11 years recovery and now on the other end - Al-Anon Family Group

Satori · Veteran Member

11 years recovery and now on the other end

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

(((satori))) hugs & welcome to the site.

We have mtgs twice a day @ 9am/9pm EST (we have weekend mtgs too) - I wouldn't know about the NA mtgs but I'm sure they have them too, just check it out through the main MIP site: http://www.12stepforums.net/index.html

I can tell you there are ppl in recovery that suffer from all of the forms of abuse u mentioned, many of our A's use drugs as well.

It sounds like you are the epitome of a survivor... seems as though God nvr stops testing our ability to surrender.

I came to this site 3 months ago & have grown so much through everyone's support & encouragement.

I came to the program 19 yrs ago - & @ 19 yrs old... I thought I knew it all & w/out practise, my serenity slipped away. Low & behold 10 yrs ago, I married an addict! I've been divorced for 6 yrs now, so the A in my life is my step-father. It never seems to get any less complicated but I have recently been witnessing miracles in my life daily.

There are many wonderful, loving souls here... & someone is always in the chat room!

thanks for sharing, -K

Satori · Veteran Member

Thanks K. I checked out the chat room and a meeting tonight too. Great group! I married a Gambler during my early recovery. Ouch. Didn't see it coming until it was too late. Now I always say that I will not marry addiction, zero tolerance, but I will marry recovery no problem. After all, I love myself enough to marry me and I'm in recovery, right? lol

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

yes, i'm with u on that completely - have a love affair with yourself!

It was great to get to talk to u live tonight - PM or email me anytime if u wish.

take care of you!

-a new friend in recovery, -K

leo · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Satori,

Just wanted to say hi and welcome. It takes a lot of courage to open up and share your story and you have been through a lot. I can't give you any Narcotics advice but I will support you in your postings in way I can. Luv Leoxx

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

Many of us here are involved with people whose addiction is primarily to drugs rather than alcohol. My husband is an alcoholic, but it's crack cocaine that he really has to fight. I've come upon Naranon occasionally on the web, but there are seldom enough people posting to make it really valuable. The tools are the same, anyway.

If you have been using an AA model all these years, you won't find much difference in alanon. Most importantly, the focus has not changed - that is, alanon does not focus on the A, but on ourselves. It is so easy,and tempting, to involve ourselves in the struggle of the person we love who is in recovery, rather than to keep the focus on us, where it belongs. It's important also to remember that a clean and sober addict is still an addict, and many of the personality traits remain for years, even with a person who is working on a program.

One thing you will hear here a lot - You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it.

kissers · Senior Member

Satori:

I can relate to your story many, many times. I've had a year in recovery and have a wonderful Sponsor. I chose my Sponsor because she had very similar stories to mine. When I am feeling hurt because of dysfunction in a relationship, I call her and it changes my attitude and perspective. She advised me to buy a book, "What Smart Women Know", and let me tell you what an eye opener it is. I used to be attracted to the men who would abuse me, lie to me, and who were just emotionally unavailable to the relationship. No matter what I did or didn't do, I could NOT make a man love me in a healthy way. I would hang on and drive myself to insanity. I finally gave up and did what my Sponsor told me to do. I chose to respect and love myself first and now I am not so attracted to the types of men I normally would be attracted to. My Sponsor, myself, and others in the group are starting our own club with what the book and Alanon as the key focus. My life is changing in such a great capacity. It is wonderful and so exciting. You can still love your addict, but you can learn to love yourself and find happiness too! Wonderful changes can and do happen, but it's up to you by keeping the focus on YOU. Women are a GIFT to men from God. I will keep you in my prayers.

Satori · Veteran Member

To kissers, lin and leo -

Yes, yes, and oh by the way, yes! HA

Leo and Kissers, thank you. I know the value of this group will be more than I can measure. The capacity to give and receive love and understanding here, well, that's a really awesome and resounding given. :)

Lin said, "It's important also to remember that a clean and sober addict is still an addict, and many of the personality traits remain for years, even with a person who is working on a program." Absolutely excellent statement, which is why I always say to myself that I will marry recovery but not abuse/addiction of any kind, and would definitely marry myself! ha...

Speaking from my own experience, if I could place every woman or man of child sexual abuse (or ANY type of abuse) in a 12-step program I would. One of the first things a child sexual victim loses sight of is a Higher Power. We think that God, as we understand God, should have protected us from something SO 'evil', so therefore He/It must not exist or care about us. And, the ball snowballs from there. Lack of ability to have a good and healthy definition of love of others and Self; a lack of self-worth; co-dependency; dependency; isolation; anger; frustration; fear; self-doubt; confusion...the list of issues and it's effects to the personality is relentless. As soon as a parent even touches a child sexually [to include physically or emotionally] that parent has injected a brain disease into their own child's veins. And, at some point in life, you (the child) have to admit to yourself that you have a 'disease,' that it is a problem, and how much it effects everything that you do or think. This is SO hard to do because you already feel victimized, you don't want to believe that on top of that, you now have something that will never go away and can only get worse if you don't do something about it. Then, you have to commit yourself to go through the steps to change and make living with it better.

And, there's no easy fix because the 'disease' does effect every decision you make, every relationship you are in, every child you raise, every job you have, every person you meet, it literally effects every day that you wake up and look in the mirror. Just like the brain disease of an addict, an abused child goes through life thinking, "I don't have any problems, what happened to me doesn't effect me or anyone else, I can control this, I don't need to change me, I'm just fine the way I am," blah, blah, blah, denial, denial, denial. And, just like the brain disease of an addict, the brain disease of a child of sexual abuse never goes away, we just have to learn to live and do things differently so that we are no longer a victim of the abuse but a survivor of it. And, hopefully, before we add insult to injury by becoming drug addicts ourselves to further cover up the issues that we don't feel strong enough or worthy enough to deal with and change. Or, even worse, give that same 'disease' to our own child by abusing them or some other child we don't know. Yes, with my 'disease,' I live with the constant understanding that I have the ability and the tools to abuse another child, adult or myself; physically, emotionally or sexually. THAT is a tough one to admit and swallow, but I would be fooling myself if I didn't think otherwise. That is the dysfunctional nature of the 'disease' called abuse. It's no different than a drug addict having the ability and tools to "create" another addict by having them "try" a substance once, or kill an innocent human being while driving under the influence, or go back to abusing drugs/alcohol. Same uglies, just a different arena. Ugh. So, yes, recovery is one day at a time for the rest of my life as much as it is for a substance abuser.

And, yes, every moment of every day is always a new day and a new moment of recovery for me, and not one new day will be an exception now or in the future, until the day I die. Once I started recovery, I realized I can never abandon it in any way shape or form, because I never know what life event or experience will test me to my ultimate ability to make the right choices, and I want to continue to have more ability and more tools to do just that. I do not hate my father, I have compassion for him because he has a 'disease' that his own father gave to him in the way of severe physical and emotional abuse. My mother also shares the same 'disease' and a binge drinker for many years to periodically numb herself even more. And, my sister too. She was not sexually abused, but she was a victim of my parent's 'disease' of physical and emotional abuse. Abuse is abuse, in my experience, and truly falls under the umbrella of one human family of developed personality traits and issues that require recovery from the 'disease' that ails you.

In so many ways, too many to count up to this point, and in so many ways that I have not even come to know in life yet, I would not be who I am today, as a person and as a parent, if that low point in my life never happened. I didn't lose a childhood, I gained a global human family and an HP that continually shows me that age is just a number, so I can be as young as I want to feel and be anytime. Let's put it this way, I'm the first and only adult usually to run and jump in the sandbox and play with the kids, and just as bad about blowing bubble gum bubbles so big that I have remove it from my hair when it pops...ha!

Said too much? Hope not. Yikes. Send or delete...hmmm :) But you never what you might share that someone else could gain something from, or in the way of receiving wonderful replies back as all three of you have done....Again, thank you all.

Live to Love and Love to Live.

Respectfully, Satori

nikkilou · Senior Member

Hi Satori,

Glad you choose to send. welcome to are group. I think you will fit in great. Please keep posting.

Your new friend NIKKILOU

browneyes · Senior Member

Satori,

Hello and welcome. I am glad you are here.. I too am a victim of sexual abuse by my father and relate to so much of your posts. I never really thought of things in the way that you explained "having a brain disease" but find it interesting and very useful information. If I sound like a robot, it may be because I never have really seriously dealt with the issue I think. Now that I am thinking about it at length. It wasn't until recently that I even started having a relationship with my father after a long period of silence. we are now speaking but it was my sister's illness that brought us back together. I love my Dad but do not trust him or respect him that much. I used to think that he was the WORLD. I still have flashbacks and have many intimacy problems. So to read what you said about how it enters into your whole being is very profound to me. It effects everything that I do and I am very aware of how others behave around my children and would never ever let my kids be alone with him. There are very many ugly things about it...Thanks for being here and being so honest and sharing.

Love Julie D.

sooner · Veteran Member

Hello Satori and welcome!

I use this program for all addictions...those in my own life and those in the lives of others. I see very little difference between the members of AA and those of Al-Anon. I think that overall they both share the same "brain-disease" but merely choose to medicate their condition in different ways. I can pretty much pick my drug of choice (booze, drugs, control, exercise, work, sex, relationships ect.) to help me cope with this aweful ache inside. And the people I come to this program to get help with have also made similar choices and they themselves are using something addictivly to help them cope.
So I feel all are welcome here and so are you.

I've spent many many years romancing, courting, and making love to this ache in my heart. I've nurtured it, tended it and helped it to grow. And at the same time I have tended and helped nurture the pain in others (in some really bizar and sick ways). Without my pain there would be no me and I would simply blow away. Without the pain in others I would have no reason for being and hence I am worthless. Sadly, I feed off the hurt and suffering of other people. So in here I get help for both sides of the addicton because I play both sides.

Thank you so much for sharing and I am glad you are here!

Sooner

rosie light shines · ~*Service Worker*~

i experienced the hell of child sex abuse (father) eight years, and yes, he gave me the "brain disease" of codependency

as i learn to love me (its been hard to go from suicide thoughts all the time/ self abuse to self LOVE) but i am doing it.....

as i recover more and more i see that ANY addiction/brain disease or whatever we call it is just that......newbies are high risk for relationships to me.........i swore off ALL serious romantic relationships until i would be in recovery minimum 1-1/2 to 2 yrs....its been 21 months now for me

i was not READY for anything prior....a NEW recovering user of narcotics needs to TOTALLY commit to the program/ NO distractions (love interests) and be that way for like i said 18 to 24 months....

if i had been "with someone" or *found someone* during my early months, i may not have worked as hard as i did...i put in , no lie, 2 - 6 hours per DAY on my program.....90 meets in 90 days.....hours of literature, sharing/ journalling/ anger work/ inner child work, you name it....i went the FULL gamut....and now and ONLY now do i say to my HP "IF, and i say IF i am ready adn IF there is a healthy man for me...great..make me ready" but i also know that there may not be anyone for me....and that is ok, too, i have me and my serenity and my other things to make me happy......

the bottom line, i would NOT get involved with ANY druggie who hasn't been in serious recovery for above time frame and that is minimum....i married an alkie....12 year common law with an alkie.....neither were in recovery and the one who did, did not really work it/ stay in it....and relationships did not last........now??? i have to be honest, anyone with a drug/ alkie problem, i would probably pass over, even now as i get strong with me.......i just worked TOO hard...TOO serious for anyone to *take me down* emotionally/ financially maybe and physically??? i mean there are SO much potential losses for the non user/drinker....it aint worth it to me.........just my esh, peace and only you know whats best for you...i gave you MY experience/ take, and i say plese use what works and dump the rest....rosie

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.