The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I sympathize with you all that are trying to leave your A or get them to leave you alone. My A who moved out in June has done the opposite. A counselor called it an amputation. He doesn't want very much interaction with me at all. He says that we will always have some sort of relationship because of our three sons. But I tell him that if it is going to be this sterile, non-emotional interaction we can just do it through a lawyer. He gets upset with my reaction to him moving out and threatening divorce. I tell him that I am angry and hurt. He seems so surprised by this. Not everything was bad in our relationship but he threw the baby out with the bath water. I just don't know how to act or react to him. He doesn't call or e-mail or come by. The only things we have done together is talk about the boys or go see them. When he does talk to me it become apparent that he wants me to somehow agree to divorce him. Why does it matter whether I agree or not? I just tell him that I need to come to my own conclusion about our relationship. Does anyone understand his need for this kind of relationship? It seems so extreme after 31 years of marriage. I told him that it was like emotional terrorism threatening divorce and never actually filing the papers.
Thanks for listening.
Nancy
PS I can't make it to my f2f meeting tonight. It is a mudbog out there. But I really need to be at a meeting.
Yeah, I think it is kinda like a "grass is always greener" thing.... Those of us, who's A's are beligerent and/or distant wish they were more loving and full of forgiveness..... Those of us, who have A's who are full of love and forgiveness (and play the guilt card in a different way), often wish there was more distance....
Bottom line - it is hard leaving an A, it is hard staying with an A.... Neither one is easier than the other - just different
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My husband and I threatened divorce many many times during a 3 year separation.
The end result is that neither of us filed because we just couldn't. For many reasons. Ultimately I think that our HP interfered. When we were emotionally "ready" for the divorce, we couldn't afford it, or the other wouldn't agree etc...
Finally, we are back together, and quite content. I have to admit, there were many times during the seperation that were NASTY. Both of us were to blame. We were both really rude to each other at some points, but like you say, it was an amputation. I was glad to have the gangrenous limb gone, but I sure missed walking down the road without a limp.
I have to give the credit completely to God, cause he put things in our path to make it not happen. Also, I so badly wanted to do right by God that I spent many a tear filled night praying for guidance and strength. Never certain what to do. I had so many people leading me in different directions, and my heart was never truly happy with my decisions. Until I followed my heart, and the direction from my HP, things just were miserable.
Like I said to BD tonight, maybe you need to revisit the Eleventh Step
"Prayed for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out"
Alot of his attitude is coming from the alcohol use. My A has been a great husband and my best friend for most of our 24 years together. After he got hurt 4 years ago he suffered from post traumatic stress and that is why he started drinking. Particularly in the last year he has become very self-centered and rather numb. It is all about him, his problems, his needs, his feelings, etc. It has been tough to take because he has always been a very caring person. He's always been there for me when I needed him, not anymore. Believe me, I understand where you are coming from on your reluctance to file for divorce. He reacts to you in surprise about your feelings because they simply cannot deal with their own, let alone yours too. I spent this morning calling lawyers trying to find some advice. Finally found one that would talk to me over the phone at no charge. After talking to him....well, its not going to solve anything for me. I'm still going to be stuck with all the debt and all the problems. The only thing divorce will solve for me is prevent any future debt that I would be responsible for. I guess that is reason enough but I'm more upset than ever and more confused than ever.
But I do understand the indifference that comes from the A. I know my AH still loves me but he is no longer able to handle it. I hope you can understand where I'm coming from.
