The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So is there a difference? Being alone vs' being lonely-- I believe there is.... There are often times I am lonely because I work, take care of my children, go to school and have no social life, no husband/no boyfriend, my friends are busy so I have those days that I feel lonely. However, I NEVER feel alone because I KNOW deep in my heart and soul that God is standing right beside me-- It gives me peace and comfort on those days that I am feeling lonely and nobody is around. It's difficult to live in a world surrounded by so many people, yet not have the opportunity to share your life with someone on a regular basis. I wouldn't say that makes a person afraid to be alone though, as it's more about just wanting people in your life and maybe one person who is very special would even do, rather than several people, that you know in your heart and soul that God is involved in that union. I've had that occur a couple of times in my life and have no doubt in my mind that God wasn't involved in the union. However, he has us move on after our lesson is learned-- at least in my case He did. The lesson I've learned and continue to ask myself is if there were no other person on this earth would I survive? I struggle back and forth on that because of what Scripture says about God being first in our life and that is all we need. Yet, other parts of scripture say that God gives us a helper to get through in this life, as he did with Paul or Moses. Both needed the strength and support from Timothy and Joshua to help them on their journey that God wanted them to follow. I think of that and try to figure out who it is God has in my life to help me on my journey-- sure, we have this board and we have so many people we come in contact with everyday, but ultimately is there really truly anyone that is there forever? Maybe, it's not supposed to be that another person is supposed to be in our life forever because God wants us to be focused on Him forever and know that only His relationship lasts forever. The more I think about this, the more I'm starting to believe that is what my life is about-- focusing on God forever and that there will never be anyone that stays in my life forever-- male or female relationships. Perhaps this is what I am to accept-- that I'm NEVER alone because God is always by my side. :)
One thing I can say for certain is that I'd rather "be alone" with my relationship with God, than settle for a person who is clearly disrespectful, has no compassion and does not love me unconditionally. If I am to be in a relationship-- ANY relationship, it will be by Gods will, no longer mine. Sometimes I know for certain if it is a relationship with God and other times I don't. I've learned that when I lose my balance, it is not a relationship brought to me by God.
I believe people come into our lives for a reason. Whatever the experience may be we learn from it. I remember when I first met a friend who is in my life now. This lady is much older than me and our paths crossed through healing workshops. At the time I said to another friend I don't know why this person has come into our lives but I feel it is meant to happen. There was something special about her even then. This beautiful lady now has a secondary cancer. I am privileged to call her my friend and will help her out in anyway I can (her husband is a big drinker) coincidence I think not. Incidentally the other friend who was with me at the time is now no longer a part of my life a friendship that was great but has now run its course. Hp works in many ways not always understood at the time. I know I have asked Hp many times "Why are you testing me again? I am not a deeply religious person but I do believe there is someone who is guiding us. You only have to look at the name of this website to realize we are not truly alone. Sandie you will find true happiness. One door closes and another one opens. Your posting was inspirational. Luv Leo xx
I like this post..... and I guess one other way of looking at it.... is that if we are "comfortable with ourselves", than I don't think we will really be all that "lonely" per se....
I remember WAY too many times, of feeling lonely and destitute, and longing for the companionship and love of my (then active) A wife.... The silly thing was - she really wasn't very loving or compassionate at all (certainly not during her very active years - yet I was longing for her nonetheless...
I look back at it now, and it was truly a recipe for disappointment... I was 'hanging on' to the ill-conceived notion that the person I married would come and 'cure my loneliness', and yet, the person I had married, had become this cold, sick, alcoholic..... As it is turning out - it is quite plain for me to accept and see (now), that the more comfy I get with myself, the less lonely I feel - whether I am "alone" or not.
Thanks for posting
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Some of the most important people that have helped me through life have come into my life during some terribly stressful, tragic times in my life. I miss some of these people because I want to share my life when things are normal. I guess I'm tired of always having these people in my life when things are going bad, but then when they are good, there's nothing we can share. They disappear. It's almost as if the people I meet, need me to need them and that is all it's about, not me at all, but them needing people to need them. Does that make sense? It REALLY sucks... Don't get me wrong, I completely appreciate it and thank God for them, but is it so wrong to want something normal from these people? To go out on occasion as friends, not talking about all this crap, taking a weekend trip once in awhile, things like that-- I guess I'm talking more about the guy friends that I meet. I meet these men who appear strong, say they'll always be there for me through some of the crazy crap that goes on in my life, but yet they never take steps to do anything normal-- it's all about listening to me talk. I have counselors and other friends for that..... Oh Well-- Thanks for your responses. :)
One thing for certain is maybe with my awareness of how people come into my life (men, who want to be there for me), I am finally figuring out the types of unhealthy relationships that I don't want to be part of--- the codependent ones, where that's all it is about needing eachother to the point it is not healthy. I want to go places, travel, take weekend trips, read, write, dance, whatever comes to mind more than anything from these people because then it makes all the craziness in my life so much easier to deal with-- to constantly talk and think about it all is what makes me crazy. :( Time to walk away from these "needy" relationships perhaps and find people who can offer me some fun times and more of their time, than just when they have time for me to complain or encourage emotional dependency.
Perhaps the issue has little to do with me and ALL to do with them and that is where I start to become scattered and lose my peace because the relationship isn't one that is leading towards a healthy bond. Could it be that I am seeing the "red flags" of these relationships for once in my life?
Well, I am alone right now. Weekends are the hardest because everyone leaves. It would be different if this had been my choice. I am getting to know myself better but there is a point where I need to interact with people. Actually people who care about me.
Sanddie, take a picture of you dancing! And send us a post card when you travel.
In support,
Nancy
PS Thanks Tom for the insight. I too have been waiting for my A to help with the loneliness but he just can't be there for me.
hey sanddie....i used to just CRINGE at the thought of being alone more!!!
i live alone now!!! i have BEEN alone since my X and i broke up may 2000....i thought i would dry up and die, i pictured my self growing old and alone and bitter
i yearned for a new relationship.......
now i say i am glad my HP did NOT bring anyone to me, becuz i had NO relationship with me...and i had to love me/ care for me/ have healthy perception of me B4 i could even THINK of someone outside of me.......
now??? its OK to be alone...i am not lonely, not even when i am alone....i have me/ my HP/ my inner child/ my pets/ and i can call my sister/ go play tennis/ go do anything i want.....but the bottom line i had to see was FIRST fall in love with me....the rest will all fall into place, but i had to get a relationship established with the most important THREE......ME....God....life.......now its ok...whatever will be will be..................thanks for the honest and open hearted share.......rosie
Thanks for your open-hearted post. I think that lonliness is something that we all struggle with if we're involved with an A. I finally JUST realized that the reason I'm not grieving a whole lot over my husband moving out is that we had separated emotionally years ago. Someone's presence in your home does not necessarily spell "relationship". During one of our last long discussions (arguments) I told him AGAIN my need for him to be there emotionally for me. Spend time with me. His reply? "I'm spending time with your right now!" Ok - if that is what "spending time with me" consists of, I'd rather be alone! My reply to him? "All right, if we're "spending time" together now, then I'm having sex with you right now!" LOL You should have seen the look on his face!
I'm learning more about me, spending time alone now. At first it was REALLY hard, one of my biggest fears in fact. But now I'm getting more comfortable with it. And really starting to get comfortable in my own skin. I think that's what you're describing. And it sounds like you're getting the "red lights" on some of these relationships cause you know they won't be healthy in the long run.
As I was talking with my counselor I told her that ALL my friends come from highly dysfunctional backgrounds. That I'm actually DRAWN to those type of people. She explained that since that's my background, those are the types that I feel comfortable with, they actually feel "normal" to me. So it definitely sounds like you're further ahead than I am! Another point... I asked her if I get healthy am I going to lose all my dysfunctional friends? I've already started viewing some of them in a different light.
As for God's role in our lives, yes... He is meant to be first. I know that in my relationship with my A I was slowly dying inside spiritually. I've been putting His will first in my life, sort of an awesome feeling to see what He's doing! As I joked with some of my friends, if I ever let another man in my life he would have to put God first in HIS life, love himself, be a man of God, love his family as himself... Then I joked with a list like that, I guess I'll have to wait 'till I see Jesus! LOL
Sounds like you're on the right track. I'm praying for everybody in here!
Loneliness is a mindset dear one. We can give into the melancholy feeling of loneliness, or we can fill our time with friends, activities...or learn, as I have, to enjoy our own company. I am busy all the time, and I stay physically fit. But most of all I love to have time alone to read a book, teach myself something new, or just watch the tv program I want to see. I have dragged out my old sewing machine which has never been used, and I am learning how to operate it. Woo hoo! There's something interesting to behold...I am not in the least domestic. We are our own best friends, you know, and we need not feel lonely if we choose not to. So yes, you are right; there is a chasm of difference between "alone" and "lonely." Best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Could it be that I am seeing the "red flags" of these relationships for once in my life? 
