The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm hoping my ex wife has finally hit bottom. For the past month she has been depressed to the point of almost not functioning, especially on Sunday nights and Monday mornings. God put another couple in our lives, our daughter's friend's parents. Although alcoholism wasn't involved with them, they were miserably married and facing divorce about 5 years ago. They each hit bottom where they decided to get help, and have had a happy, healthy relationship for the past 3 years. They have reached out to help show us the way. Meeting and talking with this woman was the push in the right direction my ex needed to face the reality of her situation and realize she may be on the wrong path. Yesterday, after I drove our son to the bus stop, my ex was up and looking miserable and sad. (We are both still in the house till it sells, closing scheduled for January) I gave her a hug and layed down an held her for a while. She confessed a lot of things she had done wrong to me and that she realized she really screwed everything up. I apologized also for the hurt that I had caused her. She let me talk without interupting me after every sentence, defending herself and attacking me. She told me she realized she was so consumed by hurt and anger that she didn't see things clearly and made a mistake about the divorce. She said she's made a big mess out of everything and doesn't now how to fix it. I suggested (after I asked her if I could make one first) that she go back to Al-anon, really get involved and find a good sponsor who has what she wants to take her through the steps. She didn't get defensive or argue. Would have been nice if she saw some of this stuff 2 months ago before the divorce was final, but God must have something in mind.
Anyway, she said she wants to work on the relationship and get out of the house sale contract. I have real mixed feelings about all this. In one way, I'm happy that she's finally coming around to realizing that this whole mess is partly her fault. (I've been very open since coming back from the rehab about accepting my part in causing the mess we're in.) In another way I'm not sure of the feelings I have left for her after all we put each other through. I realize this is just a start, but thought some of you with A's in your life might get something out of this. I've been in recovery for 2 years; I did it for myself, not to save my marriage. My wife went into self-protection-at-all-cost mode and built walls around herself. There was no way we could make any progress as a couple with those walls in place. I think I'm finally seeing those walls start to come down. I realize that there's still a lot of work ahead for both of individually and together to mend things, but hopefully this is a start. We have an appointment with therapist tonight and I'm curious to find out if the same old finger pointing and blaming will take place. I know I've been guilty of that in the past also and it's something I now realize gets us nowhere. We'll see if she is past that.
I too remember the hope, as you put it "cautiously optimistic".
For me, there was a happy ending. Thankfully my husband and I didn't pursue a divorce, neither of us could afford it, and in hind sight, I see that my higher power had other things in mind. Our seperation lasted 3 years. Tough ones, granted, but totally worth every tear and struggle we had to go through on our own.
Good for you for trusting in your Higher Power. In the words of Garth Brooks, "Thank God for unanswered prayers".
Keep us posted, and be careful not to fall back into the "stinkin' thinkin'"
I am so happy to see you with that glimmer of hope in your post. I believe that if there is something worth saving we should try. There is no perfect mate out there, that's for sure. My advice to you and your wife is to let the past be in the past. Forgiveness is hard--but it is what we are called to do. I pray that your HP has led you to a wise counsellor who will help you and your wife heal.
best wishes to you, your wife and the kids- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
I'm glad to hear of the breakthrough that you have had in your relationship. It is a sign of your HP working for both of you. Godd luck at the therapist and although "cautiously" optimistic...put in your HP hands as to how it will go. I will be cheering you on!
WOW!!!! U/ Lou.........this is great start!!! i am sooo very glad you are cautiously optomistic.......if she gets into program, that will be REAL EXCELLENT sign that she wants to fix stuff.....till then???? i would just play it cool....have my friends.....do my *thing* and enjoy MY program/recovery/life.....and if she jumps on the alanon band wagon for the long haul?????? fantastic........my X wouldn't go to AA....he was the sweet kind of "A" but still an "A"....he wouldnt go....at least yours is thinking of it.......if that were me, i woudl just be encouraging and supportive and *turn over to HP*
here is a prayer for you
"Dear God of the universe, i ask you to bless uncle lou and his wife, please carry out YOUR will for them, and surround them with your love and protection, and help mrs. uncle lou find the peace and serenity that she so deserves.....please God give them the peace to accept the things they cannot change....the strength to change/fix the things they can, and guide them as to when to take thier hands off the control buttons and allow yours on...i thank you God for hearing my prayer"
I believe that Marriage is worth working for and fighting for. I agree that as long as there is love, there is hope. I am happy for both of you that the walls are starting to come down. We all know how hard and scarey that can be, it is so hard to leave yourself vulnerable, but if we don't we can't really grow and be alive.
I hope you have a good therapist and things go very well for you both. It sounds like she has taken a big first step.
On an optemsitic note, many years ago my Aunt and Uncle divorced. They where Divorced for over a year. They found there way back together, and eventually remarried each other. As my Mom always put it, they had a Marriage that was pure hell in the past, the second time around they have one of the best marriages she knows. They recently celebrated 30 years from the second date. God works in strange ways.
Sending lots of good and loving thoughts to the two of you.
Hi Lou I hope everything works out for you. If you can't get out of the house sale what about a lovely cruise together to re-kindle the courting days? Luv Leoxx
I am hoping for the best for you. It sounds like you are both on the right track. good luck with the therapist tonight. Am praying for you and the family.
