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Hello everyone, it's me again. Do you all know that I feel like such a pain when I write with my problems, havent figured that out yet, hopefully soon though. Well, here it is, the begining of another week and I am still miserable without me A.
I would really appreciate some input from any or even all of you who have been down the road I am on right now.
When I spoke with my A this past Friday night, I got off the phone with just the smallest glimmer of hope that I had felt in a long time about he and I. He told me not to write us off as over yet, not to give up. He told me that he still loves me and always has. He also told me to please call him whenever I wanted to, just to please call. Well, I gave in and called him the following day, there was no answer on the cell so I left a voicemail. No response. I figured maybe it didn't go through so I sent a text message just saying "You told me to keep in touch. Here I am and I love you". Still no response.
I have yet to hear from him at all. About two weeks ago, he had called my house and left a message and he had also called my cell phone. I didn't return his calls. When he did finally get hold of me, my response to him as to why I didn't call him back was that I was busy. He got a bit annoyed, said see ya later and hung up.
Now, my question is..does this sound like some type of payback? A game to him? I don't understand what is going on.
When I stated in the begining of this post that I am miserable, I am. I feel so empty and I feel so all alone. I keep praying, I keep asking my HP to give me strength, to show me what to do. I beg my HP to let him get better, to let him know that without belief in God and in himself he will never get any better than he is today. I feel hopeless and powerless over everything. I cried so hard last night before sleep while talking to my HP and did the same thing again this morning.
I just want my husband back. I miss him..I miss us. Yes, I hated the drinking he did, but I have seen him go down this road before and come back for 7 years of sobriety. Why can't he do it again? Why can't he love me enough to even try? This is a man that has always told me "Honey, I would give my life for you if I had to"
I am so tired of waiting for him to call, waiting for him to say he wants to try, waiting for him to be who I know he is. I am just tired of it all. I'm just tired. I seem to cry all of the time, the sadness runs so deep through me I can't even explain it. My life is not the same anymore. This month and a half has taken a toll on me.
I am trying to be tough and I am trying to be strong but it's wearing out, I can feel it.
Does anyone understand how or why the A can do this to someone who they love, I don't like being the way I am anymore, I hate being alone without him.
As usual, I'm sorry this is so long and thank you all for everything you've given me. There have been times that your advice to me and to others on this board has given me so much.
Who knows if it is payback, intentional, or whatever..... It is what it is.... We can drive ourselves CRAZY, trying to make sense out of nonsense.
My sponsor reminds me, when I am dealing with my A (particularly when she was active!), to see her with a big "sick, sick, sick" stamp on her forehead. We keep 'expecting' sick and irrational people to behave in healthy and rational ways..... It just isn't gonna happen....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Here are some supportive hugs which it sounds like you need.
I am not sure you want to hear this, but I have been told this. It it looks like a duck, and waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it must be a duck.
An A is an A. Active A's tell lies. The signs for your future relationship is past behavior -- both recent and further back.
Keep posting. You are not a pain to us at all. We are all here to recover. We can choose to recover or we run the risk of repeating.
yours in recovery,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I always over analise everything to death and it truly does do more harm than good!! Don't be so hard on your self in time with the program it will get better I really do believe that!!!
Keep in mind that you have control over your self and what you do. Be kind to your self you deserve it!!!
hadit, an A can do this to someone they love because they don't even love themselves-- they are numb and so much in denial of their own reality that everything around them is a false sense of reality to them. It has NOTHING to do with you, although it seems it does. The truth is that A's truly don't know how to love because they are in so much pain themselves that they are blind to the truth and their hearts are heavy with that pain as well, along with guilt. It's a vicious cycle, as once they do something wrong or hurt someone they feel guilty and the guilt that they feel intensifies the pain even further until it comes to a point that they are completely numb to any emotions. That is why it is probably so important to love them unconditionally as difficult as it might be because then the guilt doesn't continue to build to an unbearable point. Unfortunately, I didn't have this strength with my ex A, so I chose to walk away finally. I knew that my reaction to his lifestyle would hurt him over and over again and I couldn't stop being hurt by the lack of compassion and time he had for me. When I made the decision to leave him, as much as I hated to think about it, I felt that he could be happy with someone else who was much more accepting of his lifestyle. Today, I don't regret it either, as I haven't seen him now since January 7th and it's gotten so much easier. Matter of fact, I had met a man at a new job I had started 4 days before this breakup, who at the time I never imagined would become as wonderful and special in my life as he is now. We are still friends, but my heart has grown to appreciate him and care more than I thought I would be able to care for someone since my breakup. Plus, he is a sweetheart, cares about things I go through-- is always concerned and says I can call him any moment of the day if I need anything. In the short time I've known him and as him only being a friend, for the first time, I feel secure and safe with someone without even having an intimate relationship with him. This has only proved to me that God does have a plan for each of us and even if it hurts at times to make difficult decisions, sometimes these choices we make are best for us. Bottom line, we need to trust God completely and live the life that only He chooses for us.
I will always have memories of my ex boyfriend, but now looking back I realize that he was not the one for me.... God knew that and only had him in my life for a time to learn some important lessons of myself. Lessons that helped me realize that I was too focused on another person rather than Him. :) Once He comes first in my life, everything else falls into place. Another lesson learned was that Satan will take our weaknesses and tempt us where we are most weak and bring people into our lives to feed that weakness. God, on the other hand, will offset these people with people who love us and care for us, always wanting what is best for us. It is our choices to go in either direction and be with either the people God brings into our lives or the people that Satan brings into our lives. In turn, making us question what is truth in our hearts and right in front of our eyes.
he does love you. the disease takes over. i dont know how these a's can treat their loved ones this way, i just know they do. as mentioned above they are sick. i understand how you feel. i left my a a while back and i realized there were more good times then bad and i too was miserable without him. i went back. i made the desicion to go back to what i knew could be the same. there are some times when things get really bad again but there still is more good times then bad. i know not to make any rash desicions that i may regret. usually within 24 hours later i get over whatever happened. you chose to leave or told him to. do you really feel comfortable with the desicion you made. if you let him back would you be happier then you are right now or would you feel worse then you do right now. give it some thought. keep praying. your hp will guide you through this. best of luck to you ((hugs))
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
I hear you loud and strong as I go to bed by myself tonight. As my A says, I mean it at the time. It really is not about you but that image they have of themselves. So to take care of ourselves we have to make decisions sometimes by the minute. Don't let the tape go on too long in your head. The thoughts turn into those negative feelings which cause stress.
Hadit of course you miss him. There is nothing wrong with that. It could be some simple reason that he has not called or of course he could be drinking. But you know what you will probably never know just surrender to the universe. He will ring when he is ready. Just say hi how are you doing don't let him think you have been hanging out for the call and see how the conversation goes from there. It is natural to grieve when you separate. You mourn for the loss of what could have been ie happy partnership, growing old together etc. Just take one day at a time only HP knows what is in store for us. Keep letting the emotions out that is a good start for your healing. Here for you. Luv Leoxx
"... I have seen him go down this road before and come back for 7 years of sobriety. Why can't he do it again? Why can't he love me enough to even try? This is a man that has always told me 'Honey, I would give my life for you if I had to'."
Of course you miss the man you know he can be. Of course you do. I have taken a quote from your post, and that quote appears above. You must understand that his deep love for you has nothing to do with whether or not he will drink. He is out of control right now, and he cannot regain control for you or anyone else. Only for himself. I wish I could wipe away your hurt. I cannot, but I CAN send you a hug and keep you in my positive thoughts and prayers. I'll do that.
(((((((((((((hadit)))))))))))
Best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
