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I'm exhausted. I'm physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.
As many of you know, for the past three years I have cared for my husband as he underwent surgery then on to palliative care for cancer. It's been a long and difficult road. For the past five months he has been in a little cottage hospital about a ten minute drive from home. When he was admitted we were told he had a matter of days or weeks to live. Each day we see another sign of deterioration. He can't move, hasn't eaten for four months, can barely speak, weighs less than 5 stone [that's 70lbs]. He recognises us and is still able to sip water through a straw. He receives unconditional love from his daughters and grandchildren.
But I don't think I can cope with this much longer. I have deep compassion for him and I will always make sure he receives the best possible care. I am able to look back on our forty two years together and thank him for the good times. I've dealt with my resentments [I think] and fears and my goodness there were many. People tell me how strong and brave I am. I am strong in many ways, I try to stay positive, keep a sense of humour, I rarely cry, and I do my best to be supportive to my daughters and grandchildren. So mentally and emotionally - yes - I have been strong. But my body is now telling me to slow down. For the past three days I have felt completely drained and exhausted, I'm sleeping badly and have headaches. It's time to take care of me.
It's a beautiful sunny autumnal day here in southern England but I'm too tired to go out and enjoy it. I was too tired to go to my f2f last night. And I'm too tired to visit my husband. I am allowing my Higher Power to take over at last. Seven years in Alanon and I still think I can do it myself. I got down on my knees and admitted I couldn't do it any more on my own. I couldn't concentrate. My thoughts were flying in all directions. The words 'Keep it Simple' came into my head. That was my starting point. I have a sense of immense relief. I've handed it over. I handed my husband over to his HP a long time ago. I'm not going to feel guilty if I don't visit today or tomorrow. I MUST take care of myself. My health is frail and if I don't take care then I will become ill, as I have done in the past when visiting and nursing him.
I have an appointment to see my doctor next Tuesday. I'll have a flu jab then ask her to check me over to make sure that this tiredness is due to stress and nothing more sinister. And I will take it one day at a time. One hour at a time if need be. It's taken a long time but I think at last I am learning to do the right thing for me. My husband John had choices and he chose to continue drinking thereby making it impossible for the secondary cancers to be treated. I too have choices and although I will not desert him, I am not going to take any risks with my health. I can see the stress taking its toll on my daughters, but I must remember that they too have choices and their own Higher Powers.
Thank you for reading this and thank you for being there for me. You are good friends.
You continue to inspire me. I know you are brave, but remember you are human too :). Sounds like you need HALT only backwards. Use the T "tired" and just lay down and quiet your thoughts so that you can sleep all day if need be. You will be no good to anyone if you don't take good care of you. I know when I want to be outside, especially in the summer, but am completely exhausted, I go to the beach where the sounds of nature lull me into a peaceful slumber. Maybe you can rest outside in your yard for a while.
Been praying for you and your hubby,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
No wonder you are exhausted! You are going through an extremely stressful time - please give yourself permission to feel just lousy. This is a time to reach out to those around you for help - I bet there are people around who would be happy to have some chore they could undertake for you. People say "Let me know if I can help" - they really do mean it. Have your firends run errands for you, make meals, do some shopping, and so on, to free you for the really important tasks you have at this time - one of which is resting!
I have been where you are caring for my mom she was in palitive care with kindey cancer cancer. She was in the hospital when i found out. I never expected it to be cancer i thought was something wrong with her leg or hip. It was decided she wanted to die at home and since i am the only one in my family without health problems i was going to do it. I wasnt really asked i know i wanted her home, I just never thought beyond that. I never expected it to be that hard and i never thought how hard it would be watching her die let alone take care of her while she was. She was diagnosed in February and was given three to nine months to live. She lived two and died in april. I have some serious issues also with her and with my family, Me and my dad do not get along and niether do me and my sister. My mother didnt die peacefully and that is hard for me to go back and deal with it. This month marks the 6th month anniversary of her death on the 17th. I wasnt always nice to her shelia she called me at 4 am to go down to change a bag cause she was nervous and she didnt trust me completley caring for her so made me check alot. I had two kids also single mom it was very rough. I dont regret doing it and i can say sometimes. That hp was with me even though she lived 2 months we had the time to say goodbye and i didnt have to spend a very long long time caring for her and my children at the same time, i cant say im grateful,i am not sure what it would be there, but i was exhausted there and very angry that this was happening . I cant believe i did it thinking back. (((kind of))) My mom didnt take care of herself either. She never went to a doc her teeth were rotten she drank after the doc told her to stop when she had heart trouble when my grandmother died. I can i guess learn from this and realize that no one is invinsible and to take care of my health and my things which i have also been neglecting for two years now. Someone told me here that hp did give her the time to care ofr herself she just didnt do it. I can get so angry that she didnt care about herself enough to fix her health. The doctor told me that kindey cancer is curalbe and they could of caught it. It was already in the very late stages when she was diagnosed and spread to her bones. Maybe hp was there too with her cause my family doesnt handle these things well and it was a huge mess. I spent alot of my 20's angry about my childhood my parents were both violent alcoholics. I dont want to spend my 30's angry with my mom. I didnt walk in her shoes i dont know how she felt, it wouldnt do any good anyway and it would only hurt me and keep me stuck. My mom quit drinking when my children were born i told her she wouldnt know them. And then i resented her for being an amazing grandmother because she had it in her. i spent the last 6 years of her life yelling at her. I cant change what ive done there are regrets and there are some good. My prayers are with you Sheila as you go through this hang in there. Your not alone. IT wont last forever People told me was a real brave thing and that i granted her dying wish. Its easy to say, i am not sure if i had to do it again knowing what i know now that i would of. I took care of my grandmother for 10 years before she died. Lots of ((((9hugs))))))))) three years is a long time, sorry this is so long i just can relate and i feel for you. I knew you last time i was here i didnt know you were going through that (((((((((she)))))
kerry
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
im so sorry for what you are going through right now. i work in palliative care and daily we have to remind the family how important it is to take care of themselves through this very hard time. your hubby is in good hands thats what we are there for. so take some time and relax, get some sleep. im sure your husband wants that for you too. enjoy your days and enjoy your time with your hubby. let your feelings come out. you may feel emotionally exhausted if you are holding things in. let it all out. your hp is with you and your hubby. tc (((hugs)))
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
Doing the MIP quickstep - type answer - freeze - go to chatroom - kick!
So glad you felt able to share this, she. We all worried about YOU - you strong, spiritually, emotionally - but, we all succumb to the physical when stressed, and you cant afford to let your physical health suffer.
Am 5 minutes away (on good, fast walking day), can come over, anytime, day or night. She, when my hubby died, my children, though grown up, suddenly started treating me like I was made of glass. They were so scared they might lose me too. Glad your daughters giving you so much support - you must be proud of them. Get to doc on tues, maybe you need something to help sleep, or, maybe depression - all this stress, too much to handle. Lean on us, dear friend, wish I could take some of the pain away....
My prayers are with you and your hubby. My ex-husband died of cancer so know how long and painful a process it can be. Please take care of yourself as your daughters and friends want you around for a long time to come and will need your smiling face after he's gone.
We're all here for you. Lucky Flora(maggie) can really come to help but the rest of us are with you in spirit anyway. Just know , we care. And we want you to take care of you too.
Last week when I was feeling blue and exhausted my daily reading in "language of letting go" was wonderful, it talked about that sometimes we must cocoon, and that's okay....to be gentle with yourself, and accept when enough is enough...rest some, going to the doctor is a good idea...but take care of you, because if you don't who will? I am learning this all over again after 10 years.....I had accomplished this once but slipped right into old behaviors...do something nice for you, even if it is just to take a nap or watch a movie you like. Hang in there, you have an awful lot on your plate it must be difficult. You and yours are in my heart and prayers.
People told me was a real brave thing and that i granted her dying wish. Its easy to say, i am not sure if i had to do it again knowing what i know now that i would of. I took care of my grandmother for 10 years before she died. Lots of ((((9hugs))))))))) three years is a long time, sorry this is so long i just can relate and i feel for you. I knew you last time i was here i didnt know you were going through that (((((((((she)))))