting something for him.  Over here, it's just me. 

Thanks for listening, I hope to continue learning from all ya'll here.