So after a total of 10 hours of conversations and compromises my A is back home.  He says that he will drink occasionally (the controlled drinker) and I know that is something I can not control.  However, I had an internal battle that I had to fight.  We talked Friday and then again Saturday.  Yesterday, he called and said he wanted to come home, that he had realized that he has been wrong in his choices for years.  At first I said no, if your drinking, the answer is no.  Then I gave in and said yes.  Ten minutes after I hung up I called him back and told him no again.  He said where is this coming from?  I told him that I was agreeing with him coming home because I felt guilty, that I felt he was manipulating me and I could not agree to something if I didn’t feel comfortable inside with the decision, he was angry of course, but it is his anger, said he was already packing his car.  I told him I would call him later. I knew in my heart that I have to be comfortable with the choices that I make.   

I did my errands, the dump again and the store.  When I got home I called him and told him that my feelings are very real, that I am scared to trust him and what he is telling me.  What is to say that two weeks from now he goes out on a Friday and doesn’t return until Sunday?  He said how you will know if we aren’t together.  I asked what makes this time so different.  He said that this time is different because he is on the verge of losing his wife and family.  I cried and tried to rationalize what we were talking about.  I said I had to think, quite a few times, we would hang up and then we would talk some more.  I prayed, I said the serenity prayer, we talked and then I would do a chore and then we would talk some more.  I told him that I am different, that I have a good support system now, that I know my feelings are important, just as important as anyone else’s feelings. That I can no longer live waiting for things to change, I told him I am not sure he is willing to be a man of his word yet.  Then I told him I would call him later. 

I knew I didn’t want to get back together for the wrong reasons, financial, familiarity, because change is scary.  I knew it had to come from inside.  I prayed some more, I did random readings from my meditation books.  Then I called my mom. I said, Mom, and then the tears came, I told her how confused I am.  She said that I needed to search inside, to ask myself if he deserves one last chance, that she couldn’t tell me what to do that I would have to make that decision, but that I needed to make the decision because I wanted to not because of my friends think.  She said she sees the deep love we have for each other and that her and my father had similar problems.  (I was not yet born)  That if he means what he says then to tell him straight up, this is it.  (She is 82 and just my very best friend) 

So I called him back, I am smart enough to know there is always a honeymoon period when people get back together.  I told him that we will try one more time.  That if January 1st comes and things are not on the mend, then I will be done and he will have to move out. 

Keep us in your prayers.

Hugs Mary