New 2 group & in a birthday conundrum! - Al-Anon Family Group

sandy70 · Member

New 2 group & in a birthday conundrum!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Sandra welcome to MIP and a Belated Happy Birthday

It is indeed painful living with the disease of alcoholism. I am glad you found us and would like to suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community. Help in finding such a meeting can be found: following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

In alanon we believe that each person has the answers for their lives deep within there own hearts. So that we each learn how to reach the answers that are right for us, we do not give advise --instead we share our experience , strength and hope with each other so that we can identify with each other and develop insights into what is the right path for us. I urge you to try our program and keep coming here,

Breaking the isolation, keeping an open mind, learning to focus our energy on ourselves, living one day at a time, are some of the tools that enabled me to begin to find my voice, and acknowledge my needs.

It is obvious you are a kind generous, compassionate person, who needs to act and not react on this . his birthday I would think about the best use of the money and then go forward.

Keep coming here.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Sandy,

Happy Belated Birthday and welcome to MIP! I am so glad you are here. Please stick around and get to know us awhile. When I was new it was so helpful for me to read old posts here on the boards to get a general understanding how many people here use the tools of the alanon program in their lives.

What comes to mind for me is the 3 C's of Alcoholism:

You did not Cause It

You cannot Control It

You cannot Cure It

For me I could no more prevent my AH from drinking than stopping the waves in the ocean from crashing into the shore. True progress in my life began when I started attending face to face alanon meetings, getting a sponsor, and be willing to work the steps. I have been in the program for some time now. It has changed me and the relationships with the alcoholics in my life tremendously in a good way.

So, please keep coming back. This place is a wonderful place for comfort, understanding and support. We refrain from advice giving, only share our experience, strength and hope of the alanon program.

In support,

Tommye

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Sandra - welcome to the board. My ex-ah went hunting on my birthday - every year we were married (only 3), he went hunting because, "he told me he was a hunter and it was the only thing important to him". Boy he wasn't kidding - even unemployed with no income he went hunting. This year I didn't even get a phone call or text acknowledging my birthday (which I spent alone after working all day and setting a trapped skunk free). But - let me forget HIS birthday and see what happens. For my ex-ah the entire world lives to serve him, revolves around him and what he wants. When we did do something for my birthday the night was all about him. Every holiday spent with him revolved around doing everything his way and it was hard having to act happy through it all so as not to spoil the day and hear about it at the next fight.

I echo Betty - what's the best use of the money?

rrib · Senior Member

You wrote ' I told him that I was "done".' Really?

I like to watch the tv show Intervention. Ever see it?

When the older guy talks with the family members one of the lines he uses is 'This is DONE'. And then states that he will do anything in his power to help the addict/alcoholic get better BUT will not do one more thing to help any of this continue. And when he says it, the whole room can feel the commitment in his voice and there's no question that he really means it. Done is done. I'm not having it anymore. The show's on netflix - all 131 episodes.

Of course, not eveyone listens.

Welcome to the board. Glad you're here.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Rrib, I like Jeff V on that show for whom you referred to. He keeps it short and sweet. That is his strength.

sandy70 · Member

Thank you so much Betty for your guidance and welcoming advice. =) I will browse the link you provided and try to find a group near me. The only problem is my AH's work hours and dependence on my being here when he gets home. I have to be prpared for good days and bad days if I attend meetings and I know that he will not attend AA meetings already, let alone an Al Anon meeting with me. He feels like he can do it without meetings and a larger support network which is not true. He is still in denial that it is a problem that he alone cannot control. I will concider it nonetheless and have been for some time now. Over the last few months I have bee becomming more acclimated to doing for myself, nurturing my own soul and taking my focus off of my AH a bit. Baby steps are better than standing in one place, right! Lol! =)

Thanks again

Sandy

sandy70 · Member

Hi Tommey and thak you for you responce, welcome and birthday wish. I can appreciate that the group doesn't give advice per-sey as all situations are entirely different and it is detrimental to be precice in some. I am really happy to have found this group. I have a lot to share, both experiences and some wisdom I've picked up along the way. Alcoholism is a disease it is not the person. I just need support to keep ME grounded, lol. Al Anon meetings to me would be wonderful, I just need to find a good way to break it to my AH without him taking it personally. He is still in denial and doesn't believe in meetings. We both need support for it to work, I realize that...He thinks he can beat it on his own.

sandy70 · Member

Hi Anatole and thank you. Wow...sounds so familiar. It is all about my AH too, but then something clicks in him (Usually when he's stayed clean and sober for a looooong stretch and can see through the haze of his world. When he is good he is very, very good when he is bad...well...I can see, you know the rest. ;) I'm glad you found your freedom. I am on the fence right now. I want to give him a chance to do the right thing but I know that the chance of a repeat for some minor reason like too many bills due, got in a fight with a coworker, etc...will happen again. Mine wouldn't tell me that something else is more important but he doesn't have to. My Aunt was married to a man who would tell her she meant nothing to him. It's a hard road to hoe and yet difficult to turn and walk away. I don't worry about me if I leave, I worry about him. Ultimately it's my decision and his. I can go either way right now and he knows it and he also knows that I don't want him to change for me...it won't work that way. I would rather he make a decision and walk away a free man if he chooses to drink and get help if he chooses to stay sober. We'll see. I tend to agree with you and Betty...Where can the money be useful? If it goes to him he will be thrilled for a day then forgotten the next.

Thanks Anatole

Sandy

sandy70 · Member

Thank you, lol! I hear ya. If i was truly "done" I suppose I wouldn't have even asked the question I posted. I have seen some of the intervention episodes and they are really good. I Have been feeling and acting differently since I told him I was done. He no longer knows how much money i have or where it's going, I don't ask his opinion on anything anymore, I just do it. I do what i know needs to be done and that's it. It's just weird for me in this situation because I do still care about him...I just don't want to enable. I refuse. Thank you for the welcome and you will see more of me here. Promise! I'm so happy I found the group and look forward to learning, sharing and making new friends.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Thats a lot to work through. At one time the ex A and I managed to do birthdays. As his disease progressed that went out the window. He found ways to be quite skillful about it.

I think there is some part of this disease that takes over and somehow those things that are progressively self destructive seem to become pretty tantalizing for them. I don't doubt for one minute the ex A wanted to give me a nice birthday, the disease tempted him into going off with his friends and drinking. He'd use the excuse that I was "mad" at him and he was "showing" me.

People pleasing was and is a huge issue for me. I felt wonderful when I did for others. Behind that wonderful was of course all these needs that I was supressing. I could make great parties for others but not for myself.

What about doing something entirely for you? Of course you want "him" to be there but if he's an alcoholic you don't much know if he "can" be there.

What would be a single celebration for you that's liveable.

I spent so many years absolutely desolate that the ex A couldn't be "there". I would be in that cycle of rescue, hope, believe, devastated, angry, revengeful, attack, regret, make it up, resent....it went on and on and on. I could never break off to take care of me.

Maybe you can. Its a one step at a time thing.

Maresie.

rrib · Senior Member

You wrote 'he will not attend AA meetings already, let alone an Al Anon meeting with me.'

Doesn't matter what HE does. Al-Anon is for YOU.

Al-Anon is for people who have a drinker in their lives. It's not for the drinker.

If he sobers up Al-Anon would be good for you. If he doesn't sober up Al-Anon would be good for you.

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have a life. You deserve to be able to leave the house for an hour. If you're going to an Al-Anon meeting or to a friend's for coffee or to the mall to go shopping really has nothing to do with him.

sandy70 · Member

Thank you for your post Maresie. Your ex sounds familiear too and you sound like a clone of me, lol. My AH used to pick a fight on every special occasion and blame it on me then drink at home or leave to drink, complaining to his buddies the whole time. I think I loved the attention he got from them. Sometimes the arguments were so absurd and obviouse that it was rediculous. He still does it from time to time but catches himself and stops before it gets too far. I agree with the visious cycle of emotions...that's what i'm going through right now. But this time it's a little harder to forgive. Each time it is and I almost pray for the day I just can't, or won't forgive and that's sad for me to come to grips with, you know? He is trying...so am I. I have decided hough that i need to care about me, think about me and take care of me becuase he surely won't. I stay hoping for the good hubby to stay 100% but I know deep down that that may never happen.

I think, for me, I may take a friend window shopping and to lunch for my AH's birthday. I could use the friend time. I know there's an art festival not too far from hear and I've missed the lsat 2 even thought my AH knew how badly I wanted to go. I'm a graphic Design student and want to freelance in fine art. I could use the exposure and shmoozing right now. He doesn't get it...my imminent graduations is a threat I'm sure. So Art festival it is! Happy birthday to me! =)

Thanks again Maresie

sandy70 · Member

Thank you rrib! If I could I would hug you, stranger and all, lol! ((Hug)). I just thought that if I went to meetings and he did not go to AA then nothing would change on his end...same vicious cycle. I will work on the meetings. I could reeeeealy use it right now. I used to be stronger than I am today and he's got me so worn down I can't see straight sometimes. I could use the support and strength to get me back to "Me".

Thanks again =)

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Not arguing is very difficult. Indeed at times it is appropriate to respond to say you can't go over that line and put a consequence in there.

Consequences are everything for me. There are lines people cannot cross. If you cross over a certain line I'll drop you.

that is the people I can drop. I obviously don't drop bosses. There are some I would like to.

Even with bosses there is behavior like shouting I'll no longer take. One boss shouted at me a while back. I just didn't respond. She backed off. I let her.

I didn't go home a complete wreck like I would normally do.

Maresie.

rosielee · Senior Member

well- i dont know really what to say- as ive not lived in this situation. what i do know is that alcoholics cant drink PERIOD, they cant have the odd glass- and visiting the pub??? thats the last place.......when they start their recovery and visit AA they learn they can never touch a drop- ever. AA is a great leveller- if you can get him there it really would help....

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

"He'd use the excuse that I was "mad" at him and he was "showing" me."

something like that was the excuse for 7 birthday's in a row...and the couple that I walked on egg shells and made sure I was nice...well then he was tired or sick or just forgot.

For some reasons observing Birthday's and Holidays in the "traditional" way really doesn't seem to go with Alcoholism.

I am constantly amazed at how similar the stories can be of living with the A.

and the comment about the guy who "hunting" was more important than her birthday... with me it was motocycle riding... Alcoholism is a selfish disease and it seems that anything that brings pleasure AND allows them to ignore family responsibilites or quality time is extra appealing..maybe it's the not being able to connect emotionally and knowing that this is a time when that would be likely to be "expected" so to speak.

Maybe they are afraid of doing it wrong I don't know

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Nothing is going to change if nothing changes.

He will never go to AA until he is so miserable and alone that he goes just to have some semblance of a life back. That was my experience. Even given the choice of being alone and divorced, some people still drink themselves to death.

You have to do what is right for you regardless of him. Claim your own serenity and peace by going to alanon. After that you will get better at setting boundaries and sticking to them.

You stated in your own writing that you told him if he drank again you'd leave. You didn't leave. So...don't expect him to believe you now.

Not knocking you cuz I know it's hard. You are not alone and will realize this even more through alanon I think.

sandy70 · Member

Yes Maresie...I agree, not arguing is difficult especially when being verbally attacked. I am a peacemaker and don't like to argue and am extremely patient. I'd rather make a compromise or back down for a little bit until athe situation calms down like you with your boss. For the most part I let everything roll off my back, I always have; but if that line is crossed I'm like a volcano and can't stop until the I calm down. I learned early to choose my battles wisely. I've got my foot down on this one.

sandy70 · Member

Here's a good quote I'm sure you've read by Richard Carlson (Don't Sweat the Small Stuff):

A more peaceful way to live is to decide consciously which battles are worth fighting and which are better left alone. . . . Is it really important . . . that you confront someone simply because . . . he or she has made a minor mistake? . . . Does a small scratch on your car really warrant a suit in small claims court? . . . These and thousands of other small things are what many people spend their lives fighting about. . . . If you dont want to sweat the small stuff, its critical that you choose your battles wisely.

- Richard Carlson

sandy70 · Member

Thank you Rosie...I agree. He can't have one drink. It's impossible although he still doesn't believe that. I'd like to believe that after this escapade that he would believe it but I don't think that's will be the case. He doesn't talk about it. He won't. He says I can't just leave things alone and let him deal with it. So I just wait for the next time? Not anymore. AA for him and definitely Al Anon for me.

sandy70 · Member

Hi glad and thank you. What you said is very important for all of us to realize. It is so true that it seems as if A's can't connect emotionally and whatever pleases them is the only thing that works for them to some extent. (At least with my AH.) My AH continues to amaze me with the careless things he does and says...not just with me but with everyone in his life. He runs hot and cold. Example: He invites a friend to go fishing (that's my AH's thing) and then the guy never shows up at the house. He calls later to tell him something important came up with family. My AH will consider it unforgivable! =/ It's the end of the world and the end of the friendship. Yet...he had done the same exact thing to another friend the weekend before just because he didn't feel like going. Now when he didn't show up that weekend it was the other guy who had a problem and needed to "get over it". They don't "own" their own mistakes or problems and if they don't own them or take responsibility for them then they can't get past them. THat is why I think AA is detrimental to recovery. My Mom has Hep C and still drinks. She had to stop treatment twice because of it. My little brother was just released from rehab into her custody. She's already telling him that it's OK for him to have a drink or two now and then...Pills are his weakness, not alcohol!!!! it infuriates me to no end. She doesn't get it and never will. I wish that he could stay here but he had to be released to a parent until his aftercare treatment is over.

sandy70 · Member

Hi pinkchip and thank you so much!!! Believe me I know!!! I feel like a doormat right now because i have always been one to do what I say I'm going to do. Even when raising my son. If I promised a punishment for an action that's exactly what happened. After a few minor tests he never crossed me because he knew...I stand by my word. That's what bothers me so much. I have never been in a relationship like this. I have always refused to be in this place in life. When I met my AH I told him that I wouldn't date a drinker. He said the same. He had been sober 10 years at that point. We were friends for a while and 2 years into the relationship I was misdiagnosed with a type of Lukemia. I worked for a pharmacutical company and it turned out that it was a misread due to some of the medications and chemicals I worked with. We found outtoo late. He had slipped being over dramatic and thinking he was going to lose me. That was the beginning of the end. I felt bad for him and was supportive and he did great. Then he almost (and inevitably did in the end) lost his thumb after 2 major surgeries. He poured himself into a bottle and didn't come out for months. Again, I felt for him concidering the circumstances and was there for him. Again, he pulled out OK...and then another slip into a "I can handle it" comfort zone. By then I was so deep into the relationship and loved him too much to just give up.

Now, I'm just tired. I can't do anymore. I am going to go to Al Anon for sure to get my strength back. I need to for me.

I like your comment because it's so true: "Nothing is going to change if nothing changes". It makes me sad to think that he may not ever change and that leaving him alone may have to be the answer in the end. It makes me sad because I know it's true. He's my best friend when he's sober my worst enemy when he's drinking.

Change is here.

sandy70 · Member

To all of you:

I thank you all for your thought on this matter and I wanted to fill you in on how it went! When my AH got home from work last night, giddy and excited, assuming something nice awaited him like a nice dinner, preasents, me in a teddy, whatever, lol! I hadn't even started dinner. He asked what we were having...still giddy (Perhaps thinking my suggestion for dinner out was planned for his birthday, lol. I told him I wanted to wait until he got home to start dinner in case he wanted something else as I took a frozen pizza out of the oven. ;) He hates frozen pizza. I preheated the oven and asked him if he'd put it in for me when he got out of the shower. I told him I had to go to the store. He was still happy. I Put gas in the car, burned some time driving to where my local Al Anon meetings are located to see exactly how far it would be. Then I went to the store and bought cat food, milk, bottled water, and MY favorite icecream and MY favorite kind of icecream. (One he'll eat if he has to but doesn't particularly care for). and then came home. He was still excited and even helped me bring the groceries in. As he looked through the bags I noticed that he loked confused. (No gifts...Not even goodies from the grocerie store!) i didn't say a word just asked him about his day as I fed the cat. He had a movie ready for us to watch during dinner and after I finished eating I walked away from it and took a shower. When we went to bed, the cat came in and laid on my stomach ALL NIGHt LONG, lol! He has never, ever, ever done that, lol! It was the perfect end to the night. He mentioned the art festival to me last night...an old trick to make me think that we are actually going to do something I want to do for once. I turned to him excitedly and said "Yes! I know, I'm so excited!" And let him know that I was going with a friend on Saturday...then gave him a quick hug and walked away. He didn't know what to make of it. Says he'll go fishing with his brother (who is a good influence). So...Happy belated birthday to me! =)

I'm proud of myself. I was firm, fair and didn't stoop to an inapropriate level I don't think.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Whoa sandy that is teriffic! Way to Go!

sandy70 · Member

Thanks tommyecat...That's the old, stronger me. I've just been so tired that I don't stand up for myself. I forgot to mention to that I bought myself a gift that night as well, lol! Nothing major just enough to get my point across. I went to the Art Festival and had a blast. A freind and I went and we met my 2 Aunts there who are really about my age. We had a great time and so did my AH. He's been thinking hard about this one but I'm not allowing myself in that safety zone. No. I refuse. Love and stupidity are two different things, although there is a fine line drawn vetween the two, lol.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.