The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
this past two days, i had a wonderful visit from my OLD babysitter, i mean my first 11 years of life i was very close to him....we stayed in touch, kinda *hit and miss*....but always kinda in each others thoughts....
he was driving back to calif. (his home now) from florida, (visiting his brother) and he wanted to see me....he showed up at my door tues. afternoon, we went to dinner and we talked..and we talked....about the *old days* when my "A" mother was still in tact....the perp hadn't totally done her in yet...he hadn't incested me yet....i had had SOME glimpses of happiness and fun....we had a good visit...catching up on the old gossip and who is living where now, and what they are doing....
he had to leave thurs. morning...it was fun having him there, someone to share with/ talk with/ he too, rememberd the perp as someone to *stay away from* he was not surprised at the evil that was done to me.....sad/disgusted/angry but not surprised...
he was proud of my recovery...how much i have changed...how diferent i am from the others, in a good way and he was *stunned* to see how young looking i was at 59....
anway, when he left i felt this awful sense of loss/ separation!!!!! i came home from work last night...saw evidence of his having been there, tidyed up the place and i noticed GRIEF!!!!!! i was sad!!! i thought what is this??? i am not in love with him, never was, even tho i care for him it is as a friend!!! really/ there was no desire in me for anything besides friendship.......and so i wondered!!! "what in the hell do i feel this way for??"
than it hit me!!! it wasn't tom it was what he *represented*!! the perhaps *final months/weeks/days* of my being *semi intact*!!! i wasn't yet so traumatized by my abuser, i was still *sorta ok*.....and the days of old, when my mother was still sober enough to curl my thick , course, unruly blonde hair!!! when she still knitted our *woolies* to sleep warm in in winter...her fondness for tom and his siblings, and their mischief....he brought up all these old memories...of days gone by...innocense lost!!! dreams/hopes *interrupted for decades* for me!!! days when i could still laugh before the real evil kicked in.......he even said to me....."i dont' know why you guys ever left dover"......and i said "well it was the end of me for a long long time because his evil REALLY got out of control then"......it was like tom was a *remembrence* of my life before it got *completely* trashed!!!!
i am doing the first 3 steps.....i am not supressing the grief over my losses.....Tom provoked memories that i must grieve over...of a life so nearly destroyed.....he even said, " 'he' killed your mother" it was like i have to still grieve over what he took away from me.........
today i prayed to my HP to help me/ my inner child/ and my HP to fill in those big gaping holes.......i am grieving/ i will need to rest more and nurture me more over the weekend.....maybe cry, i don't know, but i WILL allow i WILL feel i WILL validate my feelings, rather than *run away from them* no more running away!!!!! it hurts but i am gonna walk through it........funny you know what???? i STILL want to fill my heart up with love for me/ my loved ones rather than hate for the beast!!!!!! as i fill up my heart with love-- there is no room for hate!!!! that is the way i want it!!! that is my victory over this!!!!!! thank you DONE
Something very helpful to me was pointed out at one of my f2f meetings a long time ago. It was a lesson on dealing with our feelings. When we feel a negative emotion, we're told to Face It. Just like you said...don't run from it or pretend you don't feel it. Your feelings are valid, both good and bad. Once we Face it and acknowledge what we are feeling, next it's recommended that we Trace It. Try to trace back to the last time you felt this way.....what was going on that caused the feeling? Then go back further to the time before that that you felt it. Try to trace back enough to see exactly what triggers this negative feeling in you. Once you've Traced it, next step is to Erase it. You've faced it, you've traced it and realized what causes it each time, so now that it's been dealt with you can erase it. This really helped me, hope it helps you.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
What a journey you've been on!! You are doing so great :) Recognizing your grief for what it is, is huge. I always have trouble filtering and deciphering my feelings. You have every right to grieve for those years before your trauma ...and thank HP you had them at the same time :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You seem very insightful into your own thoughts. I do the same thing as you. Once a past person enters my life, I spend a few days reminicing about days gone bye too. Kinda longing to have made other decisions i guess. Even longing that other people would have made better decisions when I was involved.
I ask my HP for guidance too, and actually allow myself to feel those things, and end up doing a semi inventory of things that I am grateful for TODAY. I can't change yesterday, but sometimes it is fun to fantacize about what could have been, and enjoy the warm feelings of what was.
Ahh, Rosie. I always read your posts. It's not my favorite thing when all that old stuff gets re-raked up again. So painful. It sounds to me as if you are handling it well.
