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Okay, I almost don't want to ask this question because I'm afraid I already know the answer and I don't like it :)
What do y'all recommend regarding dating during recovery in Alanon? I'm in my early 30s. Two months ago I ended a serious, long-term relationship with my addict, alcoholic boyfriend. We'd broken up at least once before that and were in a stage of one-last-try that didn't work due primarily to the substance addiction. So, I'm working my steps, going to meetings, reading, counseling, etc. and I'm feeling good about it. Struggling, but making tons of progress that I want and need to continue. I have been through this twice with addict BFs who couldn't and wouldn't meet my needs, and I don't want to repeat my mistakes. I'm working very hard to keep my health and recovery as my top priority.
I don't want to jump into anything new with someone, but I don't know how long to wait and what to wait for. I don't want to hide out because of fear either. I also think that dating could be a good chance to practice some of my new healthier communication/relationship tools. I feel like I have better screening tools now for potential suitors, but I also feel like maybe I haven't learned enough yet to avoid the same type of guy.
My questions are - What are the official recommendations about dating during this process? And, what are your personal recommendations/experiences?
Maybe you answered your own question: "I also feel like maybe I haven't learned enough yet to avoid the same type guy again". It's your recovery and only you know what is best for you. The month or two may seem like a year, but with more time and the more you work your program, apply the principles of the program in your life, the better choices you will be able to make. Time well spent. Red flags will be much easier to spot.
If I knew then what I know now, I might have seen a red flag twenty years ago when I called my now wife to ask her out for our first date. I asked something like, "What have you been doing today". Her reply was, "Oh, I've been laying out in the sun drinking beer all afternoon"...........Then I asked her if she wanted to go our for dinner.........The red flag was waving, but at the time I was unable to see the forrest from the trees.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Wednesday 3rd of August 2011 12:25:42 AM
Early on in recovery I was told 2 years...work the program and wait 2 years and I didn't and repeated my mistakes so then started to wait 2 years, work the program and I didn't again and repeated my mistakes so then.....etc. Finally after working the program for 2 years and not getting into any "dating" relationships I'm still working my program have been married for almost 18 years and still working my program. I didn't intend it this way it just so happens when program becomes primary everything else comes out right/better. 2 years for me. ((((hugs)))) lol
Hugs, both of the guys have given some great shares. Sometimes why can't a date just be a date? You don't have to high five down the wedding aisle to go out and have a nice time. Just like RLC said only you know what's right for you. Usually the status quo is longer than 2 months everyone needs time to heal and 2 months really isn't that long. You don't have to hide either. Now that's my two cents .. lol .. opinion as it may be and it is.
I think it depends on the kind of relationship, what kind of baggage on the ol' baggage train we're talking about and so on. Only you can answer that. I know for me, I would not even be thinking about a long term dating deal. Going out having a nice time, having a companion would be one thing. Seriously dating to be in a relationship whole other ball of wax! I have stated earlier, give me 100 men and 2 have major issues I will find the 2 with the issues at this point.
Thanks for the share :) P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I am newly divorced and was seperated for a year before that also. I know within I am not ready to start dating, but I want to. My sponsor tells me to wait atleast 6 months from when I finish my steps. I still find myself pulled towards the wrong sort of men and until I feel capable of picking a healthier sort I am putting the energy into myself. When you get a red flag or feel hesitant about something I believe it is for a reason. You answered your own question in your share in the first sentence in my eyes. Trust your judgement and know that it takes time to heal and it takes energy to do the work. Distraction comes naturally to me and I work hard at keeping myself focused on myself with HP guiding every step. I get lonesome sure, but as soon as I open an Al-anon book or get on MIP or go to a meeting I know I am doing the right things for the right reasons. I am reading "Perfect Daughers" for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Robert J. Ackerman, PhD and I am still amazed how my childhood shaped me and how I need to learn tools that I missed out on, because my parents lacked the tools themselves. As I keep reading recomended books from other Al-anoners and go to more meetings I keep learning so much and growing beyond what I ever imagined. Keep up the good work and self-awareness.
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Hi Doozy. I remember watching a movie where this woman was being chastized by her family because she'd been divorced for 8 months and hadn't looked for anyone new yet and I was thinking 8 months isn't really that long........ I read this book that said 5 years of time between marriages, because the ghosts of each marriage has to be exorcised. not sure I go with 5 years but.... give yourself time to be happy alone, figure out who you are, who best would fit WITH who you are, maybe you'll be on the right track. For me, after the hell I've been through the last 3 years, I am in heaven being alone, being able to do what I want when I want. It's such a matter of perspective, isn't it?
Tonight I stuffed bills into envelopes, licked the envelope (really yucky envelope, blech!) and stamped them. It's almost 11 pm and my AH would have NEVER tolerated this - but it fits ME and the way I do things.
Will I ever want to find someone? who knows. Will I ever find someone who understands that I do things differently? ha, probably not, but maybe - but - if he don't/can't understand ME, and more importantly, let me be me, do I want him?
I gave up so much of ME to be with my AH - I had my life down well, lived the way I wanted then got him and wasn't able to be ME anymore - so my perspective is that I can wait to date, I don't WANT to date right now because dating means someone else is going to try to OWN me and I don't need an owner. Its pretty obvious to me that I'm far away from wanting another man in my life. I think the answer depends on you - what do you want? I think you are wise to understand how easy it would be to fall into the same type of destructive relationship if you don't get far enough into your own recovery to hedge against it.
Last thought is, no date is "just a date for dating sake" they always tend to become more don't they?
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
My experience was that I never waited between boyfriends. I got divorced and was dating someone new before the divorce was even final - the exact same type of guy I always dated. As it turned out, I got even more hurt by the rebound relationship than I did by the marriage, if that's possible. I took a break for a year after the rebounded relationship ended. A year later, I was in a much different place and it was easier to make decisions based upon what I wanted or didn't, as opposed to dating people that didn't treat me well because I was lonely or needed an ego boost.
As far as "just a date ..." - that was never possible for me because I became addicted to every person I ever dated. It was a life or death situation for me almost immediately, where I was obsessed with the other person and spending all my time with them. Because they were all addicts, I was spending all my time trying to fix them. This is part of how I was sick before recovery. I didn't have the ability to just date and then go home.
Just my .02 ...
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Wednesday 3rd of August 2011 09:54:46 AM
Dear Doozy, I found that "dating" after any break-up is a slippery slope. I feel that every break-up is a wonderful (potential) opportunity for learning valuable lessons and understanding ourselves better. Some of the most valuable lessions that I have learned came from the most pain!
Having said this, I feel that it takes a willingness to do the work of exploration.
We need intimacy with others. All humans do. I think soon after dating it is good to find companionship from other people rather than those where there is a mating or hook-up expectation. By intimacy--I am not talking just about sex. Learning how to be truly close to another person is a very big subject.
I think how long one should wait befor getting into a classic committed relationship depends on how much background work on yourself needs to be done. I think at least a year and maybe many more--depending on the situation.
As one woman to another---I'll share something that it took me a while (and some pain to learn). It appears that many women tend to attach intimacy with sex. While they can, ideally, occur together---intimacy needs to come before sex in the equasion. Men seem to be able to compartmentalize the two more than women.
It is good, I think, that you are asking questions. Continuue your journey and your learning curve.
Just thought i would give you the benefit of some of my experience. Take what you need.
Just my opinion here but jumping into a new relationship just two months after ending along term one is risky , add alcohol or drugs and its just us doing our own brand of insanity-- again . If you can get to know yourself a little better before venturing into the dating scene , keep going to your meetings and figure out what it is that attracts you to the addicted personality , the healthier you get the less apealing your going to be to a sick partner .. healty attracts healthy..
I can only tell you my own experience in this area and it was WAY before I found the doors of Alanon. From the moment I was allowed to date I honestly couldn't have picked worse boys/men to date if i tried ( and subconsiously maybe I was trying) and when i say worse I don't mean it was because they were all A's ( but they were) but they all also after the inital "honeymoon period" of getting to know each other, started treating me like crap. And you know what? Thats exactly how I expected to be treated, it's how my family had treated me so I figured thats how my life was going to be. I had zero self esteem or self worth. Last boyfriend ( actually a finance ) broke up with me after he got another girl pregnant. I was looking at bridal magazines and he was sleepin around. He did me the biggest favor of my life I swore of men for a year, still no alanon or anyone to guide me but I think my HP guided me to make that decision. Towards the end of that year my HP saw fit to put my husband in my path. And I almost let him go because he actually treated me well, was kind and generous, he wasn't an A, not into drama etc you get the point. Well I just wasn't used to that. Not sure if I deserved it. But giving myself that year of no dating gave me the chance to find myself just a bit, see other relationships and what either made them succeed or not. Really gave me a totally different perpective on things. Luckily I didn't walk away from the miracle HP put in my path. I stayed with my husband. And after 30 yrs together, 28 of them married he is at the top of my gratitude list everyday. So if I am standing in your shoes and you have already started your journey in alanon..... take it slow....take the time to find YOU and what you want in your life and what you don't. I do know it gets lonely at times. But looking back I would take that little bit of lonliness of not having a partner than ending up with another person who isn't going to treat me as I should be treated. Blessings
I have not had really any time "alone" as an adult. Since I was 18, I have been in a relationship or dating someone. I think I may have only had a few months here and there without a man in my life. Up until 18, I didn't date at all. I agree with every person here, even though I didn't take the suggestion a year and a half ago and got together with my A, I almost wish I had taken a year to heal after I left my exhusband (who was abusive). Luckily for me, I am taking things day by day now, thanks to Alanon. Do what you will, but just remember to take care of you. If you haven't already, the book Getting Them Sober has some good pages about relationships and getting back into them and finding good men. HUGS!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I just can't thank you all enough for your replies and ESH on this question I had!!! Every single post was just what I needed and very helpful! THANK YOU!
I have been struggling with this question, but unsure how I REALLY feel and what I REALLY need. I have been feeling very serious doubts about whether I should date at all, and I think I've been getting well-intentioned but misguided advice from friends.
I feel I need to listen to my instincts and the wise folks I've met through Alanon who better know and understand what I'm working through. I think I will also spend some time this week with a little prayer and meditation on this question for myself.
I really liked the part about how the healthier I get, the less appealing I will be to a sick partner. I can see that healthy attracts healthy and I don't know that I can trust myself to avoid making the same mistakes again. I think I need more time to spend healing and focused on myself.
Thanks again! This has been a wonderful sounding board and very helpful reality check! Now I have to figure out what to say to this guy...
~ Doozy
p.s. Went to my face to face tonight and it was great as always! This is definitely where I need to be.
-- Edited by Doozy on Thursday 4th of August 2011 12:16:12 AM
My experience is, when I finally placed my dependence upon Higher Power rather than upon people.... when I finally said, "God is everything"... and I meant it.... when me and my recovery became my central focus...... a wonderful man came along.
I keep watching and waiting for all the familiar crazy-making... all the DRAMA that I have lived with in the past.... there just isn't any. Nothing. This is the easiest relationship I have ever been in. Of course, my brain sometimes wonders if this relationship will get boring, where's all the fun? lol, just kidding
Praise to Higher power for bringing the gift of a beautiful, peaceful soul into my life!
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Just want to thank everyone here for their share. Very grateful to have found this discussion.
I'm a few months into Al-anon, which I sought out after a very ugly and scandalous divorce from an all emcompassing addict after 6months of separation. I've attended meetings weekly and have found so much support in the room. I'm excited to start working the steps and hope to soon find a sponsor.
I have been working hard to keep the focus on myself and enjoy being single for the first time in my adult life. BUT I've been seeking physical and emotional support from men. I met someone who seems really special recently. I enjoy spending time with him but can already see the focus shifting away from myself and the work I know I have to do to become healthy.
I've shared a little of my concern with him already and he says he's fine to take whatever I can give him. There is a big part of me that feels like I should be able to enjoy myself with him and still focus on my independent self-care. Have my cake and eat it too.
I'm living in fear of both scenarios here; what if I miss out on someone great and the scarier option of missing out on my own personal development.
Welcome to MIP n0rthstar - glad you found us and glad you joined in.
Keep coming back! You're not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have been divorced 6 years, and in Al-Anon close to 7. I have been dating on and off, taking a few months break here and there to focus on other things. I would go through periods of meeting a lot of people (via online dating sites), and this was really just good 'practice' and a way for me to see what was out there, what I felt I meshed well with, or not. Sometimes I would date someone for 2-3 months and then true colors would appear - usually in the form of narcissim, or addiction of some sort or other. I was thankful that as time went on, I would pick up on flags within 1-2 dates instead of weeks!
My longest relationship since my divorce was 7 months - and I just ended the relationship due to his pot smoking and other addictive tendencies. (at least in my perspective I was uncomfortable with his variety of habits and difference in lifestyle values). At first, I really thought he could be The One that I would spend my 'Part Two' with. His tendencies and the 'flags' were so subtle, and for some reason, my 'radar' was clouded by something. I was away from Al-Anon practice during this time... and this is no surprise that I slowly must have reverted back to old habits of thought, people pleasing, disregard of my own 'self' etc.
It has only been about a month since the relationship ended. I have no interest in really meeting anyone 'new', however, by chance I happened to reconnect with a guy I dated a few years back for a month or two, and we really liked each other, but the timing was not great for either of us. We have enjoyed two get togethers casually, and he has asked me out for a proper date for this weekend. The only reason I am spending time with him is because he is comfortable and easy to me, we are truly great friends first, and he has acknowledged my 'fresh' breakup and even though we really like each other and have a strong attraction, I feel 'safe' and there is no pressure. I am also seeing a huge difference between him and my ex BF, as if validating to myself that I made the right choice.
I think dating is a valuable way to take my 'recovery show' on the road, as long as I am able to stay in the present moment and just enjoy things in the NOW, and not get carried away with expectations or 'what ifs'. If I enjoy someone's company, then I see them again. And again, and again... until something becomes NOT fun. Eventually the right person will come along that turns into a long term relationship with ease. Outcomes can not be forced.
At the end of the day, I believe there are no 'right and wrong' rules to this. I listen to my gut and if the idea of going on a date with someone feels 'good' to me, then I say yes. If I don't feel 'good' , I say no. I am always in charge - I have freedom of choice in my own life path. I may make a mistake, but those mistakes are good to learn something about myself and others, and help further define my direction in life to the best possible outcomes.
Be easy on yourself, have fun, enjoy life!
Hugs,
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
LOL .. as someone who did not date at all during the divorce and had to leave the state so I could feel comfortable dating again .. I am enjoying myself a great deal. Now .. LOL .. I haven't gone out on many dates, it has taught me how to shuffle through, keep good boundaries and it has given me a safe place to explore myself. What do I really want. I do spend a LOT more time with friends and I have a lot more fun.
Something I did discover is I'm still attracting the men who are emotionally unavailable to me .. I do not know what that is about it's highly frustrating which means I have more work to do.
I always say it was not an accident that I picked my X.
Keep coming back, hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I'm working my steps but still got a long ways to go by taking baby steps,been back in my program day for day ever since December.ive learned a lot still lots to learn which for that I'm so grateful for,I've also ended or whatever one would call it ,I have friendships which I call my man friend ,I still text a little to my xa/bf ,not much to say anymore,this new guy I just recently met (man friend) seems to have a healthy attitude on life to non alcoholic and no drugs,but I was straight up with him about no relationship only friendship ,so we both settled for just simple companionship,meet for coffee or breakfast,I'm not gonna do nothing to disturb or mess with my recovery,I've done worked to hard at my recovery and I know I'm feeling better,and it must be looking good on me cause the stranger in a serious text says he thinks I'm an angel,and I'm amazing and done wonders for him just by taking to him,lol,that amazed me had to think on that.wow,anyways I just took it as a compliment and that my recovery is looking great on me....so my thoughts here are be honest and true with whoever your with ,being straight up on what you really want out of a relationship,I believe there's several options just testing the waters and keeping our radars going,but bottom line is to really be true and honest with yourself and him.....I find that works best for me up front..........hugs.....keep coming back...LU
WOW, I was only living on my own when I reconnected to a guy I dated 25 yrs ago. I really intended to wait and get used to y single situation. In fact, I was sure I didnt want to be with a guy for a long time maybe never again. But, when H and I met there was such a good feeling and such a connection, that I changed my mind. it has been 5 months and H has had to endure the emotional rollercoaster of my adjustment and ongoing drama with X. I never foisted it on him and I sat down with H and explained my boundaries and myintention to be and remain independant. I clued him in on my Alanon teachings and we keep a open communication at all times. etc If I were to do it over Id go more slowly but somehow my Higher Power has plans for me for it to go this way.
lol