The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A dear AA friend stopped by the other day, I was not expecting this at all and it was a nice supprise for me. I needed him more than I thought. We had a nice talk and he seemed to know what place I was in better than I did. I explained to him that I have come to this brick wall that I seem to keep hitting and how I don't know what to do about it. I told him that I rarely share on here or in f2f any more because I just don't know what to say... Well he explained to me that I am not helpping myself or others by clamming up especially when I was such an open beek before. I know this and he helpped me realize some of the things I was feeling and how to deal with it and on of the suggestions was to share again!!! Get off my pitty pot and open up again...
Well here goes... I am having the feeling of such lonliness even when I am surrounded by people that care about me and much of this I am responsible for. I have once again isolated myself I guess because I let my A get to me more than I thought. I guess I have been sucked into the same old ways the disease has affected me. I let things like that lack of communication and intamacy let me feel inadiquit, insignificant and unappreciated. These are huge on my self esteme and I am actually a little OP'd that I didn't realize what was going on other than not really feeling like I have much to share. I do listen to the group and read here on the boards and try to offer my support and alot of the time when I feel like I could share more after I think more about the ESH shared both here on this board and in the rooms but by that time I generally don't share...
What I have been doing I have become the volunteer queen!!! with both of my childrens schools and with the Al-anon group I go to the monthly AIS meetings and I have taken on the position as the newsletter coordinator. I am also doing 12 step calls again. So for my feeling like I just can't seem to move forward any more I have compinsated in the way of getting so bussy that I don't really have time to think about it. I am proud to help alanon and thoes looking for help but I have come to realize that me taking on all of this is not going to help me the way I thought it was. The gratification I recieve knowing that I may have helpped someone sure does not help me get out of this RUTT I like to call it. So here I am I am trying to open up again...
I can see why this happend now, I thought I was in a good place not really feeling resentment or really anything when I considered my A and for the time being I was happy to just not be so darn emotional about everything. I remeber saying that I was just fine hanging out there for a while.... well I guess I took the summer off so to speak and joined in on the 12 step tango instead of moving forward. Istead of letting myself really feel my feeling I have them all pent up just waiting to explode...my next step is to really talk to my hubby because I haven't for a long time and be honest with him open the lines of communication again and get feeling positive again. I am no where near where I was when I came in to alanon but I still have a long journey to take to be where I want to be.
I know being quiet about everthing isn't helpping me or others so I think I know what I have to do and one of thoes things is starting with this post.
Isn't it crazy that no matter how much program or serenity we have, we can still slip into the pity pool (that is what i call it cause i swim around in there for days sometimes)
You are such a smart cookie for reaching out, and admitting that you are in this funk. I know that I have a hard time doing it too, but am always so releived to know that there are others who go through the same mental torture!
I sent you an email. Read it, and lets go for coffee!
Welcome back and hi. I am very guilty of exactly what you just described. Volunteering for things that help others and at the same time neglecting what you should be dealing with within. I am really selective about what I take on and who I mix with. I have to say that I feel it is a privilege to do things that benefit others and if I wasn't working with young children community work would be my vocation. I have isolated myself in social situations as far as being a couple goes that went out the window a long time ago. I stopped going to functions and told my husband to go on without me and I stayed home. This was my protective behaviour because if I didnt see him getting drunk I could shut it out and let him make a fool of himself without me there. I admire what you are doing for others maybe we just both have to remember to take time out to smell the roses and get a balance in our lives again.
You know, If it wasn't for us co-dependents--who would do all those volunteer jobs? I have been guilty of hiding behind my busyness--but that resentment builds. It sounds like you have developed some great new insight.
take care- Jeanne
__________________
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Hey friend, funny how we think if we can get busy enough we won't feel so much pain....but it always comes back to bite us. Good for you for recognizing it. Take care of you
