The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday was a good day. A good Sunday for once! I had vowed after spending last Sunday crouched in my car watching to see whether or not my A was where he said he was that this week would be better. And I kept my word to myself! Did some shopping, made dinner for friends, watched desperate housewives...overall a good day. Here's where I need some advice.
My parents, although lovely people have been somewhat distant and difficult through my separation. As I have stated in previous posts, they cannot go through a conversation with me without asking "what is going on" between me and my A and generally think I am being harsh in the separation. I have been told point blank by me stepmother that my "marriage will not work out with us living separately" and in general I do not feel supported by them. A two hour dinner is difficult to get through. This weekend for her birthday, my stepmother wants all of us (myself and my two stepsisters) to go up to their weekend home in PA (a 3 hour ride for me) for the weekend. I really do not want to go. If a twoo hour dinner is hard, can you imagine an entire weekend? When she invited me she mentioned my A and said I could invite him. Now, why, if I am separated would I do this. We are slowly working on things but a weekend with the family? C'mon. It is as if I am not an individual anymore. It saddens me. I cannot explain to you how difficult it is to tell this woman "No". She simply will not except it. I have been racking my brain all week for a feasible excuse and I do not want to do that. Any and all comments are welcome.
I am an adult, I don't have to make excuses to anyone. My kids are 29 and 30 and they do not have to make excused to me either.
My business is that, mine. We teach others how we want to be treated. For me, I would simpley say, "My marriage is my business and I choose not to talk about it." period. "Thank you for the invite, but I will be unwilling to attend." period.
if she continues state your position again, exactly the same. NO arguement, no excuses.
Do this for you. It sounds like a very tender time for you and your A. Please take care of you. That may mean being an adult and teaching others how you choose to be treated.
As far as her thoughts, If I were you I would get her the book, "Getting Them Sober."
Maybe some pamphlets from Alanon or AA too. Just lay them down at her place or send them to her.
I hope, for you, you will grow from this experience and take care of YOU.
Hi I agree with the person said before me. But I would like to suggest that you take some time and take care of your self. Take a bath, read a book, call a friend, spend time on your self.
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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
I understand how difficult it is to deal with strong willed people. The conclusion I have come to is that they are used to being dominant, and in my experience, 9 times out of 10, when they come up against someone just as strong they back down.
It sounds like you need to set some boundaries with her. When people like her hear "I don't care to discuss it and I won't". They may get a little pissy, but stick to your guns and hold that boundary. If you don't want your husband to go to her birthday, you could say that you don't feel that being thrown together at this time would help your marriage at all. If she argues..You could use the previous sentence about not discussing it.
She seems to be manipulative, telling you that seperation doesn't help and inviting him for the weekend, trying to force you together. You have to own your part in this too, realizing that you have allowed her to butt in, played the game and not stood up to her. As far as you not wanting to go..I would simply say "no thank you, I've changed my mind, but you all have a great time". Of course the question of why will come up, but you don't have to answer that. "I'd rather not discuss it" works.
People that are allowed to will push there way to the limit.
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hi Kim...question here.. do you WANT to go? If you do, explain to stepmom that you will be happy to join in the fun, but that since you are separated, your husband will not be attending. Simple as that. If you do NOT want to go, tell stepmama that this is not a good time for you, and while you will be missing and thinking about the family week-end, you would prefer to stay at home this time.
The trick here is to be clear and concise, and not to allow yourself to have an inkling of that "wimpy" feeling. I believe that once she realizes for good and all that you are your own person, she will accept what you say and go on.
Very best of luck, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I was seperated for 3 years. I know other program people who spent much longer seperated, and are now happy together. Some had their partners sober up, some (like Me) did not.
Remember, the seperation is not just for him, it is for you too.
I never learned more than when I was forced to live for ME only.
If you think you are doing the right thing, then do it. You don't have to justify yourself to anybody. Only you know what is good for you, and the beauty of life is each day you get to make a new decision.
Keep up the good work! You are worth every hug you get!
