The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm just noticing today how screwed up my thinking is. I recently started a new job with a new supervisor, which was a wonderful thing because it allowed me to get away from a rageaholic boss in my previous position. I seem to have carried over my lack of confidence and fear of authority into my new position, however (wherever you go, there you are.) The slightest critique makes me cringe. Today I became convinced that my supervisor and another employee were gossiping negatively about me and my work (not entirely unfounded since they have each been negative about other employees in conversations with me.) There was a whispered phone conversation in the next cubicle that may not have even been about me! Even if it was, I cannot respond until the matter or matters are brought up with me to my face. In the meantime, it is all reactivity and imagination. This is a real ongoing problem with me and comes from being semi-brought up by a mother who behaved like an a. Whether she was or not is moot; her parents were alcoholics and she behaved just like one. I keep thinking by my age I should be past this. It makes me feel so sad that I have ruined my own day over something so silly. I tell myself that "what you think of me is none of my business", but in the case of a supervisor it IS my business, but at least my response should be based on fact rather than conjecture. <sigh> I go on vacation tomorrow for a week so I won't be on these forums during that time, but I just had to pour this out to somebody. The only ones I could think of were my homies on this board.
My job right now is a total circus and there is no mental health or stability in the organization unless you bring your own. I keep my Just for Today bookmark right in front of my computer so I can see it at all times, and haul a big satchel of AlAnon literature in and out of there every day.
What other people think of us is none of our business, and not only that, whether or not someone else thinks I am competent, skilled, or an asset doesn't make me actually be more competent or skilled...however, I sure am more of an asset when I am doing what they pay me for instead of wondering what they think about me.
If I can focus on my work and use the alateen declaration (Stay in the now, be truthful and honest with myself, and do the next right thing) I am a better employee and the day passes with me in my own head instead of trying to get into everyone else's.
I hope you have a fantastic vacation! Look inside yourself while you are gone and find those qualities that make you a valuable employee, and when you get back, put them into action with confidence and let the other folks fend for themselves.
Thank you so much for your insightful response. It turns out that I will have Internet access while on vacation so I will probably checking these forums daily as usual. Emmie, I'm going to print out what you said, and start hauling a bushel of Al-Anon literature with me to work.
I tell myself that "what you think of me is none of my business", but in the case of a supervisor it IS my business, but at least my response should be based on fact rather than conjecture. <sigh> I go on vacation tomorrow for a week so I won't be on these forums during that time, but I just had to pour this out to somebody. The only ones I could think of were my homies on this board.
