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A. was suppose to go to work out of town and our daughter had wanted to plan a bday party for 14 of her friends while he was gone. Bon fire, scarey movies, pizza and sleep over. Plan was since the A. is rather impatient, tempermental and so unhappy damn near all of the time that we would do it when he was out of town.
Needless to say, I have a daughter who is disappointed and an A. that is pitying himself because he feels no one wants him around.
I was honest with him tonight and told him that he has been unpleasant to be around for quite awhile (actually for a few years now..but I didn't tell him that). I understood his feelings were hurt feeling that we wanted him gone, but instead of talking about his feelings with us, he lashed out.
I asked him if he was happy. He said no. I mentioned to him that it is difficult living w/him walking on eggs shells and trying to plan life around him because he choses not to be involved with us. I asked him if there was anything we could do, and he said no. I mentioned to him that even though he is miserable that we will not be miserable with him.
I even mentioned dinner the other night and him not even talking with me...and he asked "what is there even to talk about?". He's definately depressed but unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it.
I have tried to include him in on "fun" but he choses to either decline or he goes and complains. We've just learned to accept when he declines and sometimes just plan things around him.
It is so difficult living in the same house w/someone for so long that is unhappy and won't take the needed steps. He's dry but not going to any meetings and is isolating himself from others.
I cooked a nice dinner and he never spoke a word. After dinner he went into the bedroom to watch television alone. My lonliness is overwhelming at times.
Tonight I want to just tell him my thoughts of possibly leaving. Then I remind myself....
I can put up for 24 hours something that would appaul me for a lifetime.
Your self control is admirable in light of your circumstances and I thank you for bravely sharing your honest thoughts. I use that quote from "Just for Today" all the time, but amid the unmanageability of my day today, it is something I needed to hear. Thanks for the reminder.
wow--I've had those days. "Why do all the kids in the neighborhood have to be in our house?" "Why can't I just sit on my couch and watch my tv?" "Sometimes I think I'd be happier living by myself!" The A's temper tantrums. It gets so old doesn't it? One night that my A was particularly annoying and I was particularly serene, I said "you know the Sheryl Crow song--'If it (getting high)makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad'?" Its hard to live with Eeyore, isn't it? I understand completely how hard it is to remain positive in a negative environment. I love your comment about 24 hours. been there. take care- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Hi , boy did your post ring some bells for me. Took me awhile to figure out that even sober he still ran the house. There came a time when i decided to take back my house and started inviting people into our lives again. How sad that a daughter dosent want to have a party because dad is home.
If your husb dosent want to participate in her party so be it , but i would be pretty tempted to have it anyway. It is after all her home too. You and hubby could go to a late show for a few hrs . never know u just might have fun. good luck Louise
Well the night is now over. Hopefully today will be better. My Mom use to call "walking on eggshells" keeping the peace. Well being the peacemaker isn't always fun. In fact, I think that it can be a bit self-destructive. It's always about compromising. There's nothing wrong with that. Taken to the extreme though, it's as if you are living someone else's life, instead of your own. Maybe it's time to start reclaiming back that part.
I'm with Louise about maybe still having the party. If he disappears into the bedroom, so what? Maybe it'll work out. Your daughter should have a happy birthday. It's her day.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thank you for allowing me to come and vent last night and for taking the time to comment.
Later in the evening my daughter came upstairs and was worried that SHE caused the argument between her step dad and me. I told her it wasn't her fault. She said felt bad that his feelings were upset, but doesn't know how to talk to him (and he does NOT communicate), I suggested writing him a note and putting it on the table then he could read it on his way to work this morning.
I was so proud of my daughter when I read the note! She kept the focus on herself, explaining that she was excited about having a party because she hasn't had one in so long (she hasn't had friends over here in ages) and apologized for hurting his feelings.
She took the initiative to own what was her's...and for 14 yrs old that is pretty good!
I got up and had coffee w/the A. this morning before he went to work. He was pretty mellow this morning and mentioned something about it being a "shitty weekend for flying (remote control airplanes) and he should go to a meeting."
I told him about the daughter coming upstairs upset and talking to me last night. I also told him that she is doing the best she can for such a young age, trying to deal with everything that has happened and is happening in the house.
All he said is "I know"...but even though he didn't attempt to communicate anymore, I know it sank in.
My children were 7 and 5 when we met. He took them in and did so much w/them. They had a great relationship for a few years, then he relapsed. His attitude and outlook on life changed a long time before he ever took that first drink. Over the period of years their relationships have become very estranged. They don't talk anymore and in fact, if given the choice, they would sooner do things w/out him than with.
What is so disappointing is the family I once had, the choices that I made marrying this man because of his qualities, his personality and the way he loved life, how he treated and loved my children seem to have slipped thru my hands. I literally feel like I am a single parent. Being married I have financial stability, but other than that I don't have anything. My companion has been long gone. We have been reduced to room mates.
I'm 37 yrs old. I've been down this road before w/someone. I had everything in order in my life and then I took the risk of getting involved w/another alcoholic-albeit he was sober and in recovery when we met. I don't want to spend the rest of my life this way. I don't want the negativity around me. Don't want the attitude. I want an intimate companion who wants to walk thru life w/me. Who enjoys my company. Who can communicate. Who can laugh and be happy. Who wants to be an active part in my life and my childrens..and who wants me to be an active part in his.
I HATE this disease. It robs so many of so much.
But anyways, today is a NEW day. And I am going to have a GREAT day. My kids are home from school (MEA) and we are going to enjoy the day together. He has choices to make...and so do I. I chose to continue to work my Program today and cherish the 24 hours that my HP has put before me.
I found that attending some open AA speaker meetings in addition to going to Al-Anon and helped me a lot as I was grieving for relationships I once had or that the relationships I have now are not what I wish they were or expect them to be. My sponsor suggested the open AA meetings as a vehicle to help me get into acceptance & compassion when I am struggling. It sure works for me.
I can completely empathize with you. My daughter wants to have a party this Sat. with about 13 of her friends, kind of to celebrate Fall. I got so excited, that we went to Walmart and got some cheap halloween stuff, and I even picked out a costume, which I've not done in many, many moons! She said something about my husband dressing up, and I thought about it, and told her, maybe we should ask him first, because he doesn't like to have people over, and he might just say, "I'll just go in the bedroom and watch a game..." (or whatever, just to be out of the way). That made me feel kind of bummed, because when he was drinking, and I didn't know about it, he always acted that way if ANYONE was over. So for that reason, we NEVER had any friends over. It kind of took me back to the past, and I thought maybe we shouldn't even bother...
But I decided, I'm gonna make the most of it, and I don't care if he wants to participate. I did ask him if he wanted to wear a costume, and he said yes, but I know he is uncomfortable with the idea. He always would rather hide out in another room. We'll see.....
I sure hate this disease! I like what you said about regaining control of your house. I think about that too, that I live here, and I work, and I help pay the bills, and I clean this house, and I do the laundry, and I blah, blah, blah....so I should have some say-so if I want to have friends over. It sure would be nice, though, to have a spouse that you had some things in common with. It sucks to think you may go through life just being alone, even though you're married.
My A is just the same. He has said your A's words right to a T. Right now though he is at his bes behavior for fear of losing everything, that doesn't mean he's not drinking. My A is unhappy also, but don't mention that alcohol is a depressent or he comes unglued. My boys and I also plan things around my A and when he is there and when he is gone. We had 16 days without him and the house was at peace, now he ic coming home at night after work to sleep on the couch (which I hate) You did so good expressing your feelings, the honesty and calmness seems to upset them but remember those are their feelings. Hang in there.
I'm so grateful that I have a place to be able to share my thoughts and feelings and have people understand where I am coming from. (((hugs to all of you)))
I'm not sure what we are doing about the party yet. I told my daughter she will have a party and if she is uncomfortable w/having it here, maybe we'll take it to a hotel and have a swimming party instead. I will make sure that she celebrates her 15th bday the way she wants.
Next weekend is a Halloween party. I decided to go earlier in the week. I invited my A. to come along..choice is his. I ordered my costume today and let him know where it is and what day. If he goes GREAT, if he doesn't GREAT. Either way I will have a good time w/friends.
Tonight we were watching television in bed when he asked me "will you hold me?" Surpised the hell out of me...he never asks that. I know he is in a very bad place right now and I'm praying that his HP guides him and that he is willing do the footwork to get better.
I feel somewhat guilty saying this, but earlier I thought I missed the times when he was drinking. At least I could see an empty beer bottle and know where he was coming from. It's hard to remember sometimes the effects of alcoholism when they are dry.
Today went well. I detached from his behavior last night and truely let it go. I got in touch w/my feelings and feel good that I was calm and honest last night. The kids have plans to go on a hayride Saturday. I'm not sure what I will be doing this weekend. I am going to try to get out w/friends at least once during the weekend..fill my bucket sorta speak.
