The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here. I have been married to my A for 7 years (together for 12). We have had a very roller coaster relationship as most of us have.
In 2002 we seperated for a period of 10 mos. He went in to a rehab program, and I went back to him. He was still an active A but things were better and atleast he was trying. We continued with marital counselling after he got out of rehab. Trouble is he blames everyone for his problems except himself.
In October 2004 he got his 3 DUI. He hasnt been to court yet for the charge. He laughed and joked about it with his friends. Crazy
In August this year I told him that I needed him to move out I couldnt do it anymore. He needed to get help for his drinking, and I needed to also get some help in learning how to deal with his problem for myself and our 4 year old daughter. I told him I loved him very much and that is why is was letting go. He moved out in September. Told me he didnt want to get a divorce and was going to make an effort.
A week after he moved out we had made an arrangement to go out on a "date". The sat morning I got a call from a friend who asked if I could go to a wake with him as he was feeling very sad and wanted the support. I called my A and left a message explaining the situation and that we will get together on the sunday instead as I didnt know when I would be back from the service. He went to visit our daughter, proceeded to drink and ended up getting a 4 DUI.
Everyone blames me for this, A, his family, his friends. I cant take it. And still no attempts at AA or anything.
I love him, but am feeling more and more withdrawn from him and his lack of taking responsibiliy. He never tells me he loves me, or is in love with me (hasnt for years)
I have met someone who shows me the love I lack in my life, but I am very reluctant to do anything. He has been a confident to me over the last year or so. He has been completely unbiased about my A, offering advice and just listening when I need to talk. But now He tells me he loves me and wants to be there for my daughter and I when we are ready and "healed".
I feel like I have lost all hope in my A in regards to our relationship, but desperately want to help him as a friend should he chose recovery.
You remind me of myself in the beginning of Alanon. I looked everywhere but inside for validation, creditation, and most of all, acceptance and approval of my choices.
Through a 3 year split with my Hubby (A) and an intensive look at my REAL me with the help of my sponsor, I no longer take what people say (accusations criticisms etc) so much to heart. For some reason I thought that if I stayed with my hubby that showed everyone something, and then when I left, that showed everyone something else.
I don't know why I had to prove anything.
NOW, i make decisions that will benefit me, based on my own feelings, and guidance from my HP.
Your posting sounds to me like you are seeking some kind of validation from your husband that you are doing the right thing by staying with him. All he keeps getting is crap, and you base your quality of life on his actions and reactions. Instead, why don't you seek some time with your Higher Power to find out if you are doing the right thing. Don't let his actions be a reflection of what you think you are all about. Just because he has 4 DUI's doesn't mean that you have a poor judgement in husbands.
We all love an alcoholic because they have fabulous qualities that make us feel whole. Focus on them, and don't let the disease bring you down so low. If you are anything like me, when I decided that I wasn't gonna let the disease take ME out, things started to change.
I promise, when you start to make the changes that are suggested by the Alanon program, miracles will happen. Keep looking inside, and to your HP. If you don't have a HP, maybe do some reading on Step two to help you.
I hope I didn't confuse you too much
With love in recovery;((((((((((((((((((bcraindrop70)))))))))))))))))))))))
As for where do you go from here - that is obviously your choice.... When in doubt, stick to the facts....
Your A is not in recovery and is refusing to deal with HIS problem;
is blaming YOU for HIS problems;
is getting help from his other (sick) friends to heap the guilt onto you about HIS problem;
oh, and did I mention that it was HIS problem?? (lol).
Your comment of: "Everyone blames me for this, A, his family, his friends. I cant take it. And still no attempts at AA or anything." says a lot. My sponsor once told me, when dealing with an active A, we need to see them with a big "sick, sick, sick" stamp on their forehead, and I would put his friends and family in that category as well...
Take care of you...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am new to alanon however I have learned the three c's ..
We didnt CAUSE IT
We cant CONTROL IT
We cant CURE IT
We are like the alcoholic powerless !! Do what you feel is right for yourself and your daughter. I like the advise to seek guidance from your HP.. That helps me..
Hi I agree with everyone else shift the focus to you. Admit you are powerless over his drinking. I feel the confidant who loves you is actually putting pressure on you at this time even though he says I will wait for you until you are ready and healed. You are much too vulnerable at the moment. Go with your gut instinct. Tell the confidant you value him as a friend but for now that is all it will be. Hope this helps a little. Luv Leo xx
