The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's Saturday nite, been a pretty good week everything considered. I rec'd a call from my sister tonite who was "concerned" about me. What her phone call ended up being was her telling me that I need to see a lawyer, protect my own interests, etc. since my husband moved out two weeks ago. She talked to my father today, and they both feel that I'm being TOO NICE. Well, nice to know they're concerned, but...
By the end of the conversation I ended up telling her the exact amount of my mortgage payment, the financial agreement my husband and I have made, etc. Stuff that I normally would never dreamed of telling her. I'm doing pretty well on the boundaries with my A, but for some reason I let her waltz right in over me.
She just kept repeating that she's concerned about me, what if he doesn't hold up his end of the financial agreement we've made? I told her that I'm living one day at a time now, and if that happens I'll deal with it "IF and WHEN". When I said that she said that I'm playing the victim role, and not taking a stance on things. MAN OH MAN!!!! Did she ever hit a nerve! I told her I'm NOBODY'S victim and I'm not worried about what he's doing or not doing, or may or may not do in the future, but for a change I'm thinking about me! That I'm working very hard on getting out of the "victim" role, but all these changes aren't going to come about over night. That I'm really tired of having ANY expectations from him, that actually I'm just setting myself up for failure if I follow that route. Boy she backed off in a hurry... I guess she never had me stand up to her like that before either. But by the end of the conversation I was upset that I let her get to me like that. It's bad enough dealing with the A in my life, much less well-meaning (but TOTALLY clueless) relatives.
I don't know, she kept saying that everyone in my family is there for me, but at the same time I was feeling that she (possibly everybody else) thinks I'm totally inept. Like I'm not going to be able to do this. But what I guess they don't realize is that I've been doing most of it alone (emotionally, raising kids, taking care of home, etc.) for a long time now! This really isn't that different except that there's peace in the house now!
God bless my family, but keep them away from me for a while!!!!! LOL
What I notice about myself is that this truly is a family disease. What I mean by that is: once I joined Al-Anon and started changing, it became more clear to me that most of my family, including the A, could benefit from Al-Anon as well. We're all drama and crisis prone, give each other advice, stick our noses in each other's business. I'm now learning not to do that, but those not in program are still working on it. I had a teachable moment tonight when one of my daughters had a loud phone argument with her date for the evening. My granddaughter felt anxious about her mom shouting on the phone, but she is the granddaughter who has been attending Alateen. I said, "Well, what are we learning in Al-Anon and Alateen? I'm learning that worrying about other people doesn't necessarily help them and that if I join in their crisis or drama it only seems to make things worse. Have you noticed that? Have you talked about this at all in Alateen?" She nodded and looked relieved, as if she realized that she couldn't do anything helpful about the situation and didn't have to try. I went and shut the door to the room where my daughter was arguing on the phone. And the rest of us went back to whatever we were doing before. My daughter resolved her argument and went out on her date. Things are changing, little by little.
I think we need to be a bit gentle with ourselves, Ratchie, as we learn new ways of being and relating. Think of this experience as a teaching moment. Next time a family member feels compelled to give advice, you can thank them gently for caring and tell them that you think you are handling things fine. Setting boundaries is a skill we can learn. Progress, not perfection.
Hi there , sounds to me like u did ok in a diff situation, the best way to keep family out of your business is to not tell them anything they don't need to know, therefor they can't give unsolicited advice. I am sure they mean well but it is up toyou how you and your husb figure this separation out, if it works great if not like you said u will deal with it.
I talk to program friends they understand me family dosen't most of the time. keep the focus on you and keep your boundaries firm with everyone , boundaries are for you and it's up to you to keep them in place. goodluck Louise
The key for me in dealing with my family and longtime friends and the establishment of healthier boundaries as I grow in the program is the Al-Anon slogan "Let it begin with me." These people in my life have no program and do not know any better, but I do now, and therefore it is I who am accountable for applying what I have learned through Al-Anon and setting a quiet example for others of how to live a healthier way.*
When we start changing, sometimes others in our lives (even the ones who are not alcoholics) may have trouble adjusting to the "new us;" when this happened in my life at first, I got angry that they were not being more supportive, that they were trying to hold me back by refusing to grow themselves... at my pace, of course. It took many reminders from my sponsor that I have taught these people how to treat me and how to interact with me, that without a program they do not have an understanding of why the changes I want are necessary or important, and that to establish boundaries where none have ever been will be hard work, my hard work to do, and will take time. With patience, acceptance of others where they are, rigorous consistency in applying the principles I have learned here, and faith that things can get better, my boundaries with everyone are definitely better today.
As you get healthier, you may notice that some of the people who used to be so important in your life will choose not to cooperate with the changes in your lifestyle and will steadfastly adhere to the old ways and continue to hope that you will go back to your "old self." Do not focus on this. Instead, keep focusing on the positive changes you are making in your life and keep your self-will from rearing its meddling head. I am confident you willl find that these relationships will work themselves out one way or another according to HP's timing and His will for both of you. It may not be exactly the way you want, but if you do not get in the way and remain open minded and objective/emotionally detached, I believe you will find that it is for the overall best, whatever the outcome.
I agree with Abbyal regarding the sharing of information. Better to share info with objective parties in recovery at f2f Al-Anon, and use this board and this site as a resource for that kind of sharing and seeking, where it is less likely that it will be somehow used against you by someone emotionally connected to your situation who does not know any better. If you can limit your sharing to appropriate people, you will be amazed at how many problems you avoid creating for yourself, and for others.
Take care and good luck!
emmie
*I say "quiet example" because at first I loudly sang the glorious praises of this new way I have found, tending more toward lecturing or preaching to others about what they should do or should not do, than applying these principles in my own life and letting others follow suit if they so choose. Learning more about Step 12, carrying the message to others and personally practicing these principles, in conjunction with Tradition 11, promoting Al-Anon through attraction rather than active promotion, helped me learn a balance.)
Personally, I have never had much of a problem with unsolicited advice. I have always felt that I am under no obligation to follow it, if I don't want to. Therefore, I'm not too oversensitive, and sometimes find something useful to me in the advice.
For many family members, offering advice is their way to show that they care. I can listen to them, say "Thanks for your input" and then do whatever I think is best. Just because someone gives you advice, does NOT mean that you have to follow it. It also doesn't mean that they don't trust you, or don't respect you, or anything else. It just means that this is their way of trying to help. To me, it is like when someone brings you a nice tuna casserole, when you are sick. You say, thanks very much, and then, because you hate tuna casserole, when they have left you throw it out, or hand it off to the neighbour teenage boy, who will eat anything.
So, if I were in your place (here comes some unsolicited advice!) I would listen to my sister until she started to repeat herself, say "thanks, I'll think about that", and then, think about what she said. If some of it seemed useful, I would do it, if it didn't, I wouldn't. That is, I'd eat the cookies that came along with the casserole!
Don't let her bully you with "Why didn't you do what I said?". That's where "I felt I had to do what seemed right to me" comes in handy. Just repeat until people get tired of hearing you say it.
By the way, I won't feel hurt if you don't take any of my advice!
Personally, I liked getting advice from the "outside", as it allowed me to gain further perspective as to what may be 'normal thinking', and what may not be... I utilized all kinds of people who I respected, both inside AND outside of the program...
If your sister's comments "hit a nerve" with you cuz they were controlling, that is one thing.... if that nerve was hit cuz "you are feeling the same way", then it is something worth examining....
For all situation, the act of looking in the mirror, and checking our own motives, for being upset about things - served me well.
With your sister, other family members, as well as your Al-Anon family (myself included), you are always encouraged to "take what you like, and leave the rest"
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
